What triggers her?

I will take your advice and never use nagging again. You are right...

The control issue is something she acknowledges. I am hoping the counselor addresses this. I will see if she will join the discussion.

First, I want to write her a letter to thank her for being a hero.

Can you give a specific example? Most people are very confused about what it means to "control."

One instance is when my wife wanted me to call my mom. She reminded me every 5 minutes for an hour 5 pm - 6 pm. I told her I would call my mom after dinner. I had a headache from work and needed 30 minutes to meditate and gather my thoughts (I work with inner city students/alot of baggage). She would not stop lecturing me about calling my mom. During dinner, she would not talk to me and had a nasty attitude with my boy's and I at the dinner table. After dinner, I cleaned the table off and called my mom. My wife ignored me the rest of the evening.

Thanks for the example. I agree that is an example of control. The solution we give in this program is the policy of joint agreement, never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse. We would coach her to ask you, "how would you feel about calling your mother?" Then you would negotiate something that would make you both happy. The default position is to do nothing until an agreement is reached.

Another important rule is to avoid SACRIFICE. That means you don't agree to do things that make you unhappy just to satisfy her. That practice is devastating to marriages because it causes resentment and incompatibility.

In Dr. Harley's world, you did the right thing by not giving into her demands.

Wow!!! I have been doing this for a long time. My wife does with my boy's and I daily. This is what we use to label nagging. It is almost like an adult tantrum.

Ok, but there is a huge difference between you and your boys. Of course, a parent is supposed to control their children. But a spouse should not be trying to control her spouse. You and your wife are equals; not so with the kids.

And I hope you remove the term "nagging" from your vocabulary. That truly is disrespectful. Yes, she does try to control you. I agree. Her behavior would be described here: Selfish demands

Your sons are boys in her household. She has every right to tell them what to do and expect to be obeyed.

I agree...but after teaching for 20 years, I acknowledge how the concept of an "emotional bank" applies to everyone I interact with. Yes, my boy's and student's respect me because I am male/authority figure. However, I deposit into their "emotional banks" daily. I didn't say this to my wife, but she is making daily withdrawals with my boy's.

I took a risk this morning and gave my wife the marriagebuilders emotional needs questionaire. She said she would fill it out (there was a sigh in between her response). Then, she started filling it out and stopped after 20 minutes.
She said she needed to take a break from it and went grocery shopping.

I am not denying they are her boy's. She can tell them what to do. But, If you try to control kid's or people, they will rebel.

I am just trying to figure out what she needs from me and how to make deposits. Her emontional account is deep into the negative...

We spent too many years building up resentment and making withdrawals. One day, I hope to just get out of the negative balance.

What you are saying here is that yours is a superior perspective and she should do things your way - a huge lovebuster. I would avoid that approach because it is disrespectful and bad for your marriage. A better approach is for you both to use the policy of joint agreement and come to mutual decisions when it comes to parenting. You both have wisdom that can be called upon to help you make better decisions. You can make each other better parents. But I would not dismiss her perspective in this way, because it harms your marriage, which is not in your son's best interest. It is a lovebuster.


Do you have the book Lovebusters? That is where I would start if I were you. You are both committing lovebusters and until you eliminate those, you aren't going to make any lovebank deposits.

The other critical step will be the policy of undivided attention, which is the basis for creating romantic love. In order to CREATE romantic love, you should be meeting each others INTIMATE emotional needs 20-25 hours per week. [it takes 15 hours per week to sustain] The emotional needs that should be focused on now are the intimate emotional needs of affection, conversation, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship. Those needs should be met in 5 - 4 hour dates per week.

Are you familiar with the policy of undivided attention?

She needs you to stop lovebusters and start meeting her intimate emotional needs of affection and conversation in 20-25 hours of UA per week.

check this out: How to Deal with a Quarrelsome and Nagging Wife

And read this in relation to your comment about your superior perspective about dealing with teens:

When you read Lovebusters, you will see that Dr. Harley explains all of the various ways we hurt our spouses.

So, in the plan for discipline, did your wife agree with you that your "talking to" your boys when they don't cooperate is a solution to the problem?

I really dislike reading this thread.

You came here, in your first post, under the guise of finding out what you can do to repair the harm you did to your marriage with your years of drinking. What you've done since then, however, is make nasty comments about your wife, and tried to persuade us that she is in fact a bit of a monster, while your only fault is to do your best: "She said she would fill it out (there was a sigh in between her response") - the miserable cow.

You've put her through hell for a number of years. No wonder she sighed. You need not to focus on the sigh in your posts, but on your love busters, which are immense.

You make daily deposits with your boys (not "boy's") and your parenting is so impeccable that they respect you. She, however, makes daily withdrawals. She does all the things we mothers do, and that is all you can say about her parenting.

Really.

Actually, people will usually respect a strong boundary.

Have you ever contradicted your wife's house rules in front of your son?

Also, you aren't as good a disciplinarian as you think, especially when you were drinking still. Alcoholics are terrible parents. They tend to over or under-discipline their children.

I know. From whose example did these boys learn violating/ignoring their mother's boundaries was acceptable?