Questions I still have:


Post #2881381

Based on the 100's of storied expressed on these forums, am I to expect such disrespectful and abusive behavior toward me for no reason? Outright name calling, swearing... ect?

Just for being caring, gentle, explaining change can happen, and expressing love?


Post #2881680

What am I to do about her now wanting, and succeeding, to take the children any time she pleases, for nights and days at a time, when she had little time for them while the affair was ongoing?
And, while they have been living here at home for the entire past year?
Do I start making a stand in regard to the children, knowing it will result in abuse sand steps backward?

*Even calmly trying to work on a mutual decision in this regard results in abuse and hang ups on calls.



Post #2882017

How do I tailor a possible Plan B for my separated situation, and her quite likely no longer in contact with the OM?



Post #2881915


Should suggest the radio app to her, or would that be a bad idea?




post #2882023

Do I stay with plan Plan A?
Tailor a Plan B... start an unannounced Plan B (ie: I tell her, each time, in an informal way that she will have to call someone else to contact me)

or just go silent and wait?


post #2882026

If there is increased belief that contact between the two WS's
has happened, is there much I can do?



* Should I start to explain that have a new life for the both of us, I am moving forward, and would like her there with ,me, (basically.. I'm going ahead with or without you)Or, do I continue asking for small amounts of time, every day?

You are getting very discouraged because you are putting in lots of effort with seemingly no results. You can't educate her as if you know that there is a magic marriage pill that she doesn't know about. That would feel condescending. You can express a willingness to make changes from your side to create a life where you both can be happy. You should show her that you will listen to each and every concern she has. You should go about improving your skill in anything she needed from you over the years, but you lacked. Resolve any complaints she had about you, especially the things she felt you ignored. Do it on your own without making it a topic of conversation. Show her that those changes are permanent habits.

If you are doing all of that, then that's all you can do. It's up to her to give it a chance. You don't need to go overboard showering your wife with gifts and expressions of love. I would not bombard her constantly like a stalker, in a way that feels demanding. It should feel caring, light and supportive. Think about her day and what you could do to help her day be easier. Consistently behave as you did when you dated her. What did she like about you? Have you tried solving her problems? Domestic support? Family activities like bike rides, picnics or game nights? Have you improved your ability to provide financial security?

If she gets rude, try to remember that it comes from a surge in emotions. Tell her that you are sorry that you upset her and is there any way that you can help her feel better? Then if it continues, tell her that you've gotta go, but that you can talk later when things have calmed down. You can remove yourself when you are getting hurt.

Are you reading other threads? Because you can learn what to do by paying attention to the advice others receive. Focus on educating yourself right now so that you understand the basic concepts and applications inside out.

Plan B....the point is not to kill the affair. It could even make the affair stronger for a time. The point is that it protects you emotionally and preserves any love you have left for your wife. It leaves your wife with a message of care, positivity, and willingness to make her the most important person in your life.

If you get the radio show archive access, I would suggest searching for segments about affairs, and listen to every single one where the caller is male. Listening to MBR was a beneficial distraction for me during frustrating times.

This is a long post...the intent is to support you since I can see your discouragement. You may already be doing what I have suggested, and my intent is not to pressure you.

Others will come along who can better advise about the kid situation and if it's Plan B time. Hang in there PTSD.

Thanks DQ,

I have been pushing I guess. Unintentionally.
It's tough not to express constantly, when you actually do love someone that much, and the reason she has given is that she didn't feel loved, without me yet fully understanding how that had happened.

I felt that expressing often that she is in fact loved dearly, would be beneficial, but the reactions tell me differently.

I have also been trying to break a wall, as to just get my foot in. What in fact frustrates me is that we are not living together, and the realization that IF it is going to work out, it is going to be a very long time process.

Trying to get a large amount of information/ deposits in, by piece mail and written words, without the physical closeness to show it by continued action, and face to face discussion, is very difficult.

I have been trying to overthink it and have been coming from a place of us being together and her being my wife for over 23 years.
I suppose I will shift to a slower gear, hang in there, and do what I can to treat her as I did when she was my GF.
( Yet now a reluctant GF )

Opportunities for deposits are going to be few and far between, but I guess that is all I can do. I only hope they build over time and are not forgotten while in between.

It's a bit scary because the doctor predicted, during my last email, that a drop in my love could happen any day... and within the last few days I can almost pinpoint when that small drop happened.

