Also, QUIETLY snoop.

Show up at this weekends tournament un-announced.

If you can slip some spyware onto his phone or a Voice Activated Recorder in to his car, do.

Kat- i snooped and my husband wasn't having an affair - yet. But our marriage - and my H's lifestyle -had to under go drastic changes. We no longer associate with the people we knew before. Opposite sex friendships WILL kill your marriage if allowed to continue.

Yes, I understand apples. I know in my gut that he's not having an A. But I also know this is not the right path and we need to change course to move forward together.

Joyce emailed me back right away and is scheduling a day next week for Dr. Harley to call me and have me on the show. I need to know how to approach my H w this info. If I make any demands or get angry, he will not listen. He will minimize the issue and ask why when I tell him I'd like him to no longer go to R class. They just left for weekend tourney and this is the last away T for the season. Next one is local, but he will also balk at my requests to lunch together in between games or even consider me in the equation.

For the record, we (other child and me) were told we could "join if we want" but after last time it wasn't something I wanted to do (he would insist on letting both children stay up until midnight and eat junk food). I know he didn't want us (me) to come and other son has a local game that H wouldn't want him to miss.

Also should add that at any game we are at together, he has no interest in watching w me. He assists in coaching now but even when he's not during other son's game, he does not watch or stand near me. He talks to everyone else and walks around at different position points.

He just doesn't need the connection to me. At all. He says he loves me but is very independent. He doesn't talk to me about work, has always had his own group of guy friends from high school who do guys trips and guys' leagues. He was established before we met. I honestly think it's that he just doesn't need me, other than to provide DS and children. And previously sex, which now he doesn't need as much (he's 45). He's fine vacationing without me. He used to do guy trips a lot but even then, he'd also do trips w me. Now it's just the sports trips.

I can't tell you how many times people come here and say that, and how every time they are wrong.

You can't trust your gut on this. You'll only be able to rule out an affair if you snoop.

You need to snoop. Do not ask him. You have right to know what is happening in your own life.

Do you have access to all the accounts?

Start with the bank/credit cards, then cell phone bills, emails, etc.

Prisca is right. I would never have believed my husband had lied to me until I saw the evidence myself.

Ma'am, men don't stop wanting sex at 45. No matter how much their wives wish that were the case.

You honestly think? You are honestly trying to fool yourself, which is very, very dangerous.

I've looked through his phone. The only thing I saw that bothered me was he texted our son that he was playing at the blackjack table on their last tourney. So he gambled without telling me and in front of our son. This is the IB stuff I mean.

Nothing anywhere else but I'll look more.

Except when they are overwhelmed, which in his case may be true. He's running two teams, difficult son, ticked off wife, and he practices strenuous physical release daily.

But I admit I do not get men at all so I'll take your point.

But he's away from you overnight with other moms. THAT'S where you'd find his affair, not on his phone.

That doesn't describe the male sex drive at all.
Women think: "I'm overwhelmed, of course I don't want sex."
Men think: "I'm overwhelmed, but at least I got to have sex!"
A man's sex drive is not driven by his emotions. If he doesn't want sex, something else is going on. Either he has low testosterone, he's having an affair, or he's masturbating (probably to porn).

Start with finding out if it's an affair, because that's the most damaging possibility (as well as the most likely).

He's overwhelmed by all the women he's running around with, yes.

He's not overwhelmed by his reasonably upset wife. That's just gaslighting, a technique to make you think you are at fault when you aren't.

How did you not know about the gambling? Do you not share finances?

Also, he could be using an app which would not show up on the records.

You realize you are being treated like an unruly employee he can't fire, right? Like a nanny or housekeeper who is stepping out of line.

I agree, he sounds like a fit guy running around to meet chicks.

Ok, I will begin investigating. I know there is plenty of info here on how to do that.

Would a man who prioritized his children really do that with their son in tow? In a situation where all but one is married too? And that one who is single shares custody so she's not at every T. And why, when he has a loving wife at home who is begging him to spend time with her?

I hear that I could be way off base, but to me the issue in our M is that he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong with his IB. He thinks that because other men have female friends, including his mentor, I'm the one with the issue, not him. And, because other families "divide" for their children's travel sports and put their children first, I'm the one with the issue. Because other kids are fine eating fruit loops before playing back to back games in 115 degree weather, and drinking coke at 6pm and staying up until midnight every night, I'm the one with the issue.

Interesting take, and this hits the nail on the head. Yes, he is acting like that. I actually told him the other night that I'm more than the nanny, cook, cleaner, and errand-runner. He told me that he will make changes by giving me more time because he wants me to be happy and he wants to take great care of me. To him, the marriage is almost perfect. He said just a few minor tweaks, that I want more affection, conversation, romance than he needs and he will try to give that to me.

Why? Because he can. Your lifestyle is conducive to an affair, as are those who he is hanging around with.

Do you have access to the bank accounts?

We share finances and all account are in my name too. He owned our home before we were married and put me on the title to build my own credit (I'd recently graduated college when we married). But I don't check bank statements. He does the bill paying, my choice since I didn't want another chore and he has a quiet office to handle all of that, where I've had little ones underfoot, until recently (they are older now).