I did listen to it yesterday. You're talking about the car scenario, where the husband felt he had more knowledge so he should make the decision about which car to buy, and how she can say that she is not going to live with this car since she hasn't agreed to it. She can hold him accountable for making decisions without her input.

Thanks for pointing this out to me. When I heard it the first time, I didn't identify, since I find car shopping and negotiating a chore and have been happy to leave that to my husband in the past. Now I see that the suggested responses to IB do apply for other situations. I'm copying those down.

We had another issue on our way to dinner last night. My husband told me to "chill out and not worry about it," "you're making a big deal out of nothing," and to just "live in the moment." I told him that I found that very disrespectful, and he asked me if I'd had a bad day and was irritated like this all day. I find it very difficult to not get angry in situations like this. I told him that the date was over, to take me home, and that his comments to me were disrespectful and that I would not be spending time with him if he was going to treat me like that.

At this point, he apologized and told me he loved me. He said he didn't realize that those comments would upset me, that he appreciates it when I tell him to take deep breaths and relax, to chill out. He needs reminders so he wanted to do the same for me.

I don't know how to handle it when these things come up. He makes me mad.

This doesn't mesh with this:


Your husband is NOT on the same page as you. If he wants to be, it's time for him to talk to Dr. Harley.

How do I do that? Have him email Dr. Harley? Do I tell him why, and what do I say?

Tell Dr Harley that your issues have been discussed on the radio show twice, and give him the dates and the problems discussed. Tell him that your husband has agreed to talk to him. Tell Dr H that the forum keeps identifying your H's outright refusal to consider that you have a point of view first, before he makes decisions, and that when you express your opinions and reservations, he often tells you to chill out and go with the flow, and he becomes irritated when you do not acquiesce. Tell him that your H makes decisions about the children's activities without waiting for your point of view, and that the forum has told you that he needs to stop coaching your son's sport altogether and turn this into UA time with you. Tell him that, just like your H's own yoga participation, we think his involvement in the kids' sport is damaging your marriage and urgently needs to stop. Tell him that your H overrides you on parenting issues, for example when your son is rude to you (he has discussed this with you when you were on the radio show). Tell him that your H frequently issues DJs about your opinions and feelings - tell him about the dinner table incident.

Sum up your points by telling him that in the forum's opinion, the two crucial issues are that he actively resists using POJA and coerces you into doing what he wants, especially when it comes to the kids' sport, and that, despite having appeared to agree to work on the marriage, he is still behaving in congruence with his previously expressed view that the parents should put the children first while they are at home, and they can focus on each other when the kids are grown. Tell him that your love for him won't last if he does not change this strategy yesterday. Ask him to tell your H how MB would deal with your complaints about the marriage, and what will happen if he does not vigorously work on the complaints.

Prisca and other stalwarts might have additions and alterations to this. Wait until you hear from them.

I agree with Sugar, write Dr H again to address your Dh & then let him listen to it.

When you are out & he starts like this and you have reached the point you were- it is ok to say an apology isn't enough and I don't feel loved. Take me home.

I wondered what to do if after I pointed out LB, and he apologized, do you still go on or not. If you reach the point of being that upset-veiw it as if he just gave you a bloody nose.
This image helped me a lot- would you really stay out on a date after he hit you & your bleeding everywhere??? It is what he did on the inside- so if thats how you feel. Follow it.

Go home and take care of yourself. Any deposits that might have been made is pointless now.

So- anytime in the future- go home. It is just fine & in Your best interest to get away and go home. Go take care of yourself and get away from him.

Thank you SC. I will do as you suggest and wait for additions to what you said.

Very helpful, Elaina. I did not know what to do when he apologized.

We had a talk again his afternoon. I told my husband much of what SC wrote above, that when I express my point of view or opinions or concerns, he responds with irritation, criticism, and/or DJ. I also said that it hurts me very much when he allows our son to be disrespectful to me and especially when he agrees w son. I told him that when he puts sports before our marriage and allows our son to participate even after poor behavior toward me, other child, and in our home, it is damaging our family and our marriage.

He apologized, said it will not happen again, and he agrees that this is damaging and that our son's character should come first, before he's earned the privilege to play sports. He is going to talk with our son now. He said he will change these habits and he is very sorry for the hurt and pain he's causing me.

