Hi,
First, thanks in advance for the help and guidance. I've been reading through threads here, I have read. His Needs, Her Needs, all of Dr. Harley's articles, and I've been listening to the show for a week, as well as relavent clips posted.

My H and I have been married 13 years, have two children ages 12 and 9. My H and I love each other, but we are having a hard time meeting each other's needs. I'm very frustrated by his IB and that he doesn't meet my ENs. The IB has been going on since we married, but now that he's not meeting my ENs, I'm resentful and sad.

He puts our oldest before me. Our son was very high needs, in many ways, still is, but it's getting much easier. For years, yes, years, I did not sleep. This was very hard on our marriage, especially since my H spent hours daily having fun and doing R activities without me during this time. I implemented a very specific schedule using advice from a Dr who worked with children like ours. It was very helpful in allowing me to cope, and we got through it. We had another child 3 years later, used the same schedule, plus added help with a consistent babysitter (I stay home w our boys). Things went great the second time around, H and I enjoyed many hours of conversation after I put children to bed, always early and on time to give us plenty of UA time, which we used well.

In the last 2 years, things have changed. H didn't want our oldest (or even both children) to have such a fixed schedule. He wanted it to be more flexible, with no set bedtimes, and open depending on what neighborhood kids and friends are doing. He didn't want our oldest on his specific diet recommended by his Dr (not life threatening, but helps immensely w his behavior, anxiety, and reactions). Oldest has been in therapy for anxiety and reactions this past year.

Oldest started playing for a highly competitive travel sports team 2 years ago. H wanted him to stay up as late as everyone else, until midnight usually, and eat whatever he wanted. This was not negotiable, so I didn't have a choice. Discussing it turned into arguments. So our way of handling was for me to stay home w youngest during biweekly or monthly tournaments while H and oldest went out of town. Last summer, there was a weeklong tournament so we joined. First night, H told me that my being there made everything hard. I had said we should think about getting dinner (it was 6pm). No team dinner was planned that night but he wanted to wait until other team families showed up to get consensus. That evening, he was irritable w me, I was hurt, and he was nicer to everyone else than he was to me. He smiled and reached out to touch the back of a single mom on the team. I know he considers her a "team" friend, and she is somewhat on her own at these tournaments, so I'm sure she finds my H a nice guy. He did this in front of me, not to hurt me, but it did. The next day he took son to the pool and when I came down they were sitting together. It hurt. I told him, he was shocked, but he understood and apologized, reassuring me he loves me and did not have any intent to be inappropriate.

The only UA time I get w H now is a weekly date night that isn't planned, often cancelled due to son's training schedule, which is often not planned in advance. Sometimes we only go biweekly or monthly. Every single time, I get dressed up, in a good mood, and every single time, H is silent, or critical of something I say, or irritable. It starts off well, then ends badly, I've asked him for more UA time. He works no more than 40 hours a week for himself, is great at his job, and is now coaching two teams for our son. He's gone every evening, we don't have dinner together, and all weekend is about training or games. But, it is the season. Other seasons, the TV is on for football games. I've asked him to pick games, not watch them every night, and he will, but only after it turns into an argument. We had friends over who are not into football, and he refused to turn it off when I asked.

He does R with a group at lunchtime every weekday. I've asked to do this together. When I have joined, he will not even be by me sometimes. Many other women in this sitch. They know me, and are my friends too, but he loves this time and I def feel like I'm imposing. I once showed up right as class was starting and he told me I ruined it for him by being late since I wasn't 10 min early. He didn't save my spot next to him.

He sends a loving text once a day. No calls. We have coffee in the mornings but he's often on his phone and I'm on my iPad. Evenings are all about sports, the kids, or his phone catching up on work emails since he leaves work early most days to coach practices. No affection, other than a kiss goodbye and sometimes hi in evenings. Very little conversation. He told me he doesn't always need to talk and feels resentful that I get upset w him when we sit in silence. Sex is down to once a month, maybe. I don't initiate since I'm not getting R, affection, attention, or conversation.

He's always been independent, but he used to R with me too, and be affectionate, and talk. A few years ago, sex was "light" for him at a few times a week. He told me he just doesn't need it that often anymore, that he's stressed with daily busyness and work and kids, and this time will pass. I've talked w him about everything here, multiple times over the last 2 years. He says this time is just a season, oldest will move on from his coaching, then he'll coach the youngest, then it will be over and we will have all the time in the world for each other. We have not been on a family vacation or a couples vacation in years. It's all about sports teams, which I consider obligations, and he considers "vacation." Without me.

