|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
Huge relief to me but he will see this as a selfish demand, a way for me to control him. For it to be a selfish demand, you will need to be telling him to DO something. It is not a selfish demand for you to insist that you are not enthusiastic about something, and therefore he doesn't get to do it -- this is just basic consideration. Him continuing his R class when you are not enthusiastic is the selfish demand.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
All outside recreational activities will need to cease. His only recreational activities will need to be with you. And whatever ya'll choose to do together, it cannot include whatever this R class is. The R class is off the table. Huge relief to me but he will see this as a selfish demand, a way for me to control him. I need to show him MB so he knows this is not just my trying to control him. There is a reason. Actually, he is controlling you by FORCING you to endure his thoughtless behavior. Asking him to stop being thoughtless and hurtful is NOT "controlling." People with independent behavior always play the "control" card when their IB is addressed. Control means to force someone to DO or ENDURE something against their will. It doesn't mean asking someone to STOP doing something. You are getting great advice from Prisca!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
I'll tell him that it's time I set the bar higher in our M for the sake of our family. No, don't tell him this. This is not what HE needs to learn - it's what you need to learn! Don't waste any breath trying to convince him that you are doing the right thing. Just do it, anyway. Be a little bit bullheaded, be someone who can't be reasoned with, someone who isn't going to change her mind. You aren't going to put up with anything less than a real MARRIAGE.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842 |
Plan A also involves being an attractive mate. Make sure you look nice and smell good when he gets home.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842 |
And dont even mention separation.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 284
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 284 |
After reading these new posts, I am now going to rip up the letter and start over. Thanks so much to you all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 284
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 284 |
Plan A also involves being an attractive mate. Make sure you look nice and smell good when he gets home. I do this every single day. I get no compliments, no encouragement, nothing. I eat well and exercise and get dressed up to go out on date nights, when they actually occur, and I get nothing.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842 |
Plan A also involves being an attractive mate. Make sure you look nice and smell good when he gets home. I do this every single day. I get no compliments, no encouragement, nothing. I eat well and exercise and get dressed up to go out on date nights, when they actually occur, and I get nothing. Good job keeping it up.
Last edited by apples123; 05/15/16 04:06 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 284
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 284 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
Just skimmed through this thread...You're getting great advice.
Something you said that bothered me, you seem to think your H is at less risk for an affair because the women he hangs out with "are all married" "only one is single."
That does NOT make your M more safe from an affair, not even a little bit. Plesae get that thought out of your head immediately and never let it mitigate risk again into the future.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
Another thing that stuck out at me...
You suggested that your H was somehow less at risk for an A since he is so focused on this sport for your son - his world revolves around etc.
Same thing as the last post - that's not a mitigating factor.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
He meets women and talks to them after class. When I met up w him once a week, he was very distant w me, like I was imposing on "his" time. It was very weird. He's introduced me to women after the class whom he talks to and it is always uncomfortable. Like everyone else keeps saying... Big red flag. If your snooping does not uncover an affair, I would be willing to bet money he has developed feeings and/or is very close to the line with one of the women from this class, Kat.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842 |
I think she should hire a PI to follow him this week. These women were uncomfortable because they know something
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 284
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 284 |
He meets women and talks to them after class. When I met up w him once a week, he was very distant w me, like I was imposing on "his" time. It was very weird. He's introduced me to women after the class whom he talks to and it is always uncomfortable. Like everyone else keeps saying... Big red flag. If your snooping does not uncover an affair, I would be willing to bet money he has developed feeings and/or is very close to the line with one of the women from this class, Kat. I think this is far more likely than not and it scares me. But it still doesn't fully add up for me. He tells me which place he goes to, and it rotates depending on instructor. I know the 4 different instructors pretty well and it's fine. It's awkward with the ones I don't know, like they enjoy his company and realize it's not appropriate when I'm there in front of them.
Last edited by Kat37; 05/15/16 05:58 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842 |
It's not appropriate PERIOD. Also how are you to know that isn't sneaking out with one of these women part way through class or skipping some days? Part of me thinks you should talk to Dr. Harley before moving forward with your letter.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 284
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 284 |
Agreed. I'll do whatever Dr. H recommends. But apples, I've already blown the cover on my suspicions. Last weekend (before posting here) I asked if he has feelings for someone else. He said no.
But the behavior is off. And at the rec activity it feels way off. But I have decided to go last min at times or plan to join him and have had our son in waiting area on devices.
But usually a woman will say hi to him not knowing we are together then look surprised when they see me. He introduced our son to one and she still didn't know I was w him while I was putting something away nearby and she talked to my son, asking him if he was hanging out w his dad that day. Then she looked surprised to meet me a few min later.
But this all makes ME sound crazy and paranoid.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 284
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 284 |
I'm going crazy here. Lots of red flags, no sex or affection, or much time or conversation, and irritable w me on our few sporadic date nights.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 284
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 284 |
And I've already made it clear I will I longer accept his going.
I've gotta say that I'm not any happier about that right now. He can stop all of this behavior and I'm more hurt and upset than ever knowing that all this time he's been so thoughtless, and inappropriate.
Last edited by Kat37; 05/15/16 06:26 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 64
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 64 |
you are not crazy! and what you are feeling as paranoia is your gut telling you something IS off. Don't ignore that, and remember that whatever you ultimately discover, it is better than living in the dark knowing something is off.
Last edited by doesnt_want_meFL; 05/15/16 06:43 PM.
BW - 32
WH - 46
D day 3/27/16
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
But this all makes ME sound crazy and paranoid. It sounds perfectly rational to me.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
1 members (SilverMG),
574
guests, and
69
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,618
Posts2,323,473
Members71,917
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