I did not mention Dr. H today. I was waiting to read more here but my husband came to me and asked me if I'm ok and I ended up sharing this w him. We had a very minor incident on the field today when son told me not to ask how bad their loss was (they lost a big game). My husband agreed w son that I worded it wrong (should have said "how did it go" instead of assumed it was a bad loss. I already knew they'd lost but didn't get to see game so was trying to offer support).

What Sugarcane posted is excellent, and I can't think of anything to add to it.

You need to ask your husband to email with Dr. Harley.

Prisca, I don't really know how to ask him to email w Dr. H. Do I tell him it will be answered on the radio show? Husband told me today that he understands and will stop IB and DJ. Do I now tell him that's not enough, we need more help from Dr. H?

I don't know how to get him to email Dr. H when husband doesn't see the same issues. He agrees w following the POJA.

"It would be a lot to me if you would email with Dr. Harley and talk about independent behavior and disrespectful judgements. It would mean a lot to me if you would seek his guidance."

Tell him he doesn't have to go on the radio show, they could just read a letter and respond to the letter. Tell him he can use a fake name (a lot of people have done this -- I have done this!).

You do need more help from Dr. Harley. You are not in a position where you can educate your husband. If you try, YOU will be making a disrespectful judgement. Your husband needs someone to talk to him about the program that knows it inside out, and can educate him without risking the lovebank.

Your husband has agreed to follow the POJA before. And time and time again, he doesn't. He needs to take the next step and email Dr. Harley.

"I'm unhappy, and I've tried to explain to you why, and I don't feel like I've been able to get across to you what is bothering me so much. I really feel like Dr. Harley and Joyce could explain it to you, and I would really like you to talk to them."

Thank you both very much. I will use the script you've both given me the next time he doesn't follow the POJA and/or has a DJ.

Kat-please don't wait for the next time he lovebusts. Please reread what Prisca wrote above. Going back to what Dr. H said on your MB RADIO show, the overarching problem is your husband's PHILOSOPHY of marriage. He will see your complaining as nit picking him until he gets a better understanding. You cannot be the person to educate him about his philosophy of marriage. It will take time and in my humble opinion should come from Dr.H, a MALE PSYCHOLOGIST with DECADES OF EXPERIENCE with saving marriages.

Please get your husband in touch with Dr. H. I did this by getting my husband's agreement to do the online program with a coach and access to the private forum.

I should clarify that I did it that way but you can also follow what the others have suggested about contacting Dr. H.

Thanks, DQ, and I agree- he needs to learn from a coach instead of me. From the articles he's read, the advice to me that I've shared, and his current reading of LB, he seems open to Dr. H.

Because we had a very open, honest talk yesterday where he assured me he would move forward applying the MB program, I am going to give it a try. I've suggested that he contact Dr. H last week if he had any questions when I told him I needed him to follow the POJA w me.

He didn't just agree to try yesterday. He told me he would not make those mistakes again (DJ, IB, and not following the POJA). He is very action-oriented and I know that he will stop doing those things if he tells me he will stop. We've already had several things come up and he's handled them exactly how I needed him to handle.

I'd like to give this a try and the very next time there is a LB, I'll stay calm and text him the script above.

Thank you all for everything- you've all helped me so much in learning how to use MB to get the marriage I need. I could not have figured out how to apply MB on my own. I'll keep you updated.

I don't know what you've got to lose by asking him to contact Dr Harley now. Why are you resisting this?

Are you afraid he will get irritated? That would indicate less than stellar commitment to his new understanding.

Okay Kat.

I would strongly suggest that you take all agreements off the table and renegotiate things to the point where all activities for you, your family and the individual kids are things you BOTH feel good about. Plan each week with UA time first. If you make a habit of you or the kids avoiding any activity unless it's agreed to in advance, the habit of Joint Agreement will start to develop.

What are your thoughts about this?

Full agreement and I want this for our family. My husband has agreed to this.

I want to believe him when he says he can do this. If he can't or doesn't seem to understand, I will ask him to contact Dr. H using the script Prisca and Markos gave me above.

15 hours UA.
POJA for all decisions.
No more LB.

I'm very happy if these 3 things can happen in our marriage. If they aren't, I know I can go to my husband and let him know that I'd like him to contact Dr. H for more help in making these 3 things happen.

MB and this forum has helped me communicate better what I need from my husband. My previous approach was not working. I'm very optomistic that this is working due to how I'm approaching my husband. So thank you. And if it doesn't, I know I cannot be the one who educated him further- he will need Dr. H.