It will not hurt your marriage for him to know this. Often times, this is what it takes for a husband to start taking the wife seriously.

These tourneys are planned events, are they not? He DOES schedule, he just doesn't want to schedule with you and have to take you into account. Classic IB.

That's going to have to change if he wants a good marriage with you.

It certainly sounds like he can do what you need. So just keep letting him know when and how he misses the mark, and watching to see if he does what you need or makes excuses. At the same time, keep making plans for a possible separation. If it turns out later the plans aren't needed, that's great, but in the meantime, don't stop them.

It is VERY important that you let him know when he misses the mark, ESPECIALLY if he really is trying. He can't read your mind, and he doesn't think like you do. So what may seem obvious to you, he'll never even imagine. If he really does want to change things, then he needs to know when he misses the mark.

Ok, and thanks to both of you for talking me through this. I'll print out the UA and ask him to schedule with me before we go out tonight.

And I'll make a list of what I need to do if the next 3 weeks don't continue with him trying. I know he will try, but I also know he doesn't understand and needs to be open to hearing me and what we need to have a better marriage.

So on our hike today I said I'd like us to make a plan to schedule at least 15 hours of alone time together a week, then talk about adding other activities.

"Uh huh." Was his response. And that was it.

He's since texted me that it was a great hike/lunch together, he loves me, hugs and kisses (virtual).

WHY is this so hard? It's like he wants me to start an argument. But then he sends me sweet texts. And when we said goodbye he told me he was so excited to go on our date tonight.

Oh, and he's not planning to go back to R class. He said he's cancelling the membership to the main place he goes since he doesn't need it anymore.

Gently keep bringing up UA time until it is priority #1. If there are no concerted efforts to back up his words, separate.

Radio Clip of Kat37's Show
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

He scheduled 15 hours for the week using the UA worksheet. Thank you all so much for your help here. I'm feeling very positive about our M going forward and I wouldn't have figured this all out on my own. This forum and Dr H have been a great resource for me and I look forward to checking in here going forward.

Thank you all again for the help.

ETA: Will continue listening to the radio show daily- another great resource.

Go Kat! Wahoo!

Kat, do you have an update? Are ya'll sticking to the UA schedule? How is the family commitment time? How is his IB?

Hi Prisca! Thanks for asking. And thanks DQ for the encouragement.

Things are going great. My H and I sat down with the UA worksheet and scheduled 15 hours together, and came up with ideas for family time too (though we did not plan out 15 hours for FT, we got a lot of that in too with plans for more, it was really fun too, bowling and brunch). I'm very happy with how it's been going. H and I have spent every lunch together, and going on our 2 long dates a week, plus a weekend rec. We have been meeting each other's top intimate needs.

We've hit two stumbling blocks though and I've been reading here lots to try to figure out.

1. He sits in silence a lot. He's making an effort to talk to me more, he knows how important that is to me, but after two 3 hour dates and a long hike and coffee date over the weekend, he was doing that thing where he doesn't engage w me much and spends some of our time looking out the window in opposite direction in total silence. For a loooong while. It definitely bothers me but:

2. When I ask what's wrong, or if everything is ok, he gets very frustrated. He snapped at me once and I told him that we should not spend time together and do our own thing at that point. He doesn't yell or have a typical AO...he gets irritated. And my feelings get hurt.

He tried to rally me, said he really wants to spend time with me, told me not to just give up on our UA time right then, and instead understand how much it bothers him to hear I'm not happy with him at that moment, and that asking him what's wrong puts too much pressure on him.

Thoughts? IB is gone, he hasn't gone anywhere or done anything without my agreement and he is only recreating w me.

The two of you will need to work on finding conversation topics that are interesting to both of you.

Sitting in silence is not UA time -- do NOT count it in your total hours. If you have 15 hours planned, and 8 of those are spent sitting in silence, then you only need to put down that you had 7 hours of UA that week.

Don't accept crumbs.

Snapping at you is an AO, and it should not be counted in your UA time.

What is he doing to eliminate his AOs? Snapping at you because you asked a question is not acceptable EVER.

Does he blame you for making him angry?

