The point is so you will know if the affair is still active. If the affair is still active, you need to be applying pressure on her to end it. You ARE married!! Your chances of recovery are all dependent upon her ending the affair. Last I checked in your state, it was illegal to commit adultery.

AS her husband, you have a right and a need to know everything she does.


Good idea!

Do you have still have a VAR placed in your home so you can listen to her talk on the phone? Knowing her plans will help you immensely. For example, there is typically fighting in affairs. If that is happening, you can step in at opportune times and look like the golden boy. It is always good to know what your enemy is doing. [enemy=affair]

Yes var is in place. Funny thing is I never heard her talk on the phone with the OM. I believe they were texting using an app. But now that she has a new phone she may be tempted to talk now. Good advice as always.

I would plant a VAR in her car also if you haven't already.

I can't she hides the keys. I already know the affair and exposed it; it appears a divorce is what she desires, I'm holding out being loving so one day she come around. Sooner than later I hope.

BUT, you still need to spy and find out what she is doing. Is the affair still active? If so, you need to address that. Just because you discovered the affair does not mean you stop fighting it.

Plan A means doing everything in your power to kill the affair.

I hear yeah; maybe that's why she got another phone I don't know. All I know is emotionally I'm a wreck but I don't show her that. This morning I said good morning babe; she said what? I said good morning babe. She said don't call me that. I then said how did you sleep she said terrible; i said I'm sorry to hear that; what are your plans for today; she said I don't know.

Well I have to work the afternoon shift, and I know she has to get her report cards done but there is no way for me to contact her while I'm at work anymore so this is an awkward situation for me.

Gps isn't fully charged to install on her vehicle yet.

Can you speak to your boss about getting on the day shift?

Today she said it's over I just want to be alone I don't want anything to do with you anymore and it has nothing to do with the affair and I was just trying to talk to her about our relationship. I also said can you prove to me that the affair is over with because I getting a new phone in changing all your passwords that doesn't ring with what you're saying . She said no I don't have to. I'm uncomfortable in my own house and I don't want to talk to you that's why I leave and go to my parents.

She said why can't you just let it go and I said because I care for you I love you and I'm sorry about my part in all of this not showing you your emotional needs I just want my wife back that loving funny best friend I have .

She said that woman is gone and then she left to go over to her parents house for dinner . So when she left I said goodbye and I hope we can talk soon

STOP TALKING about your relationship and start wooing her back. You shouldn't be having these discussions. Try to make small talk with her, leave her notes and gifts.


nononno!! Stop trying to have "TALKS." Just think about how you would behave if you were trying to get to know some woman at work... Would you jump all over her with "relationship talks" or would you to try to win her over?

Don't ask her anymore if she is still having an affair. Don't ask her to prove anything. Quietly SPY on her and find out. When you find she is in contact, tell her how much the affair hurts you and ask her to end all contact.

I'm not trying to do any love busters but it seems talking to her is annoying her
She said we're roommates there's no romantic connection anymore so there's nothing to talk about

She is going to be annoyed, but she is going to run for her life if you keep bringing up your relationship and asking her to "prove" she is not in contact!! Just think, it was a few short days ago you blew up and threw away her balloons!!


WE KNOW THIS!! So start slow and be creative in your communications. Try to do some nice things for her. For example, make a dinner you know she likes. Plan it so you are cooking when she comes in. Ask her if she would like a plate. She will tell you to go to hell, but after awhile she will thaw out. You have to be consistent and STOP being so unpleasant!

Just think of turtle. The turtle keeps his head in the shell when he is threatened. When he thinks the threat has lessened, he pokes his head out every once in a while to test the waters. If it is safe, pretty soon he sticks it out more and more. You just have to be consistent and be PERFECT every time you see her.

She threw her own balloons and cards out; I said I was going to throw out her flowers but I didn't; they are back on the table. I understand what you are saying in playing it cool.

