What would you be doing on these date nights together? How long would they take?

I really wouldn't worry about this. It sounds like possibly he'd rather go to lunch with you.

Ok, but then lunchtime hikes are out.

Back to drawing board. And shopping for snoop options (VAR).

Dinner has been the norm, which we both enjoy doing, but we've been so disconnected it has usually ended abruptly after hurt feelings. So far it takes 2 hours but we did get tea afterward once and enjoyed that so we can do that to stretch it out.

He resists my scheduling him, holding him to specific time periods/slots. He views it as being controlled. How should I address this Prisca? I want to give him a chance here. I know he wants to be happy w me and he told me several times how much he enjoys being around me on our hike today.

Do them anyway if you both enjoy them! Just understand you do need bigger chunks of time planned and not just a few minutes and a lunchtime here and there. A few minutes and a lunchtime here and there are great ADDITIONS to a lifestyle of big chunks of time together.

You don't schedule him. The two of you should work on the schedule, together.

Prisca, what if he wants to let it happen naturally?

How is that possible with work, children and sports coaching schedule? When I make plans with a friend for lunch for instance I need to know AT LEAST a week in advance so that I can schedule it.

What are we missing? Do you have a nanny on standby so you can take of for a few hours at the drop of a hat?

Nope. Our oldest babysits our younger son when we go out. So we have been going last minute when it fits in, and that needs to change, because like you said, everything else gets scheduled first and then I'm left with no time with my H. I need to be more assertive in being a priority for him. I need to figure out how to do this without demanding that he make a schedule with me.

That's not going to work, so tell him you are not willing to accept that.

How are your separation plans going? To summarize what needs to happen here:

1. prepare for a separation
2. give him a chance to do what needs to be done here
3. separate if he doesn't

He might give all sorts of reasons for not doing what needs to be done here, but save your breath and don't waste time trying to persuade him. The important thing is that you are going to insist that in order to be with you, he is going to have to do these things that any man needs to do in order to have a happy wife.

Let's not waste any time, because you need to get this going as soon as possible. Instead of you taking time to figure it out, let us tell you. Here's what you need to do:

Tell him you need him to schedule at least fifteen hours a week with you. This is what EVERY wife needs. If he gives some reason he doesn't want to do that, simply say "that's not going to work." Meanwhile, get those separation plans going. Don't mention separation to him. Just stay on point that you need these things, in short, simple conversations that don't involve you trying to persuade him or debate with him.

You are right. I guess I'm stuck on how to prepare for separation. Now it feels very scary because he is willing to try but it's not enough.

I need to figure out how to prepare for separation as a stay at home mom. Has anyone else here been there, done that? My thinking is that we have savings to cover a separation for a year. Do I plan to use that? And how do I talk to a lawyer without my H knowing? Anyone have resources for this?

Thank you for this- I know I need to do this. Text him now or tell him today when we meet? I want to be pleasant but I honestly don't know how to say this without sounding confrontational or demanding. He's thinking, I'm no longer going to yoga because she asked me to stop. I'm meeting her to do activities with her. I love her. What more does she want?

Kat I hope you realize the point of my post was that we all KNOW your H's plan to "let it happen naturally" won't work. It hasn't worked and he knows this.

It's another form of gaslighting you basically, to feel like you are being "controlling" when you are NOT.

SusieQ, understood. I did not have a chance to ask him to sit down and figure out how to schedule 15 hours of UA time with me. All I did was brainstorm with him on our hike ways we can spend more time together, and we came up with a plan to hike more during lunch time, and go on two dates a week, and not use iPhones in morning.

So if he disagrees that we need 15 hours of UA time scheduled, it's not worth negotiating or explaining. This is hard for me...I feel like our M is worth at least explaining why this is important to me.

Dr Harley refrains from working with couples who are not committed to scheduling 15 hours a week of UA time, simply because it is such a key element to his plan. Without spending adequate time together meeting the 4 intimate needs, you will not stay in romantic love, it is just that simple. That is the goal to the MB program, and it sounds like it is your goal too, so it is not a step that can be overlooked.

I hope you don't misinterpret Dr Harley's advice to become an expert in negotiating to mean that you can somehow convince your H to do things that he's simply unwilling to do.

If he said he wants to have date nights with you weekly, it is should be easy to discuss scheduling it. A 12 year old would understand that concept. Where things become complicated is when you start going down the path of "well if I can just get him to understand A, B C or D, he will get on board".

I think all you can do is (using the principles of good conversation/negotiation - without using lovebusters) is ask him to schedule the time with you and let you know it's something that is important to you and your marriage. It's really that simple.

If he won't do it, well, then I think this is why Dr Harley told you that you need to start planning for a separation.

Thanks SusieQ and unwritten for helping me understand that I don't need to sell him on MB. I just need him to know that scheduling 15 hours/week is important to me and our M. It's up to him if he wants to do it with me or not. If not, need to separate. And plan now in case he can only do it for a short time.

Your marriage is worth insisting that you need this to happen. Your marriage is worth going for broke and saying that if you can't have what you need you are not going to settle for less and you are going to separate and wait for him to decide if he is willing to do what it takes or not.

It is important to be ready to separate sooner rather than later because you are still willing to work on your marriage.

Quite frankly, I believe the world would be a better place if EVERY wife insisted that her husband give her the time and attention that are needed for her emotional needs to be met. We would have better children in the world, we would have better, happier men in the world, and we would certainly have happier, healthier, and more accomplished women. Marriage is not helped by so many men being able to say they don't think this is necessary - but sadly, only about 20% of marriages do what it takes to stay happily married for life. Most people don't know what it takes to have a good marriage. Yet people do better at all of their goals in life if only this most important goal - a good marriage - is met.