He's not that fragile. He's lovebusting you then blaming you for it, plain and simple.

If it bothers him that you are not happy with him, HE CAN CHANGE THAT. He doesn't need to snap at you over it. He doesn't need to respond to that by abusing you.

Has he read Lovebusters?

Thoughts? IB is gone, he hasn't gone anywhere or done anything without my agreement and he is only recreating w me.

Thank you SO much Prisca. It helps me to hear this.

H has not read Lovebusters. I'll download it today and ask him to read it.

This is a pattern in our M. I'll be in a great mood, asking him questions, initiating fun conversation, and he will not reciprocate after a few minutes. Then, I ask what's wrong or if he's ok, he gets irritated and snappy, I get hurt and have my own AO (tell him to just take me home, stonewall when he ignores me at children's games, etc.).

I've made the commitment to no longer stonewall, but when he snapped at me the other day, I really did just want to go home and forget the date.

I've been feeling very guilty about the incident on Sat., so thanks again for helping me see that I'm not being unreasonable. And I'll ask him to read LB.

He IS trying- he has been closer to me every day and spent recent games sitting with me without my asking, laughing and chatting (about the sport). But then when sports talk runs out he has no more to say. I just thought he was very introverted.

Let us know what he says.

Okay, you don't need to have an AO in response to him. BUT, wanting to get away from him, or refusing to talk to him, AFTER his AO is not a bad thing. "Stonewalling" when you have been subjected to an AO is NOT A BAD THING. Listen to your instincts on this. When your husband is having an AO, or being disrespectful, the BEST thing you can do is to stop talking to him and get away from him.

Do you enjoy talking about the sport?
If so, continue to discuss it with him. But he also needs to find another topic of conversation that you both enjoy.


I am extremely introverted. But you wouldn't know it if you watched me and markos on a date -- we talk non-stop. Introverts CAN and DO enjoy conversation, but the conversation must be something that is interesting to us. He doesn't have to be silent just because he's an introvert.

You really need your husband to learn and practice Dr. Harley's "Friends and Enemies of Good Conversation." This is in His Needs Her Needs in the conversation chapter, and there's also an older version of it on the site here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5056_qa.html

(I recommend the book version over the website version, but either will work.)

I recommend that men reread the four friends and four enemies DAILY until they have it down, and try to practice with their wives daily. If they will do this it creates conversation that is enjoyable for you, so you get what you need, and enjoyable for him, so that he will want to keep doing it.

Very helpful. He talks a lot during the work day to clients, and has to be open to all kinds of topics and converse whether he's interested or not. So I know he's capable, plus he used to talk with me a lot. But I think it's a contentment thing. He often says he just doesn't want to talk to fill the space, that he doesn't need to always be talking.

I'll print this out and give it to him. This is a great article and applies to us for sure. We seem to rely on superficial conversation, lots of talk about the weather.

But he will see it as criticism, which I know is an LB for him. Any recommendations on how to present it? I'm also going to ask him to read Love Busters, which he may not see as a criticism. He knows I am reading He Wins, She Wins and he seemed interested enough to ask me how it was, though not interested enough to read it himself. I didn't ask him to though.

The two of you will need to find topics that are mutually enjoyable. It could be something totally off the wall and unrelated to anything else in your life. When markos and I started, a topic he hit on was the British Royal Family. We enjoyed talking about them immensely (kind of odd, considering we are Texans ....). As long as you enjoy it, that's what matters.

Conversation is one of the most important emotional needs. It's how people fall in love.

I think printing it out and telling him what you need is the best way you can present it.

Beyond that it is up to him to recognize that he needs to act on your feedback even if it makes him uncomfortable. Honestly I have been impressed so far that your husband grumbles a bit at your complaints but does seem to follow up on them and act on them! So I think there's some reason to hope here that he will give you what you need.

Here is something Dr. Harley wrote to me very recently:
"She tells you that you are affecting her negatively, so you then respond by trying to modify whatever it is you are doing. That gives her the feeling that your care about her, and she feels bonded to you. Handling negative feedback in a proactive way is a skill set that is very important in marriage, especially for husbands."


Your husband might like the audio books or the radio show.