It is double edged, because although it has helped the depression somewhat, and has now caused me to calm down some and think a bit clearer in terms of our current status, it is still very deep and I do not want it to drop any further.

The drop has caused me to also resume activities outside of the house and once again connect with a few friends. I am going to start interspersing inviting her to already planned activities and less of solely trying to suggest things that could be.

She has no independent friends, so perhaps by seeing my return to those we are friends with will help her realize she has isolated herself and possibly want to join in.

* Sorry for the blog-ish post, I am still open to advice on my above questions.

Yes! Because that's why she agreed to marry you in the first place.


Good brainstorming.

I have a neighbor whose ex husband sleeps over quite often lately. When she first moved in he didn't. But then I noticed him helping to landscape the yard, work on house repairs etc. Just a thought...

Maybe someone can give me a suggestion on a couple issues?

I have resolved to keep my efforts to the frame of mind of treating her as a GF.
* This is going to take some creativity, as we all know while dating/ courting a GF, it is based on learning about them, finding their likes/ dislikes, discovering common interests.

I already know all of these things, so a courtship ritual will need to be something out of the ordinary.

Any suggestions?


My primary question is this...
As I mentioned above, today is our 21st wedding Anniversary and the first one separated.

I asked yesterday, in person, if she would like to go on a date today... the answer was no.

Should I today acknowledge this day to her in any special way?
All I have done so far is send a text saying "Good Morning", followed by "Happy Anniversary".

My instinct is to add a simple compliment or expression of what these decades have meant to me. And perhaps ask again if she would like to do something today. (keeping it light and simple such as lunch or a walk in the park)


Good idea?... Bad idea?... Couldn't hurt?

Thanks.



Today is also going to be rough, because I have decided that I am going to contact an attorney for a consultation on my situation with the kids.

I did express yesterday... very nicely (within the same time period of asking for a date) that I felt the fact that she was now claiming so many days as "her days" with the kids, was unfair and a mutual situation had to be agreed upon. She said she was open to doing that... but as I have no idea what is in her mind, day to day... the selfishness could return at any time.

First anniversary separated, first contact of a lawyer by either of us, and on the same day.

I would focus some time on family outings and family activities. (I already mentioned this...did it get through?)

I would start planning family activities on days the kids are with you, when you already know that she is free. Let her know that you and the kids are going to the movies and you would really love it if she would come with you. If not, go anyway with the kids. Plan things that the kids will want to do, where she would feel left out if she doesn't show up.

Can you do this?

So you knew that something was wrong for a long time. Did you ever figure out what was wrong?

This question frustrates me a bit.

Dr. Harley answered this type of question for a male caller the other day on MB radio and it seems to me that if you were listening, you would've known the answer.

Can you see where I am coming from?

<< So you knew that something was wrong for a long time. Did you ever figure out what was wrong? >>

The "pain" comment she gave me came months after discovery.
Before discovery... The only indication that something was wrong was a "I am not happy" comment, and at another time, the "I love you but am not in love with you" statement.

I tried... hard, for quite a while, to find out what it was.
I'd ask her every day to come talk and we would figure out what it was.
But, she shut down and did not want to talk about anything.
Both of those comments were well after the affair had already started.

I did not know at the time that these statements meant that an affair has already begun. I didn't even comprehend such a thing was possible.
If I had known, it never would have reached this point.



<< I would start planning family activities on days the kids are with you, when you already know that she is free. Let her know that you and the kids are going to the movies and you would really love it if she would come with you. If not, go anyway with the kids. Plan things that the kids will want to do, where she would feel left out if she doesn't show up.
>>

Absolutely can... when given the opportunity.
I have done some, but I am going to try and ramp it up.
The trouble is she has several days off per week and takes them on each day off.
but i will try even harder. They deserve it too.


<< This question frustrates me a bit. >>

I try to listen to the radio program every day.
I missed one or two recently.

Considering the circumstances I believe I handled today pretty well. Set my mind to deal with her as a woman I did not know very well and was courting. Resulting in her chatting about interests for a while... at least until the messages came to a halt.

* I gave the gifts two days early, so I was able to stretch mention of the anniversary out over three days.

Wow just got another session of nice chatting.

I'm glad that you were able to meet her need for conversation. I would keep doing that and separate those chats from any possible expectations. Maybe ask her out at a separate time, with a specific plan. Movie, yogurt, ice cream, walk etc.

