So did you do research on this guy? Is he married? Have you researched to see if he is on social media?

I have had little luck finding him on social media, but I believe I have found people around him.
I'm not 100 percent positive.

Is this a topic that should go to the "Investigate" forum?
Or, should I post what I have found here?

I'm not sure that I am on the right track and I have forks in the road. I would very much appreciate help and opinions on how to proceed on what will now be my second investigation.

I also have the lingering questions on if I should send a follow up letter to my WW about texting others and/or inviting her to MB.

I think you should keep your outreach and requests for conversation light and not make DJs like "you have a wall up". These will only get her defences up.

This may just be me, but the wording of "I would love to give you the center of my attention" is likely to turn off someone who is not in love with you. I would receive it as smothering. Just keep it light - "hope your day is going well/saw this and thought of you/did you see the news about XYZ?"

ETA: is she an animal lover? There are a gazillion adorable/hilarious GIFS and photos on the internet of puppies/kittens whatever. I bet those would bring a smile to her face. Again, if she likes animals.

Thank you.

This is so hard to know what is right and wrong to say.
We have been married for over 21 years and together for over 23.
Through this entire ordeal I have only gotten tiny bits of information from her, some which do not make sense, as to why any of this even exists. I struggle on what to say to make progress or drive it away.

edit:

She has not read the love letter I sent yesterday.
It spoke of how beautiful she looked during our children's birth.
Our wedding.
My promise to create happiness.
That our marriage is worth fighting for and saving.
Baby steps.
Asking to arrange time together.
Fun.
Future.
...ect.

Is such a letter too much?

I do see it recommended quite often.
Should I remove it (before she reads it)?

The words which are written are all very true and with love, and it seemed the first thing I should do to fight back against the discovery of 1400 text messages in 4 days, and possibly an immediate back to back affair.

I'm concerned the radio advice last given (three months ago), of asking her to spend time together, at least every other day, and treat her wonderfully and there is a possibility of seeing light at the end of three months... combined with the advice here in the thread of continuing to text... (its really all I have right now) has caused her to basically break contact.

Perhaps she took it as pushing or smothering.
She would bounce up and down with agreeing to do so, to blowing off the scheduled time as it drew near... then just stopped communication.

We have done and do much better in person, and I have mentioned this to her, but getting her to agree to spend time together, or now even respond, is very hard.

Has she said anything to you about such letters in the past? You don't want to be expressing yourself in ways that will not make deposits AND will annoy her to boot.

Again, this depends on where her mind is at but I think you should be careful with OTT statements even if they are, undoubtedly, motivated by sincere love and affection. Try and be a fun person to be around, not overly intense and emotional.

This would be my first such letter.
I have made statements in the past of each of the tings I've talked about, but never compiled in a full length letter.

I have removed it from her inbox. I'll have to think about it some more, before I possibly resend it/ move it back.

I am now down to only a couple/ few unanswered texts per day.
I am not sure how to fight back against over 300+ per day by this new OM.

-----------

I researched the new OM whom she has been texting with.
He is not on any social media that I can find, but there are apparent relatives who are. According to spokeo.com he is married. But if I remember what has been said in the past about my WW's co-workers, this person is not his wife, but the ex-girlfriend/ mother of his child. I believe I have found her as well.
I also believe this OM is a person whom was living in their car, behind the service station in which my WW works. The manager gave him a job just to keep him from hanging out back all the time.

How do I approach these people and what do I say?
I also have his phone number of course, and his email. Should I call/ email and attempt to confront him?
If I do, I am sure my WW will hear about it within minutes.
I risk having the synced phone shut off and the password to the service provider changed.

my 20yr old daughter works at the same place and she would be able to give me more info. Such as if he still works there, if he is married, confirm the name of his girlfriend/ ex-GF... ect.
But, I am not sure if I should bring this to her. She does know about the affair which started this thread and does not approve, but at the same time, seems to favor her mother.

I have found many possible relatives of this person she has been talking to. Young, old, possibly aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, cousins. There are quite a lot, so I am unsure.
while I am figuring out a way to approach them, I am wondering if I should tell my WW that I know she is talking to another man night and day and how painful it is.

Right now I am resisting the urge.

* I am not even sure she has really or fully broken off contact with the OM that brought me here. Now I have to deal with two at the same time.
The first one, considering he lives across the world, had me quite optimistic. This one is very close by. Very likely nothing physical has happened, but it is, I believe, an affair by definition.

Just sent out 31 friend requests to all of the possible relatives I could find of this new other person.

Should I have sent them all at once?

I am wondering if they will compare notes of some unknown person whom has sent a bunch of family members a friend request and perhaps I should pull some back and space them out over a bit of time.

What should my next step be, if and when any of them accept?
I am at a loss of what to say or how to say it.

While it is almost certain that she is having another affair, this isn't enough evidence for you to take the first step on discovery, which is to expose the affair. Before you expose, you need to have enough evidence to convince a jury, and this isn't it.

The only thing you can do, with her being separated from you, is to continue to monitor the phone records, and try other means to get evidence. If you have no other means at your disposal, because she is separated from you, then you cannot proceed on this one.

With time, other evidence might emerge. Be patient.

Okay. I will.
(I have however let the friend requests remain)

In the meantime should I talk to my oldest daughter about this?

