When I write, do I include a link to this thread?
Start from the begining?
Just hit main points?

There's no fixed way to do it. Surely you can write an email laying out the problem?

Do you listen to the radio show on a regular basis? Have you downloaded the free app?

Letter sent and addressed on today's show.

I've only just noticed this post. I can't listen to the radio right now. What did Dr Harley say?

They actually spent a good portion of the show on it.

Basic advice given was:

Stick to Plan A.
Do not have deep or philosophical discussions.
Try to keep all talk fun.
Ask for dates and/or fun activities at least every other day.
Treat her like a Queen.
Make deposits when possible.
Likely to see some light through the tunnel in about 3 months.


It's going to be tough as we do talk a little every day, more text than phone or in person, (she gets much less upset texting than during a phone call), but when I tell her how special she is, or exactly how I will meet this need or that, the next statement from her simply relates to whatever the previous topic was.

So, "treating her like a Queen" is a rough path.

She will talk to me about any other subject, but asking to do fun things results in "no" answers and "stop it".

I have a feeling that asking every other day might be a bit too much.

Both have now deactivated their FB pages. The OM two weeks ago, and her just yesterday.

Not sure what to make of that.
I know she told him "I will never regret our time together"... but the closing of the pages seems to indicate guilt or embarrassment.


* She tried to say it was because I was sharing "crap" on her page (photos of her, I and our children with praises along side them), but one can simply hide stuff on their timeline, no need to shut down the whole page.

Here is the radio clip of your email.
Radio Clip of PTSD's e-mail

Thank you for the link. I have saved it.


It has been 6 weeks since exposure and it had the effect it was intended to. By all evidence the affair has ended. (although one can not be 100% sure)

I do know some charity acquaintances (members of the current administration) have been sending my WW support messages, not really knowing what has happened, but asking if there is anything they can do.

Would it be a benefit to tell them myself, or does this prove to be detrimental, after this amount of time?

She has calmed from the exposure, and I think by doing more it will prove to cause another round of extreme anger.

My wife is becoming more friendly, but after I respected her wishes and slowed down, the communication is slowing drastically.

I keep up with a couple flattering messages each day and ask how she is, but texts are now only getting a couple words to nothing in reply, and phone calls/ visits have dropped to nearly nothing.

I am feeling that the more I hold off, the more I am quietly loosing her.

Thank you as always.


Edit:
I have discovered, just now, that at least some of these people sending her support letters do in fact know, to some extent, what has happened and whom the OM is. Apparently word of the exposure letters has found its way through the grapevine, to both friends and those who want to humiliate her. One of the people sending my wife a support letter is a member of the current charity administration (the person in charge of discipline/ conflict resolution) and is asking me if what they heard is true. I am at a loss as to if it would be a benefit to confirm to this person what has happened.

The remaining members of the current charity staff are already hostile toward my WW and there is a good chance that if they get word the situation has been directly confirmed, it would result in public humiliation for her.

I thought the advice in previous posts was to expose at the charity, especially since your wife and the OM were using the charity to meet up in other cities.

Resign from the charity and find a different one, local that doesn't involve overnight travel. There are plenty of good causes out there.

Correction: her AFFAIR will cause public humiliation, not exposing it.

I fully understand that, but what I do not need or want is another round of anger toward me, 6 weeks after the initial exposure, and setting any progress made back to zero.

These are people who will not support me or talk to her about it. It will spread word of the affair wider, but they will only use it in an effort to hurt her (and in turn she will blame me) or cause trouble for both of us.

* I have already resigned from the charity.

Only good can come from this exposure.

This charity has a cancer. The OM and WW must be removed forever from it. I am sure that the charity moneys have been misspent on this affair.

The person contacting you needs your help for her to be able to clean house at the charity.

Also your WW can no longer be involved there for so many reasons but the most important one is that she used the charity as a cover for her affair and used the charity to cover her over night trips with the OM.

That is done.

Provided some detail on how the organization was used to carry on an affair and how everyone within it were openly lied to.

I explained the situation and that it is essential contact with the OM must be permanent. Steps are being taken to prevent the OM from returning, after his suspension for a non-related reason, (which ends next February) and my wife has little interest in returning.

