Hi Susie Q- thanks for asking. Things are much better in many ways, but I think they'd be a lot better faster if my H would reach out to Dr. Harley. We have been on a family trip so getting lots of opportunities to complain nicely. H is open to eliminating LBs and apologizes/stops doing it when I tell him and is meeting my needs for rec time, family time, a bit more affection and conversation....but I want more effort w conversation/affection. We are regularly having SF.

However, we had a date night recently and spent 25 min waiting for a table w no engagement/effort for conversation on his end. I called him on it, he said he just didn't "need" to talk. I see this pattern- he gives in to my requests, then slips back into doing what he wants and argues w me when I bring up a complaint. When I've reached my limit (start to withdraw) he makes a full on effort to meet my needs by going almost over the top for a while to meet my needs and then some.

He tells me that he sees any bump as a small blip in the big picture, that he sees the big picture and knows we will be together forever. I believe my H very much believes in unconditional love.

Things with the kids are getting much better. He disciplines our oldest more now and supports me in not allowing disrespectful behavior. I'm very happy on that end. 12 yr old's behavior has improved a lot in a matter of weeks. But- team sports are still on the horizon. I've made it clear to H that I'm not enthusiastic about his coaching. So far, he's telling the boys that is undecided for next season and I tell them that Dad and I need to discuss it.

I feel like I'm going to need to keep on my H about certain things- getting 15 hours a week UA time, making good conversation, addressing complaints without arguing, eliminating unilateral decision making. H will not voluntarily schedule 15 hours/week, though rec time together is set and he is fully on board doing rec with only me.

Overall, improved greatly but still work in progress and will continue to make it known that I expect my needs to be met in this marriage, as well as calling out LBs.

(he will not coach the travel team but would like to coach the local team for our son- he's telling our son that we are not sure yet).

I'm starting to think that MB doesn't work for women trying to get their husbands to show them more attention, affection, and intimacy...it needs to come from the husbands themselves.

Hi Kat...
Thanks for your honesty.
How would you feel about writing Dr. Harley again just for clarification?

Thanks for posting this, Elaina. I'm fine writing Dr. H- I agree we need to do the program.

And Prica is right-Dr H has told me too all a women can do is try to motivate her husband into stepping up to the plate to pursue you but if he won't after encouragement, the best MB step to take is to separate. (The reason is that us women are not capable of doing extended Plan A as he calls it and eventually it takes a horrible physical toll on us)
He offers me encouragement, then something happens and I feel hurt.

From what I read, your H is only Ok meeting your emotional needs sometimes-he hasn't become an expert at it yet and he is still Love busting you enough that the deposits are easily drained. (moody and sulking are one form of an AO-did you know that?)
Yes, this is the issue. But he would point out that I am the sulker. He hurts my feelings, I try to tell him, he denies it, I feel a very strong need to get away from him. He comes to me with an olive branch, but doesn't want to discuss the issue.

Do you think your H could be checking off the list.. ok, doing the 15 hours she wants... check (but almost making sure its more like the teenager kid who "cleans" the bathroom only doing just enough to say they did clean but without a REAL cleaning?)
Yes, when he's in the mood to not want to try or work on things. When he's being loving and caring, he does more than what I expect. It's very confusing, which is why I'm here.

At this point he seems to be happy with the way things are.
We just had a talk- he's very happy with the way things are. He doesn't see the problem. He tells me we are all good, that I'm dwelling on negatives, that he's staying strong in that what we have is good and positive.

I personally wouldn't just sit there if he isn't going to be engaged (and if he is moody etc, he is actually love busting you during UA which totally defeats the purpose!) Leave.
Thank you for this. I will do this. I will be upset though. Is it ok for me to be very quiet in the car when I have to end our date early because he's not engaging? And WHY does he do this? It's so painful.

If your at dinner and he is moody, won't talk etc.. leave.

You can tell him that his behavior bothers and hurts you so much that you can not tolerate it.
(so lets say you both came in the car, you can still go sit outside, or wait in the car etc)

I would let him know in an email where things really are with you though. He says counseling is a last resort? Tell him he is on it. You can post your email here and we can help you with it.
(if you read the when to call it quits letters, DR H talks about this being a last chance thing before separating to see what the Husband does.)
Part of that letter could be a, in order to be in a relationship with me, we need to go through Dr H course so we can have a happy, romantic relationship etc.