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No, I didn't read that, but I did read in previous threads that I need to be flexible for my H, and eliminate LBs. H sees my need for consistent bedtimes for the kids and my concern with our son eating junk foods that worsen his behavior as being controlling. He sees my request that he R w me instead of this lunchtime group of women as a selfish demand.
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When I've asked him to make more UA time for me he says I'm complaining.
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If I try to impose on that, he will resent me. So? How is that even remotely a concern compared to the pain he is causing you? And this is where I'm at. I truly thought it was me. I thought I'd come here and everyone would tell me to let go of the inflexibility, that I've pushed him away. That I need to be more fun for him to want to be around me more. That talking with other women over me isn't an EA because there are no texts with them, etc. That I'm the one here so I need to do the work, not him. And I'm hurting so much I don't want to do anything more until he stops this and puts me first.
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No, I didn't read that, but I did read in previous threads that I need to be flexible for my H, and eliminate LBs. H sees my need for consistent bedtimes for the kids and my concern with our son eating junk foods that worsen his behavior as being controlling. He sees my request that he R w me instead of this lunchtime group of women as a selfish demand. Flexible doesn't mean put up with things that Dr. Harley says are always a bad idea for a marriage, like porn, heroin addiction, friendships with the opposite sex, or nights apart.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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He's not going with other women to join them, but they are there too. You don't really know his motivation. You cannot see inside his mind. Regardless, it is marriage wrecking behavior whether he intends it to be or not. You need to snoop. I'd show up to one of the games unannounced and just watch. How should I explain the hurtfulness in this situation? That our son shouldn't be doing travel sports if it doesn't accommodate out entire family? "I am no longer willing to live this way. I am no longer willing to spend nights apart."
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Do I have the right to tell him I don't support this activity? Even if it means our son misses out? You have every right. In fact, you have an obligation, because your son's whole world depends upon your marriage. If your marriage crumbles, then his world crumbles. His parents having a healthy, loving, romantic marriage is far more important than the experience of travelling for a game. This is what I needed to hear. Can't tell you how much I appreciate this, Prisca. And if my H completely disagrees? I've said this and he ignores it. I've asked him to not coach. He's now coaching two teams for our one son. Still move forward with ENQ, LBQ, and ask him to read book/do workbook? He will do it (to placate me) but he's overwhelmed with coaching/travel/work. What do I do in meantime?
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H sees my need for consistent bedtimes for the kids and my concern with our son eating junk foods that worsen his behavior as being controlling. In a healthy marriage, this could be negotiated. He sees my request that he R w me instead of this lunchtime group of women as a selfish demand. It's not. Not even close. When I've asked him to make more UA time for me he says I'm complaining. You SHOULD be complaining! Complaining is a good thing! And this is where I'm at. I truly thought it was me. I thought I'd come here and everyone would tell me to let go of the inflexibility, that I've pushed him away. That I need to be more fun for him to want to be around me more. That talking with other women over me isn't an EA because there are no texts with them, etc. That I'm the one here so I need to do the work, not him. And I'm hurting so much I don't want to do anything more until he stops this and puts me first. But we're not telling you that, are we? Your husband is abusing you in the worst way imaginable.
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he said the pool was too small, not enough action, He is using the guise of good family guy to get some action.
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No, you're not telling me that and I'm grateful to you all for the help in confirming that I'm not crazy. In my situation, would you still recommend starting with ENQ and LBQ (again)?
Or do we need to immediately schedule a counseling call with MB? My H needs to hear this from someone other than me.
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This is what I needed to hear. Can't tell you how much I appreciate this, Prisca. And if my H completely disagrees? I've said this and he ignores it. I've asked him to not coach. He's now coaching two teams for our one son. Still move forward with ENQ, LBQ, and ask him to read book/do workbook? He will do it (to placate me) but he's overwhelmed with coaching/travel/work. What do I do in meantime? Follow the plan that Sugarcane posted. ( When to Call it Quits) You can offer him the chance to build a marriage with you. But you cannot force him. If he's unwilling, you will need to go to Plan B to protect yourself.
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he said the pool was too small, not enough action, He is using the guise of good family guy to get some action. Point taken, but at this time he was hanging with the other dads. He's not "getting action" from the other moms there. That one single mom brought her boyfriend on this trip and was busy hanging out w him, not even by the pools.