If this is the person whom I believe (almost certain) it is, my daughter would have also worked with them at and know who he is.
I feel the need to inform her that her mother is once again carrying on with another, but am not sure if it is the right move. I am sure my WW is once again hiding everything from our children.

Is she the 21 year-old?

If so, I think you need to work out whether you can convey to her that at present, you're highly suspicious of an affair, but the volume of texts alone is not evidence. You also cannot say for sure that the recipient is the man you suspect - unless you are now cast-iron sure about his phone number.

If you can convey that this is only a suspicion, and if you can trust her to keep cool and not accuse her mother without further evidence, then perhaps you can confide in her. She might be able to help you get more evidence, since she's worked with them.

It's possible that this man was the real affair partner all long, and the one overseas was long dead, as she said it was.

I am absolutely sure of the name that belongs to the phone number. I am also sure of the name of the woman whom is associated with that man's name. I found them both connected through google plus.
I am 90% sure both of the names match WW's co-worker (now possibly ex-coworker) and the stories I was told about his
(ex?) wife/girlfriend.

I am also sure of the length and timeframe of the affair with the OM overseas. I am still in contact with that OM's spouse. And she confirmed the events as they unfolded.

What neither I nor the first OM's spouse is sure of is if they are still sneaking contact with each other.

My letter was addressed on the 8/10 radio episode. I listened to it (several times) today. It was of some help, but the first part of the response talked about the need for exposure, which of course I had already done almost 5 months ago. It also spoke of contacting the OM, which I had also done at that time.

* I would like to send him further messages, but the other BS asked me not to, just after my original confrontation letters. So, I am unsure if I should do this and risk severing contact with the other BS and her updates ?

The rest of the response became jumbled together and a bit convoluted, combing some unrelated questions into one, which lead to answers that kind of didn't pertain to my situation.
I sent another, much shorter letter today rephrasing and asking a few immediate questions of concern.


Speaking of the other BS. She contacted me just hours ago warning me that her WH is VERY SOON flying to Canada and to be on the alert that contact, or even a meeting, may happen between her WH and my WW.
The other BS insists it is due to a family emergency at the request of his parents in Canada. She said she can not give me details of the circumstances until her WH returns home.

This concerns me greatly because within my original discovery of the affair evidence was talk between the two of them, shortly before discovery, of him again coming to visit my WW this very summer.
I had informed the other BS, when originally informing her of the affair (and several times afterward) if it were to happen it would likely be in August as each of the 3 years of the affair included them seeing each other in August. He has also given his spouse the lie of visiting his parents in Canada before, to in fact take a trip with or visit my WW.
It is now August and by "coincidence" he is about to board a plane in this direction.
The other BS asked me to monitor the situation, and I would like to, but I am not sure how I can do this.

The other BS and I also talked about some of the original evidence, which includes over two years of her WH and my WW's Facebook chat.

I have a question about this piece of evidence.
Upon first discovery I attempted to read it. I could not get past the first several messages as it immediately became online sex. I might be able to get through more of it, if I were to try.
Is there a benefit to trying?
Perhaps there might be something in there describing what it was that made my WW unhappy? Or actions which lead to the affair. It will be very painful to read, but perhaps I can get through it in small doses.

It was also suggested on yesterday's show that I should study the OM and what needs he was providing. Perhaps reading 2 years of their communications will accomplish that (?)

Is there any advice or precautions I can pass along to the other BS so that she may ensure her WH is not communicating with or possibly visiting my WW?

Does the OM's BW have spyware on her WH?

Why doesn't she go on the trip with him?

I will ask about spyware, but I do not believe the other BS has been allowed to get that close enough to her WH's electronics.

She says she can not go with because her job would not allow it and the high expense of a last minute flight across the world.

Again on the radio show a few things were jumbled and mixed together as to my questions and actions and lead to some assumptions that don't exist. I guess it is understandable when condensing material.

For example,
During this entire time, I have not once been disrespectful while talking to my WW. I was also not referring to trying to call her as "investigating". I believe the discovery of these new texts and where they lead me, is the investigating.
I did not ask about printing up MB material and in some way
leaving it for my WW to find. I was speculating about making the texts known to her.
My father did not mention the word stalking in relation to calling my WW on the phone. He was referring to the fact that our phones remain synched. I also have not attempted to call my WW continuously since she last quit responding. Some days I have not tried at all and others I have tried once or twice.
Texting and calling are the actions that were making some progress. The times we have spent together were a result of doing so. It has been hard to get her to communicate, but she was talking enough, and positive enough times, to bring us up to last week.

Even so, I have taken the advice and am in a holding pattern.

What I am confused about is that my last advice 3 months ago was to ask my WW, at least every other day, if she would like to do things. I am believing "at least every other day" was because I could expect many "no" answers and then gently ask again in the next day or two. That by doing so, I might catch her in an agreeable mood, which I have a few times. That there might be light at the end of the tunnel after 3 months.

This latest advice mentions that if she gives a "no" answer I should stop. Seems a bit conflicting. I had slowed it down some and rarely mentioned the same activity twice, mixed it up between small activities together, time with the children, to already arranged gatherings with friends. But, did not completely stop over these last 12 weeks.

Bad news. I'm not even sure how to react. Discovered today that my WW has apparently bought a plane ticket to NY. This is devastating. I am guessing I tell the other BS first. I think I should also let our families know.