No, he didn't. He won't. He keeps telling me there were 0 women he talked with before and after class, unless it was in a group setting. It was very obvious to me from this woman's behavior on Friday night that I explained above that he did talk with her often.

He's now telling me he can't talk to me, I'm being venomous, I'm looking for a "hit list" etc. I admit I may not be pleasant but I'm not yelling, screaming, or calling names. I'm speaking clearly, and not letting him off the hook with telling there were 0 women he talked to.

He refuses to do it. He says he tried. He says he will email Dr. H but then when I told him he will likely explain why he needs to give me this transparency, he then said he'd find a therapist himself.

We never did a lie detector test. I told him Sat I need him to do it and he said ok, but that was when he was trying to make me feel better and talk it out with me. Right now he isn't doing that. He is closed off, shutting down. Blaming me for not being able to discuss it nicely.

Follow through with the polygraph. It is obvious your Husband hasn't told you everything or you wouldn't have found out about this woman. And him getting defensive is a huge red flag as SusieQ mentioned.

I think one of the problems here Kat is that you have a gut instinct telling you that there are things you don't know, that you are still in the dark. You have an instinct telling you that there is still a threat to you.

I personally think that even though he seems to be cooperating in many ways, something just smells fishy here.

I would absolutely follow through with the poly. It is very common for someone to enthusiastically agree to a poly just to throw you off, and most people take their spouses enthusiastic agreement as a 'see, they must be truthful or they wouldn't agree to this' and never do the poly. That is where you are right now. In most cases I have seen here, when the poly was actually followed through on, more information was revealed.

I also think there is still a lot of disrespectful behavior going on here. He still seems to be taking sides with the kids over you, telling you how you should feel, and manipulating the situation in his favor.

'Discussing it nicely' means, just accept what I am telling you without questioning or getting upset.

Thanks Brain and unwritten. I've asked him to email Dr. H to see what to do next. We ended up talking into the night late again. I told him I needed him to tell me everything so we don't have to discuss it again. I'm not sure he will be willing to go over it yet again though.

What about the poly Kat? I feel like you are avoiding that question.

Unwritten, I'm hoping that if Dr. Harley suggests it, my husband will see it as reasonable.

Dr Harley may not come right out and suggest it. But he would never see it as unreasonable, if you were concerned about your spouses truthfulness. If your H is being truthful, it is a great tool to not only show that he is, but also make you feel more safe.

You may have to bring it up though. You may have to tell Dr Harley that you would like your H to take a polygraph to confirm whether or not he has had any inappropriate relationships and/or is still keeping things from you.

What I find disturbing is that you seem to think your husband will not find it reasonable coming from you.

Even if he thought it was unreasonable, if that's what it took to calm his wife, keep his marriage together and he had nothing to hide, he wouldn't resist it, Kat.

I asked you before and I'll ask you again - would you resist a poly? Had my ex WH ever asked me, I would have laughed and said, OK, any time.

This is called gaslighting.

I don't know if your H is hiding an affair, but he's hiding something. Sorry to tell you

I 100% agree.

SusieQ has lived this, but it is usually when a spouse bends over backwards to *seemingly* do whatever you want (but not exactly), that I am most suspicious. It is the tactic I see in people with deep entrenched SSL. I don't know if that is the case here or not, but MY instincts are telling me something isn't right here. I can only imagine what your instincts are telling you.

Check his personal and business credit reports. Most activities leave a money trail.

The other thing is, Kat: You KNOW he has a secret second life.

If he didn't, these situations with these women running up to your H acting like he's a close friend and he's never mentioned them would not be happening. A hallmark of someone who is carrying on a SSL is that they do not tell you details about their life like that.

I want to mention one other thing, I think you believe since your H was willing to do the poly and now has backtracked and blamed it on you that his refusal somehow makes "sense". That is actually pretty normal, for a person to agree and then start to backpedal and gaslight when it seems like it's actually going to happen. That was my exWH. He was wholeheartedly willing to do it until he saw that I was serious about making it happen. Then the excuses started rolling in.

Susie, I would not hesitate at all to take a poly if my husband asked me to, nor would I hesitate at all to tell him anything he wanted to know about anyone I ever talked to at the gym.

I did not ask my H a second time for a poly. The first time was in the middle of the night and he wanted to reassure me and he agreed. I don't think he thought I was serious though.

We just had another good talk, but he is standing by his word that there were no women in rec class he had inappropriate boundaries with or considered a friend. He says he does not want coaching because we are strong and can talk anything out. That I mean everything to him. He said he does not feel good when I am unhappy and he wants to make me happy. He has explained to me many times that he did not feel any connection to this woman at all or anyone else. He said he never expected me to feel threatened by his behavior and now that he knows, he will never do it again.

Everyone here has given me so much support. Susie, you've given me a lot to think about. I see what you're saying. It is a great relief to come here and know that I'm not overreacting. Thank you all for the help. What if he doesn't contact Dr. Harley? Joyce replied to me quickly and I'm certain I can ask her for help on recommending a poly.

But I know my husband will see that as crazy. He would never ask me for one. He prioritizes trust (I know MB's stance on this). He says he fully trusts me and if the situation were reversed, he'd have an issue with a guy coming up to me like that but he'd trust that I didn't cross a line.

Thanks for this- it's what I already know that is bothering me. I do see it as an ability to have a SSL from me, though he promises that was never his intention or the case.

These two things strongly contradict each other. He wants to make you happy, but refuses to the coaching you have asked him to do several times.

There is no harm in coaching. Worse case scenario, it wouldn't work to make you happier. People who are not familiar with MB might believe this to be the case. But best case scenario, it would. So if that is his goal, why would he not agree to it?

The question is, do YOU see it as crazy? Are YOU comfortable with just blindly trusting each others word?

You are making decisions based on fear of his reaction right now. You are not thinking for yourself. You will not ask for a poly because you think he will react negatively to it.

Because he says it's his job to make me happy, that we are in love and able to talk through our problems as they come up. That we are both intelligent, successful people who are strong together. He says it is his job to stay strong and he is fully committed to me and our marriage. That he didn't intend to hurt me, was never unfaithful. He sees counseling in any form as a place for those w bad marriages, who are unfaithful, though he knows I seek help from MB and he is fine with me doing counseling,coaching, etc.

He's a very strong-willed, motivated person who tries not to let emotions get in the way of logic. I'm probably the exact opposite- I tend to get very emotional.