Yes, he's willing to, but he made a "huh" response in irritation, so I think it irritates him though he doesn't argue. Then, we went on to have a nice evening. And I know that he came home in a great mood and was met with a quiet, unsmiling wife. I said hi, then added that I wished he would have talked over taking son w me.

To summarize: Here at MB, care is a verb. It is an action that your husband has not been doing.

Yes, he's making an effort, Thanks for pointing this out, Prisca.

I feel terrible when asking him to not do something that he had no idea would bother me. It changes the mood and our connectedness. I feel like I'll need to tell him something bothers me a lot. Do I just keep doing it, regardless of how it effects his feelings towards me?

I do not see the willingness if he is acting irritated because you let him know what he is doing bothers you.

He's going to need to step up his game.

I agree, and that's why I'm here. But he definitely doesn't see it that way. He takes care of a lot of errands, chores, issues that he could easily pass on to me but I'm glad he doesn't.
In his mind, he shows me more care than most husbands. For example, that water damage? He's handling every aspect and it ended up being a big deal (insurance, construction, etc.).

I guess my point is, I know it's not a good idea to wait on implementing MB steps. But to him, bringing up IB for taking son to game without talking to me first is so minor, that he asked why I was focusing on such a minor thing? I replied that communication is pretty important to me. Criticism to him.

Over our coffee date this morning, more long stares out window. Prisca, I honestly don't know if I should say something during these times or not. There is always something to say, and he will always see it as criticism.

YES! Continue to tell him what bothers you! You don't do your marriage, or HIM, any favors by keeping silent and suffering.

He needs to know what is bothering you if he is going to make any changes. It'll be up to him to make those changes, and it'll be up to him to be irritated or not. But you need to give him the information. That is an essential part of marriage. It is very important that wives complain to their husbands -- Joyce complains to Dr. Harley all the time! I still complain to markos.

Just be respectful about it. The best way to phrase it is
"It bothers me when you ..."
"It bothers me that you did ..."

The problem is that to have a good marriage, care needs to be expressed in ways that make large love bank deposits. An example Dr. Harley gives is that when he and Joyce got married, Joyce was going to a lot of trouble to iron Dr. Harley's clothes. But that really didn't make large love bank deposits - it didn't mean much to Dr. Harley. After he communicated this, Joyce quit spending time ironing and the paid for dry cleaning or found some other alternative. Dr. Harley's position is that there's no sense doing something that costs a husband or wife a lot and provides only very little reward.


Is he still reviewing the friends and enemies of good conversation every day?

It is important for him to refrain from expressing his opinion of the value of whatever things you complain about. Value judgments are disrespectful. It may be a minor thing to him, but what is important is that a love bank withdrawal is being made and if the two of you are going to be in love the love busters need to be eliminated.

Him calling it a "minor thing" is a disrespectful judgement on his part.

The best response to that is "It just bothers me." Don't debate him on it. Don't even try to explain WHY it bothers you. Just stick with "It just bothers me." He can't debate what you feel.

Dr. Harley touched on this during your show. UA is going to be awkward at first. Markos and I struggled with UA a lot because of this ... I actually hated our dates because I didn't want to be around him. But, as Dr. Harley said in your show, you got to start somewhere. The goal is for it to become the most enjoyable time of your week. Try to make it the most enjoyable.

You can try to make pleasant conversation with him during UA when he is being silent, but don't complain to him about his silence AT THAT POINT. Save your complaint for later, after UA.

"Honey, it bothers me that when we go out on a date we sit in silence. I would really love to talk more. What are some things you like to talk about?"

Dr. Harley does say that a complaint is actually a small lovebank withdrawal. When your lovebanks are love, it's going to feel like a huge hit. It won't always feel that way, once your lovebanks are fuller. But even Dr. Harley feels the lovebank withdrawal when Joyce complains. He doesn't classify it as a lovebuster, though, because it is essential in marriage to complain. It is essential so that changes can be made.

Let me tell you, markos has complained to me about things that in my mind are petty. A part of me wants to respond with "Why in the world would that bother you? Is there something wrong with you?" But I don't. Why? Because I know that to him, it's a huge thing. It's his lovebank that has taken the withdrawal, not mine. And if I want our marriage to remain good and healthy, then I need to take care and make sure I keep my balance in his lovebank FULL. So, even though I can't for the life of me see what the problem is, I stop doing the thing that is bothering him.

