Ok, done. I read the angry outburst chapter, among other parts of the book. The main point I see is how angry outbursts kill feelings of love. They kill trust and feelings of emotional safety. So if one is left on edge and flinching over what may come next, how it's it one can access feelings of love, affection, togetherness, security, agreement, and a whole slough of other things we hope to have in our marriages?

This is the crux of the problem for me. This is why I get leaving thoughts. But given that I haven't left, obviously I have some hope or desire for the relationship. This is an understatement in fact. I very much want this relationship... Forever.

My wife has worked on her outburst issues in past and we have seen Progress over the years. The complication as I see it is that the remnant continues to have an impact. An impact that is bigger than either of us on our own have recognized.

In reading through the book, I discovered a parallel and intertwined problem.... Selfish demands. A lot of the angry outbursts are not about me. They are about other people or circumstances. Yet she demands I listen to her toxic tirades including yelling, threats, profanity, etc. And if I say I can't handle it, it then often turns on me for being insensitive or unsupportive. But truly, as a once-rageaholic myself, expecting me to participate in frequent outbursts at third parties is like expecting the sober alcoholic to drink with you. I simply can't. And it is a selfish demand for her to expect me to. I am not capable of being the sounding board in these matters. Frankly it is frightening to be around. And I am a big guy who can handle himself.

It simply puts such a torpedo in our connectedness that all I can hunk of is to flee so I don't have to hear it.

So, I could go on but I won't. Instead, I am going to...

1. Keep reading the book.
2. Sit and talk to her about these two definitions.
3. Be frank about how they impact me and what I believe the potential danger is to our marriage.
4. Help her find help on a level that will take her further with managing this dynamics. We have a family counsellor, but I don't think we have been as clear on the problem and the potential outcomes of not dealing with them more thoroughly.

Putting names to the dynamics is very helpful to me. They help isolate and define the problems so they can be seen and targeted. We begin to see the faces of the enemies to our relationship.

Somewhere on the list will be both of us learning more about this program. But the steps so far have been very helpful to me.

Thanks again to all who offered suggestions. I'll continue to post as we go.

Chazz, did you listen to all the radio clips? I would change the list up immensely and keep it simple because you can't do anything in the program unless and until she ends her angry outbursts - towards you or towards anyone:

1. let her know her angry outbursts are killing your feelings for her and this will lead to divorce if it doesn't stop immediately

2. insist she get into a qualified anger management immediately and END her angry outbursts. ALL OF THEM. Maybe your "counselor" is a qualified AM expert but that is usually not the case. Most counselors are not trained in AM. Find one who uses RELAXATION TECHNIQUES as outlined by Dr Harley in those radio clips.

3. STOP tolerating her angry outbursts. When this happens, leave the room

Marriage Builders is an action program. You mentioned above she has "made progress" but that is not the goal. The goal is complete elimination of her angry outbursts. As you can see, "progress" [an excuse to not reach the goal] has not helped in the least.

And whether the angry outbursts are directed *AT* you or not is beside the point. An angry outburst, no matter WHAT the target, is a lovebuster and should be eliminated.


But, hope is not a plan. I think you will have something to HOPE FOR if you can persuade her to get into anger management and eliminate her angry outbursts immediately. THAT, along with her agreement to follow this plan will change your marriage. Otherwise, your hope is misplaced. My hope is that you can get her on board!

Ok... Pleased to say conversation went well. W is listened and is open to new ideas to dealing with this matter. We are going to start by reading some of the book together and watch Love Busters vids. Decide next step from there.

I've also continued to read on my own.

Progress.... I am pleased and grateful.

Ok, it sounds like you are following your own plan and completely ignored my post. What about anger management? Dr. Harley would advise that you resolve this FIRST. It is a serious problem. You can't work on your marriage until this is resolved FIRST.

If you won't take my advice, then I would strongly urge you to email Dr. Harley at the radio show and get his advice. Click on the radio link at the top of the page and it will give you directions on how to reach him.

Chazz, please listen closely to MelodyLane if you want to recover your marriage - she is the best we've got. If she asks you a question, answer it: let her point you to what you are missing.