I have refrained from doing so as much as I would like, but do very desperately want to tell her every day how much she is loved and that whatever faults (which I am still basically unaware of) she had with me are gone.
That I have the tools and we can rebuild a great marriage and partnership.

But the times that I do approach the subject, she actually gets turned off by this... "I'm not going through this with you now".

"The damage is done. Do the townspeople care if the dam is fixed, after the town is flooded?"

Ignoring the obvious and talking about other subjects gains some results (ie: longer phone calls by a few minutes) but she no longer initiates the communication, has stopped the occasional visits to home, and we now only text/ talk about an hour and a half, spread throughout the week.

Not through my lack of trying, but through a lack of response.
She reads the messages, but only occasionally gives a few words to something I have written, or answer the phone only after repeted tries.

I know it has only been 10 weeks since discovery and 6 since exposure, (although we have been separated... with very little explanation... for 11 months) but I feel very little progress is being made and the effort I put in is not being returned in an amount I can hold onto.

As advised through the radio program, I do regularly suggest non-romantic, fun things to do.
Those were previously met with solid "No" answers, but now the response is "I don't know" or "I don't think that would be a good idea".
Softer words, but I can't really consider it progress.

She also tries to continually pick apart sentences and find a fault or reason to get angry.
I then have to gently explain that the reason to get angry in which she is searching for, does not exist.

I have been nothing but calm, gentle, soft spoken and flattering, since the very day after discovery.

Based on current investment versus return, at least at this very moment in time, I see a projection of perpetual separation without divorce.
Wherein I continue to attempt deposits and am met with aggressive responses, small talk of non related subjects, or simply being ignored.

Things were looking better, but are slipping further backward, since she broke contact with the OM.

While I am in a sustained state of sadness, weeping, internal anger, and depression (all the while maintaining Plan A),
she seems to be unfazed and non-responsive.


My question is...

Based on such a scenario,

Do I keep up with initiating phone contact in an effort to provide deposits?
Do I continue with the flattering and/ conversational texts, knowing they are read but will likely not be replied to?

Do I go silent, not knowing how long it might be before she begins to open up... if ever.


Thank you again.

* It is helpful but very strange to seek advice on communicating with a women I have known completely and been married to for a quarter of a century.

** Mothers day is in a few days and our first anniversary apart is in two weeks.

In the last couple days there has been a bit of change in her current personality.
She returns my wishes to have a great day, and hopes to have a good night.

I have most recently stated that I thank God every day for blessing me with her and that I hope she will open her heart to all I have been saying.

Her response to this is... She has been listening to all I have been saying, and knows I am struggling to accept what she has been saying (that she will not be coming back). That "...It is simply too late for us", followed with a well wished goodnight and to get some rest.

I then explained that if she gives us some time together, I will prove every day that I know what it takes to make her happy.
But that it must start with time for attention.

Followed by each other saying "Good night".


I am still unsure of how to continue, with the same questions as just above...

-Do I keep up with initiating phone contact in an effort to provide deposits?
-Do I continue with the flattering and/ conversational texts, knowing they are read but will often likely not be replied to?
-Keep up with explaining I know what it takes and have forever been changed?

-Do I go silent, not knowing how long it might be before she opens up, or is the one to initiate communication... if ever?


As always, thank you.

* 10 weeks since discovery, 6 since exposure, 2 since breaking contact with OM.

If you are in Plan A then you keep up with Plan A.

Have you written Dr. Harley again? Are you taking ADs?

I have written again and am awaiting a reply.

Although it is tough to build deposits through infrequent phone calls and text messages, I am still keeping with Plan A.

(If I had her back home, I know how to build deposits in great numbers)

No, no AD's yet.
(although I know she has researched one for herself)
I've just felt that if I do start taking them, I am losing and forced into something I never thought or envisioned I would ever need. And, forced upon me by something not of my own doing.

It is definitely a roller coaster.
Just when I thought it might not be working, I decided to visit old friends and party for a weekend.
This caused me to loosen up with the messaging and talk about fun times in the past, and I did not hide my effort to tell her I love her.

She actually replied and put some effort in to carry on a conversation.

I have started texting song lyrics to a song she knows reminds me of her, and with each reply, I type in the next verse.

Today I called, we talked for a 1/2 hour and I said I miss her and need to see her.

"I'll will come today" ... was the reply.

It won't be alone time as the children will be here, but I guess I will see what happens.