And thank you guys very much. I feel like I should have the MB forum on retainer.

I keep feeling very relieved when I post here and get replies. For our entire marriage following kids, I thought I was being unreasonable for complaining about the IB.

Sorry Kat, I should have been more clear.
I shared the article because it relates to this topic in general. It supports Prisca's post about stopping something even when we don't see why it would be bothersome. It also explains how not to punish our spouse for being thoughtless and how to correctly respond to a complaint.

The "Taker" sentence is not the most important part of the article, but I will attempt to explain. Think of his "Taker" as the subconscious, self-preserving side of him that wants to be on autopilot and doesn't want to hassle with something that is "no skin of his back".
It's his instinct to ignore your feelings because paying attention would take effort. THAT is most likely what Dr. Harley meant about him possibly not caring.

It is not your job to fill his love bank so that he overrides his Taker and pays attention to your feelings and preferences. It is both of your marital job to be sensitive to each others' complaints. Nothing less should be satisfactory. It is part of our marriage vows to honor and cherish each other.

Your husband just needs to learn the skill of respecting your feelings and properly addressing your complaints. Learning how to do that takes practice for many people.

Like Dr. Harley said, it is a process.

I see, and no worries, I probably should have gotten that from reading it. I try not to punish him, but when something is bothering me it does put me in a bad mood, like Joyce talked about on the radio program today. Is this punishing him?

As for responding differently, do I say that in the moment, or send him the article, or ask that he show more care, even when the pain he caused is unintentional?

Ah, ok, got it. I really wish he were here on MB.

I was expecting to see him reading it daily - that was my original suggestion and I don't understand why he's not doing it. I also don't understand why you would send it to him daily. My thinking was he would be the one to be doing this, not you. Don't try to do the work for him.

I sent him the article and he read and applied it, but I didn't ask him to read it every day. I'm not sure how to ask him to re-read it daily without offending him.

"It would mean a lot to me if you would read this daily."

Perfect! Prisca, I started a notes file filled with your recommendations of ways to say things nicely to my husband. I have a hard time knowing what to say in the moment.

I had a chance last night to say "Honey, it bothers me when we sit in silence during our undivided attention time together. Is there any topic you'd enjoy talking about with me?"
It went really well! At first, he gave me the old spiel about how he doesn't always need to be talking, that just sitting together is fine, etc. But I stayed calm and "light", and suggested we read the Friends of Conversation article and we started laughing together about "investigating" each other (in a nice way), and he opened up a lot. He said he's trying to be a better conversationalist and he knows I'm trying too.

This morning our coffee date was filled with great conversation. He just texted me that he can't wait to hike w me at lunchtime.

I'm feeling very much in love with my husband.

I also know that he will likely need reminders, and I need to react calmly when things come up. Prisca, how long does it take for these new habits to take hold, to get to the point where we don't have to think so hard to do them? I know your history of IB and Marko's AOs.

I agree. Even with nothing of great insight being said or shared (it would be impossible to make every second productive, as much as we may like too), there is no reason it can't at least be positive. Well stated.

When we started the program, our coach told me "3-4 months."
Our problem is that we both had a hard time quitting the lovebusters. We continued to fight. Then there was an affair. Then his AOs got worse. So we were a hard case
But, if both of you follow the program completely (meaning you give up lovebusters completely and you meet each others emotional needs and are going on 15 hours worth of dates), you'll be in love in 3-4 months and all these rules you're having to force yourself to follow right now will be habit.

Thanks, Prisca! It sounds easy to stop LB'ing, but I know it will require effort, especially as I bring up complaints. But already we are spending more time together and making progress in meeting ENs. And we are checking in with each other before making decisions regarding the kids. That has been missing for a while so addressing the recent issue last week ended up changing that dynamic already.

Would love help with a parenting issue related to husband's IB that just came up.

12yr old son disrespectful to me this afternoon. Violated a house rule, then swore at me when I told him it was not ok and there'd be a consequence.

Husband had a special date he planned for me to celebrate something. Son had texted him asking to go to an event w friends. I told husband what happened w son and that I don't think he should be able to go to this event (which I never agreed to in the first place). Husband disagreed- he'd already planned a ride home for our son, told me not to worry about it, it was all handled and he wanted me to have a nice time getting ready before our date. He was about to leave to take 12yr old and drop off at event, then pick up our other son for me so I could relax and get ready.

Husband was trying to be nice to me. But I strongly felt 12 yr old should not go after hs behavior, so I said so. Husband said it was best for him to go. He sad he's already talked w son about his behavior and so did I.

We discussed it more and he took him without my agreement. I tried to point out that this decision directly affects me too because son now thinks it's ok to be disrespectful to me, and husband said I was getting "worked up." That I should go back to getting ready and let him handle.

I'm not sure how to handle these situations without arguing my point.

If I stopped talking, husband would leave to take son (which is how it ended).

And this argument now leaves husband feeling like nice things he did (pick up other son, usually my job, plan special night out, surprise me at lunch w flowers and gift) is all undone.

If I did that today in 2016 I would expect to come home and find the locks changed.

If I did that in 2010 I would expect to come home and find Prisca not speaking to me.

Our marriage is much better in 2016 than it was in 2010, and this is why.

Your husband broke the Policy of Joint Agreement. Since you were no longer enthusiastic about your son going, neither one of you should have done anything to aid him in going.

Your husband is still willing to break the rules whenever it suits him. It is no wonder that your son doesn't respect you -- his dad doesn't respect you either!

You need to tell your husband that this is unacceptable, and you are unwilling to live this way. He must be willing to stop whatever he is planning the moment you say you are unenthusiastic about it.

Kat have you concidered doing the online program, where you have an accountability coach and work directly with Dr Harley? I would highly recommend it.

Your husband is making the grand mistake of showing you love in the way that HE FEELS you need to be shown love, while simultaneously ignoring your requests for POJA and committing LB's. This is not going to achieve the results of having a happy marriage.

Perhaps if you work with an accountability coach you will have an opportunity for him to learn how to better use this program to create a great marriage, by implementing the POJA and stop the lovebusting. And it won't be your job to educate him on how to do this.

This is not your H trying to be nice to you, it is your H blatantly making decisions against your will. I'm not sure how it is nice when you are stating very clearly you do NOT agree, and he just does it anyway. The fact that he believes it is 'best for him to go' is his own perspective, he is completely disregarding your perspective.

This is a DJ and is very disrespectful.

And I just wanted to point out the LBing and disrespect, because the bottom line is, these things ARE all undone if he continues disregarding your feelings and lovebusting like this.

If you have a love 'bucket,' and every time he is does something nice for you it puts one or more love units in that bucket, think of the lovebusting and lack of care as a big hole in the bottom. No matter how many units he puts in, if he does not patch up that big hole it will not make you happy or in love with him. He needs to patch up that hole.

Once again, thanks for validating that this is an issue and one I need to address with my husband.

Unwritten, thanks for recommending the online course, so I'm not having to educate my husband on these issues. This is my biggest challenge- my husband doesn't know how this is an LB, or even disrespectful. He thinks he's helping and taking charge for the benefit of our family, and I've gone along with that for years, except when the children were babies (he deferred to me at that stage with parenting). He also defers to me regarding their education.

I think this is our habit (I'm admittedly pretty passive, except when I'm not and then it causes arguments).

Anyways, thanks for helping me understand that the arguments are not because of the way I'm handling things- it's because he's not respecting my feelings on how to parent our son.