So talking to her - she thinks that's unpleasant. I'll just have to leave notes and communicate through that. She does not wish to spend any time together. She said today no dinner, no movies, no walks; I just want you to leave me alone and I want to be alone. I feel we are just roommate for the time being; and I don't know why you are holding up this divorce...

SO, when you are home, try to have small talk with her. Stop doing the same things and be more creative.

LMG,
This isn't going to get fixed overnight. It's a process and it takes time, sometimes a very long time. Look at Sue and John's saga in SAA.

Stop talking about the affair. Stop talking about the status of the relationship. Get yourself into courtship mode. That doesn't mean flowers every day, but it does mean being thoughtful, kind, charming, dapper, upbeat, and positive each day. This is a war not a battle, and it will take for time for her to believe that you are changed man. And as long as the affair is going on, your love bank deposits will be neutralized. That's why its important to keep fighting to kill the affair.

Think back to when you first started courting your wife. How did you act? Fast forward to now. Will pressuring with relationship talk help? No. She is in a fog so I guarantee you it won't.

So your plan should be to continue battling the affair like your friend Wifedivorcing did. And continue to make love bank deposits by meeting the emotional needs you know she has and by being the best suitor you can possibly be without pressing her too hard. Play it cool and don't act desperate and avoid being suffocating, but at the same time be thoughtful, warm, funny, and caring.

Thank you for your insight.

I don't think I pressuring with relationship talk; I'm just trying to have normal meaningful conversations like how was your day, what do you have planned for today. How's you mom doing. What type of groceries would you like me to pick up?

But all this stuff seems to just irritate her; she reiterated stop with the questions I don't want to have small talk. I don't know why you are holding the divorce up. Just let me go.

Okay everyone, here's an update. Sunday 15th, 2016 I arrived home from work a little after midnight (12:16 ish)

My WS wrote me a note and left it on the counter. this is the note verbatim.

"husband,

I am sorry that you are hurting and for that I trully am. I don't have to prove anything to you, I have to prove to God only for my forgiveness. We are not husband and wife as far as I am concerned, and we won't be once we are divorced. You need to work on yourself and I the same. I'm done, you can't force me. I will always find something to do with my family or friends, or go out to Deedy's on the days we are both off. We are done doing things together. I want peace and I don't need any relationship
We can be civil though this whole thing!!! I want that but I'm not ready for no talk right now."

She was already in bed and the door bedroom door locked. I was thinking of just leaving a note saying a simple thank you for your note.

shall I or leave it be.

I wrote a reply which is kind and customary;

(Wife's name)

Thank you for the letter you left me, I would like to write more, but had a rough day and I am exhausted. I hope you slept well and have an outstanding day (smiley face) with love (my name)

Have a questions with some do's and dont's. That me wonderful posted in noteable posts.



OK...the list of Do's and Don'ts.

Do's
1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone and/or ability to logically carry on a conversation. Their mind is elsewhere so you are just trying to keep them in the present.
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, new cologne, shower gel, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tomorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed (it may be hard to imagine this but YOU will make it regardless whereas without you, your spouse won't)
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea and is usually a waste of time anyway unless it's with the Harley's or a counselor that uses MB materials)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP

On #6 do- expand social relationships (friends) I know I should spend a lot of time with WS but if she decided to leave to do something I would like to go over a friends house do I tell her that or keep her wondering? Sometimes wondering may make her think what I am doing and cause her to think of me; although I would like to tell her where I go she doesn't tell me where she goes. My friend wife divorcing said his wife would think of him and where he went when he wouldn't tell her; but I know every situation is different; jealousy of not knowing where the other is may spark interest in thinking of the other and start conversation when then other spouse returns home. Any thoughts.

Don't try to make her jealous. That is a HUGE TURN OFF to women. If she is home, I would plan to be there with her.

You really need to be on the day shift to move this forward. Any progress on that front? Being on the night shift just promotes your independent lifestyles. Can't you go to your boss and tell him about your situation and ask for his help?