In fact, if you do a family activity when YOU have the kids, and ask her out for when SHE has the kids, her mom might be able to hang with the kids. I'm not sure about your kids' ages, but this is a perfect scenario of a good UA time habit that could start now and be sustained. Of course it's a lofty goal but why not try? It might distract her once she finally agrees to go.

I'm glad that you are listening to MBR. Thank you for not being defensive. I got a different impression when you asked about acknowledging the day in a special way. If you get the archives, you might want to search about conversation or disrespectful judgments. Conversation is a need she might let you meet.

Is this your question?

Radio Clip of PTSD's E-mail

It is.
With a small amount of my first letter mixed in.
(the background info)

Even then, things are changing every day.
She is talking more... but it's all text right now.
I've held back on the flattery, and the love expressions and the talk revolves around our days.
It's like were talking to each other as friends we care about.

That is better... but at the same time, as I condition myself to communicate with her as a GF, my mentality and possibly feelings are very, very, slowly following (equalizing, if I may use that term) downward to that level, and it is a bit frightening.

I know if I see her in person the feelings will rocket back up. But as of right now, that is not happening. No face to face, no phone... just texts.

You had asked a question about increasing financial ability...

I had been working a "safety net" part time job for the past year, as I pursued avenues to return to my normal life long career.
I did increase ability by recently taking on yet a second part time job.

I mention this because of a development that has happened within just the last 24 hours.
I have returned from my "safety net" job(s) to my normal lifelong career. (at nearly 5x the pay)

We talked about that for a while during my first day and I had expressed how so may things were going to change as well as possible futures, with such an instant rise in income.
(not change for "us", but in general)

She gave me the "good for you" (not... "good for us"), and congratulations.

She in turn has had a smaller part time job, for 9 years, with a well known corporation... which she was really happy with.

For the past year she has had a second part time that is merely average.

By absolute coincidence, the very night from which I returned to my career, she was laid off from the job she enjoyed most for 9 years.
As a result, she started talking to me instead of the other way around and flooded my phone with texts about her being bummed about her development.

I consoled her, said I am hear to listen, how everything will be okay... ect.
She was also frightened as this job of hers held our family's health insurance. It was another item I consoled her about as now that I have returned to my career, the coverage will be much larger than what she had had.

It ended, without me asking, by her saying she will try to come by before work and hang out for a while, before wishing me a good night.

* I don't really believe it will happen, but it was initiated by her, and not myself.

Congratulations on the job, PTSD.

I hope that she came by. Sometimes things have to get formal and more careful before they get relaxed again.

Let us know how the evening goes.

Did she come by?

As I suspected, it didn't happen.

But... again without my asking... she said she will try to get ready earlier to give herself more time to come today.

Not holding breath, but I suppose I will see what happens.

Another no show.

Confusing as to why she is the one to say she will be here, but doesn't do it.
All I can think is that she is softer in the evenings, when she has said these things, and becomes hard again in the afternoons.

Another thing that has confused me through all of this is that when she becomes upset she mentions divorce and lawyers.
Yet has never, nor do I foresee her actually taking a step in that direction.

Curious as to why that is and if it has any meaningful hope.

How's it going PTSD?

Still very much the same.
I did get her to have an hour long phone talk a couple weeks ago, but it is still me who initiates nearly all contact. Phone conversations have become nearly non-existent and text messages pile up before a response. I am still receiving verbal abuse on a regular basis and refusals to go on any dates.

There are times when she texts in a non aggressive manner, but
it is short and refuses to continue the conversation afterward.

She has also kept the children far beyond the agreed upon days.

As of right now, I continue to remind her that I am in love with her, that she can talk with me, and after all that has happened I would not allow us to be anything else but completely happy. I have also taken chances on playful teasing to describing how well I am doing out here.

I figure I have nothing to lose, and have approached our conversations from all angles, with the exception of any anger or demands.

Most recently, I invited her to a big event this past weekend that nearly all of our friends were also attending. She had to work, but it was an event she would, in years past, take off work for.
I believe she doesn't want to show up, knowing everyone knows what happened. I assured her I would defend and stand right beside her forever.

I am contemplating stopping contact for a while, but that is a scary prospect as from what I have read on the main site, it is not recommended for separated couples to cease contact.

If I do this, I am also unsure of how long to wait before trying again.

Why are you thinking of ceasing contact? Are you not able to stay in Plan A?