I was the queen at IB and Disrespectful Judgements, so that took a lot of work on my part to get to that point. But it had to be done, or our marriage would not have made it.

Even today, I rarely see what the problem is when markos complains. But I don't have to understand. I just have to stop.

Thanks, Prisca. You actually just made me laugh- I'm sure my husband wanted to ask me if there's something wrong with me for not wanting him to drive our son to a sports game.

I will continue to let him know my complaints but NOT during UA time. I'm so glad you clarified this. I knew not to bring up relationship stuff during UA time, but today I was sitting there racking my brain to come up with an engaging topics of conversation while he's turned totally away from me, staring out the window. I find it really annoying and it's hard not to wave my arms in the air and call out "over here!"

Markos, great illustration about Joyce and the ironing. Thank you. Not really sure how to address that though...do I say, thanks but all those calls you made today to help with the house really don't matter to me as much as meeting my ENs? The thing is, they DO matter to me. I really appreciate it.

At some point, is there a such thing as too many needs, according to MB? I need financial support, help dealing with construction/insurance people, and help with the kids, and to have my ENs met. I hope this isn't a case of too much.

I highly doubt that H is reading the friends of good conversation daily. He read it once, applied it very well on our dates, and now that it's midweek he's back to not engaging in IC.

Prisca, I'll say that to him, that sounds very nice and not like a complaint so much as a way to brainstorm together.

If my complains seem to irritate him so much, does that mean his lovebank is low? How do I fix that when he tells me to just keep doing what I'm doing? I know my AOs in the past have made significant withdrawls for him. Now I think he takes the complaints as withdrawals.

Have you read this?
Ouch! No, no, Let me explain. (By Steve Harley)

DQ, I've never read that! That means my husband's Taker is out...so I need to continue filling his lovebank so his Giver comes out instead? I'm trying by no longer getting mad at him, being very sweet instead of resentful now that he's no longer going to that rec class, but I do know that my complaints cause withdrawals...

My husband put a splitter onto the phone. It had a dual benefit- he started walking at my pace or the cord would pop.

Another idea is to listen in the car on a road trip. Kids watch a movie and we listen to MBR with a splitter. But remember with all of this MB stuff, that he needs to see how it benefits HIM in order to be motivated. Shows about the Giver and the Taker were especially helpful in the beginning.

As for cutting into UA time? It could have, but we did it during the lunch hour. During that time we could stop the show and talk about what was said. Sometimes it was emotional. This was a problem and not UA so through trial and error we scheduled UA at night and on the weekends, with problem solving and MBR during lunch. We also scheduled 20 hours of UA in order to get 15. Fine tuning UA is key.

I don't see how you are getting that from the Steve Harley "Ouch" article DQ posted.

I'm clearly not getting something here- sorry! And thanks for being patient with me.

Article's point:
that it was his elbow that caused the pain, demonstrate care by attending to the wound, and, even though she knows that he wouldn't do such a thing intentionally, he still needs to apologize for the pain he caused. Ideally, he would also let her know what he is going to do differently in the future in order to prevent this from happening again (future protection).

Sounds like overkill? Hmm... If you think so, then your Taker must be reading this.

My husband is the one who might think it is overkill to protect me from emotional pain, even if it's not intentional, is what I got from this. And if he does, it's because his Taker is out.

Ignore the last sentence of the article about the Taker and tell us what the article means for your husband - what does he need to do differently?

Don't just answer the question.

That's an easy one for me, not so much for him. He needs to stop minimizing the emotional pain he causes when he doesn't consider me. And if I complain, he needs to address the issue, even if it isn't the most pleasant thing in the world at the time.

Thank you- I was feeling very guilty for ruining the start of a nice night together. I kept trying to go out of my way to compensate for the irritation I felt I caused by bringing it up. It was exhausting and it made me realize how the old habits continued for so long because it was simply easier to silently feel upset and not have to deal with his reactions if I complained.

Meaning he should be reading it every day until it becomes a habit. I loved how Prisca suggested I bring it up nicely and not during UA time, but are you saying it would help to resend the article to him daily (text) until it is no longer an issue?