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This is what I needed to hear. Can't tell you how much I appreciate this, Prisca. And if my H completely disagrees? I've said this and he ignores it. I've asked him to not coach. He's now coaching two teams for our one son. Still move forward with ENQ, LBQ, and ask him to read book/do workbook? He will do it (to placate me) but he's overwhelmed with coaching/travel/work. What do I do in meantime? Follow the plan that Sugarcane posted. ( When to Call it Quits) You can offer him the chance to build a marriage with you. But you cannot force him. If he's unwilling, you will need to go to Plan B to protect yourself. Ok this is what I will do. I feel better knowing there is a plan. Thank you again for all your help here, and your time.
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No, you're not telling me that and I'm grateful to you all for the help in confirming that I'm not crazy. In my situation, would you still recommend starting with ENQ and LBQ (again)?
Or do we need to immediately schedule a counseling call with MB? My H needs to hear this from someone other than me. I would let him know that you are no longer interested in overnight separation. I would let him know that you want to follow this program to the letter to have a romantic marriage. (The forms are just a small fraction of the program, so small it's almost not worth mentioning...) If he's jumps at the chance, GREAT! But I doubt he will. He's enjoying his women. What you really need to be doing is snooping behind the scenes. You need to find out what you're really up against. Who are these moms that he's so close to?
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Or do we need to immediately schedule a counseling call with MB? My H needs to hear this from someone other than me. You can talk to Dr. Harley for free. Contact him at mbradio@marrigebuilders.com
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No, you're not telling me that and I'm grateful to you all for the help in confirming that I'm not crazy. In my situation, would you still recommend starting with ENQ and LBQ (again)?
Or do we need to immediately schedule a counseling call with MB? My H needs to hear this from someone other than me. I would let him know that you are no longer interested in overnight separation. I would let him know that you want to follow this program to the letter to have a romantic marriage. (The forms are just a small fraction of the program, so small it's almost not worth mentioning...) If he's jumps at the chance, GREAT! But I doubt he will. He's enjoying his women. What you really need to be doing is snooping behind the scenes. You need to find out what you're really up against. Who are these moms that he's so close to? He is enjoying the admiration he gets in this class- it's highly skilled and he's one of the best. The instructors use him for demos. They are all married and tell me often how amazing he is in class, how he should become an instructor. Of course this makes him feel great and I can't compete. I'm not anywhere near his level. As for the sports, he will not jump to have our son stop participating. He will do anything for our son and he believes this is absolutely the healthiest, right thing for him. He will continue to see me as an obstacle. I'll email Dr. Harley now.
Last edited by Kat37; 05/13/16 11:17 AM.
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You need to get the book "Surviving an Affair and read it. It will be an eye opener.
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He is enjoying the admiration he gets in this class- it's highly skilled and he's one of the best. The instructors use him for demos. They are all married and tell me often how amazing he is in class, how he should become an instructor. Of course this makes him feel great and I can't compete. I'm not anywhere near his level. As for the sports, he will not jump to have our son stop participating. He will do anything for our son and he believes this is absolutely the healthiest, right thing for him. He will continue to see me as an obstacle. This is not a marriage. If your marriage is to survive, he will not be able to participate in these activities anymore. I'll email Dr. Harley now. Let us know what Dr. Harley says. If you don't hear back from him in a few days, let the moderators know. Sometimes emails to him get marked as spam, and the moderators will alert him that you are trying to contact him.
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He demands freedom, within the context of not breaking our M vows. If I try to impose on that, he will resent me. He already is. Hi Kat, you are getting great advice, but I wanted to comment on this. His "resentment" is not the biggest problem, YOURS IS. The type of resentment you have is the type that destroys marriages. The type he would have by abandoning his independent lifestyle is the type that ends the moment an alternative solution is found. Can someone post Type A and Type B resentment for her? I am away from my laptop.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok I get that. I've read this before and it helps, but I'm starting to think that my resentment doesn't matter to him. Ouch. His definitely matters to me.
I'll get the Surviving an Affair book now. I just sent an email to Dr. Harley.
Last edited by Kat37; 05/13/16 11:49 AM.
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