We got into a big fight the other night and I told him to just be independent on his own and move out if that's what he wants. He was so sad and just asked me "you'd throw in the towel over something so minor?" No, I wouldn't, but I want him to take our M seriously and make me a priority. He says he loves me so much and always puts our family first, before everything. Many other families on the team travel separately so he doesn't see the problem. I apologized for saying that. I was very angry after he told me that "everything is your way." He forgave me but his solution is that we both need to "not get so stressed." He says he will try harder to talk w me and give me more time.

He still went to his lunchtime R, skipped once to meet a friend for lunch in town (a guy he does business w sometimes). He would never consider skipping this R for a hike or workout w me. He does talk to me more before bed, for 15 min. To him, that's meeting my needs. It's not enough. He's going out of town today to take son to tournament.

I know you all will highlight the single mom on team, but I can assure you, there is nothing going on other than they talk sometimes during the games. She's loud, talkative, and he's nice. That's truly it. But it still bothers me that he would be nicer to other women than to me. When I do join in R at his lunchtime spot, he will often look past me or interrupt what I'm saying to say hi to another woman he knows in the group class. It isn't that he is having EAs, it's like he just takes me for granted. He's just as nice to the dads on the team and spends more time w then than me in those situations.

We went on another weeklong tournament recently together as a family, and he spent the entire time with the other dads. But then, the other dads behaved the same way. And he kept both kids up till midnight every night, despite my asking to have them back so we could all go to bed in our hotel room together earlier.

Thoughts? Thank you.

You need to snoop.

I have access to his phone, pw, email. He's not doing anything inappropriate. He is taking me for granted. He's either in his office (works alone), at lunchtime R, or coaching our son's teams.

Your husband frequently spend nights away. Your marriage is high risk for an affair, especially when you consider that he isnt interested in sex with you.

Does he have a work phone, email,et? Do you have access to paystubs and bank records? Social media?

Also, his activities with other women are already inappropriate even if he hasnt had an affair yet. He was flirting with them and ignoring you. He is cutting you out of his group of friends.

I had access to all those things too. Doesn't mean a thing. If the people here say you need to snoop, trust them and snoop. The worst (or best) thing that can happen with snooping is that you discover he really isn't doing anything inappropriate and you gain peace of mind that an affair is not the issue.

Welcome to MB.

If you've "read all of Dr Harley's articles", then you've already read what to do. It's time to Call it quits. Follow the steps in that article.

1. "The first step, as I mentioned earlier, should be to express your need clearly without demands, disrespect, or anger. Invite your husband to complete the Emotional Needs Questionnaire with you that can be copied from the Questionnaires section of the Marriage Builders� website. After you have each described your most important emotional needs, the book ,"His Needs, Her Needs," will help you learn to meet those needs for each other. The accompanying workbook, "Five Steps to Romantic Love," provides worksheets that will help you both implement a plan to turn need -- fulfilling behavior into habits.

This first step may solve your problem."

If it doesn't solve your problem,

2. "the next step I recommend is very controversial, but when you compare it to the alternatives, it makes the most sense. It has two parts. I call one part plan A, and the other plan B. These two parts are to be executed sequentially -- plan A is first, followed by plan B."

In Plan A you meet his needs - but not unconditionally. The condition is that he will meet yours within a short period of time - about a month. If he does not do that, you separate without warning. You need to spend time panning your separation so that you are not left without anywhere to live, or without money, so that you are forced to return to your husband. You plan for Plan B while you execute Plan A.

"After a month had passed, when Ken returned home from work, there was a note on the kitchen table from Ellen. She explained that she loved him, and wanted their marriage to be successful. But because the relationship was one -- sided, with she doing all the giving, and he doing all the taking, she decided that it was time to do something about it. If he wanted to talk with her, she could be reached on her cell phone.

I had explained to Ellen how her husband would probably react at first: He would throw a fit. And that's precisely what happened. He told her that he was filing for divorce, and that she was now on her own. I also predicted what might happen next: After he had a chance to cool off, he'd want to have sex with her. That also happened right on schedule after two weeks had passed. My advice to her was that she should agree to it only after he saw a counselor with her that would take them through "His Needs, Her Needs." Since her husband hated me after he learned that I was the architect of this plan, I suggested that she find a local counselor who was familiar with my books and methods, which she did."

You have a perfect blueprint in that article. Don't settle for less than getting your needs met fully within your marriage, and getting them met NOW - not when the kids grow up.

Edited, just read news posts here, thanks so much.

Honey, THIS is how affairs start. Your husband has VERY POOR boundaries around women, and if he's not in an affair already, he's headed for one.

His behavior around other women is very inappropriate, and it sends up all kinds of red flags.

Do I understand correctly that he travels for your sons games without you?

Sugar Cane, thank you very much. I know what I need to do, and yes, I've read that article multiple times, but hearing you tell me it applies here was what I needed.

I will start w the first step this weekend to have ready when he comes home. We actually did this step a year ago, and he went along, but it didn't stick. His biggest ENs are admiration, DS, and SF, but not very often. Mine are financial support, affection, and conversation. I rates attractiveness as somewhat high, and he criticized me for that! Strange, since he is attractive, and very fit. I am too, but I know he loves me more because he finds me sweet (and I was sweeter in previous years than I am now, I know that's part of the problem).

Anyways, thanks for validating my feelings and seeing my perspective. I will go over the materials with him again in hopes that he will join and read the book/workbook w me.

Him touching her is something, not nothing. Having opposite sex friends is the way affairs start.

Yes, he does travel without me, prefers that I not go because he doesn't want to negotiate bedtimes/meals. We went on another weeklong tournament recently and he spent the entire time w the other dads. I spent a day w the other moms, then went to a more private pool at the resort in between games and he said the pool was too small, not enough action, so he left me there to go rejoin the other dads. This was our only family vacation since last summer, when he didn't spend any time w me there either.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate this- I was feeling so needy, and I know H thinks my expectations are too high. Many other parents do tournaments separately. But I'm really hurt, and I know there is a reason.

Markos, I agree. Thanks for your perspective.

This is another huge red flag. He travels to games without you, with other moms he considers friends, and he prefers you to not come along.

Please read these links:

How do Affairs Begin?

Anatomy of Adultery

chapter 13 of His Needs, Her Needs

Yes, he does. But Prisca, he really doesn't want to negotiate w me, that's why he doesn't want me there. He wants to live independently within our marriage. He has been like this for years, but at least he used to make more of an effort to do things with me for my sake. He used to go surf for 3 hours a day, or go out with the guys a lot. He never had an affair.

Now it's all about team sports and his lunchtime R, where he gets admiration. He trains with a guy who's a big name surfer whom he admires. They are both surrounded by lots of women and both M. His wife goes too, like me. It's accepted in this community. I'm not making excuses, just trying to point out our challenges. I'm not ok with this- he sees me as being unreasonable since everyone else is ok with separating for tournaments (there are a lot of them), and doing R with other women friends.

He demands freedom, within the context of not breaking our M vows. If I try to impose on that, he will resent me. He already is.

He's having an affair now, Kat. He's not keeping vows. He's not loving you above all others and forsaking all others.

Taking trips with other women when you are married is an affair. If I had a son-in-law do that I'd help my daughter change the locks while he was gone. If one of my sons did that I'd help my daughter-in-law change the locks while he was gone.

Tell him that being married to you has certain requirements.

And this is the exact kind of lifestyle that leads to affairs. His attitude about marriage is the exact kind of attitude that leads to affairs. None of what you said has taken away the red flags. He is behaving like a man who is having an affair NOW.

So? How is that even remotely a concern compared to the pain he is causing you?

Did you read somewhere in Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts that you are supposed to avoid making your husband feel resentment, ever?

Markos, and Prisca, ok that is the issue. I do want to be loved above all others. You're both right and I appreciate your insight.

Markos, you'd advise your daughter to do that if her husband were taking their son to travel games without wanting her there? He's not going with other women to join them, but they are there too. How should I explain the hurtfulness in this situation? That our son shouldn't be doing travel sports if it doesn't accommodate out entire family? That's how I feel. But he will not be ok with that. In fact, we will be doing this again with our next child. Do I have the right to tell him I don't support this activity? Even if it means our son misses out? My H will never see my side of this. We are surrounded by other families doing this very thing.

You have every right. In fact, you have an obligation, because your son's whole world depends upon your marriage. If your marriage crumbles, then his world crumbles. His parents having a healthy, loving, romantic marriage is far more important than the experience of travelling for a game.