Why don't you stop fighting and focus on eliminating lovebusters and meeting each others emotional needs?

In the meantime, I would email Dr Harley and ask for his assistance in helping you resolve the job situation.

That is a very common feeling when one is learning new habits. The program teaches you to negotiate decisions that are good for your marriage rather than win/lose outcomes.

You shouldn't make a big like divorce when you're upset.

Are you going to email Dr Harley?

Yes, I did cry the rest of the day and night (eyes swollen shut). I will be keeping my job unless God says otherwise. At a time (in the past) there had been disrespect from my hubby when I was out of work for close to a year after losing my job working from home doing customer service and article writing.

During that time I would get to hear he pays all the bills so get to make all the decisions, the house and cars belong to him, without him I would be nothing. When he would get angry he wound run to the bank and take out what remained of his money. His money he would stress. Then as soon as I started work, he decided I needed to have my own checking account and took his checkbook and all the cards to that checking account.

Even now, when it is tax time, he always wants to have half. His and her stash. So this year for a while, I decided there would not need to be a his and her stash but one stash. He agreed that we would keep it in his lock box located in the room where he sleeps. We did not do half but decided that we would do 1500 a piece to do whatever we wanted with and the rest would be for taking care of bills and the home. My only request was that we keep all money together and let the other day when some was being pulled.

Well guess he did not want to follow that rule. When I called him on pulling some he said he used it to cover a medical bill. I was like ok but I thought we always would just let the other know. Another time he got angry and I would hear the room door close with him going in our lock box. The final day, he came and told me he was taking his portion out and wanted it separate. After that, I said fine, then I would put the rest up in my room because the in and out was making me nervous.

One of the other texts of that day and discussions was asking him to do the affection questionnaire. I did mine Saturday morning and was able to come up with five things that he already does that he could just increase in doing. He brought me back right away two things (what not to do) but says it will take some time to come with the others. I said you mean to tell me I don�t already do some things that are affectionate. Today is Monday morning and I still have nothing.


The entire story of the doctor appointment was provided to the Harleys on the day of our show. They decided to discuss what they were able to pick up on from that letter and speaking to us.

Hubby was going to go to work with me today as they do some times but daughter wanted them to do the store errands as they do some times to help the family.

I did submit this information to the Harleys. This is another text that I asked if he would be ok with me submitting our posts. I did not get an answer back. So today I submitted anyway.

Excuse any errors in my post but I have got to head to work.

There is nothing more that we can do to help your marriage if your job comes first. Like Dr Harley would tell you, anything that comes before your marriage will come between you. Believe me, GOD does not want you to have a job that harms your marriage. This is a violation of the policy of joint agreement.

str22one, in order for this program to work, you have to BOTH follow the concepts. You can't demand that he follow the program and exempt yourself. There is nothing off the table here.

What, in your thinking, constitutes God telling you otherwise? If all the heartache isn't enough, look at the ramifications of what you are doing. Do you think this is God-pleasing?

The Lord is speaking to you loudly and clearly. You are simply choosing not to listen.

I have been following along.

I think you should talk to the Harleys again.

Dr. Harley told me not to worry about anything else as long as Angry Outburts were a problem in marriage.

It is the number one priority: He must promise and maintain never to have one ever again period.
He admitted to having one after your show. He lives a lifestyle of anger.

Separation from him for a year until he can prove to you that he will:
1) never have another AO on you again,
2)treat you with the utmost respect,
3)not punish and with hold money and
4)is willing to use the POJA is where you are at.

I think Dr. H would tell you that EVENTUALLY your job needs to go under POJA, but not under these circumstances where you need to separate for his Anger alone. Health and safety trump all. Plus, DR H has made it clear that there is no POJA with Anger, you are at a standstill until he resolves that completely.

Focusing on anything else is a waste of time.

I agree with you: you need to separate now, He needs to start anger management and worry about the rest later.

I am concerned that Str22one needs to be preparing for separation, so until her husband can demonstrate the marriage is safe for her, giving up the best paying job she could get within 35 miles might not be the best idea.



His punishing anger is wrecking the marriage.

If it wasn't her job, it would be that her texts are making him angry, or that his son makes him angry, or that she's using his anger against him, or that he's yelling at her and hiding her phone. He finds plenty of other excuses to demonstrate his anger.

Once he can prove he's a safe person to deal with, then her good paying job could be up for discussion. He needs to make it safe for her to dare to give up her job.

Str22one, what behavior was Casper exhibiting that caused you to call the police one day? Did you feel that your physical safety was in question?

folks, they already HAVE spoken to the Harleys and Dr Harley is well aware of the backstory. He did not tell them to separate. As far as the job situation, there are LOTS of red flags going on there due to the fact that she would rather separate than find another job. That is alarming, especially since she was not willing to separate until that became an issue.

They need to contact Dr Harley and get his guidance in navigating the job situation.

Look at the ramifications of what you are doing. Do you think this is God-pleasing?

Yes, I think that he is pleased. I am the same women that my husband chose and married. And promised to love, honor, and cherish.

Str22one, what behavior was Casper exhibiting that caused you to call the police one day? Did you feel that your physical safety was in question?

This is only one of a few calls to the police. Many of them were in the past. But they have all revolved around anger. The last one was May 16 the day before his medical appointment. I got up early cleaning the front of home. It was too early for him and so he made it known that next time wait until everyone is awake. I told him now I know why people call the other nagging or something like that. He was upset with me the day before as well May 15. From there it exploded. He was very loud and in my face. He had made his coffee and so I asked him to leave the kitchen so that I could make mine and get the kids up. He did not want to hear what I was saying. He was in my face close enough to kiss. I told him that was confrontational and to step back. After he would not leave the kitchen I left the kitchen and he still continued to yell at the top of his lungs from his room. I asked him to calm down and stop yelling. After that, the only thing that worked was me getting on the phone with the police.

(In the past) it would be loud enough where the kids would run down the hall and hide in their covers, or we would leave and go to a hotel, or drive in the dark and come back later when I thought he was calm.


As far as the job situation, there are LOTS of red flags going on there due to the fact that she would rather separate than find another job. That is alarming, especially since she was not willing to separate until that became an issue.

What are the red flags? I would love to know. Actually I felt for a long time that we need to separate and have asked my husband to leave on several occasions so that I would not have to drag our kids outside of their home. He would say he would have nowhere to go, he would have no one to help him with medical appointments, neither of us could afford to do so financially, etc. And with all the hurt, I still love him and listen to all the words of change coming eventually.

The insecurity is not changing but getting stronger. The anger may be changing. The angry outburst was not there the other day but from the words he posts today this is not a man who loves his wife.

Everyone that desires to keep a certain job should not be automatically labeled as cheating. I also don�t think if I were cheating, I would be excited on the days my family goes to work with me or even ask them if they would like to ride. I don�t think I would be telling him about who came by and for what.

Who all works for her parents? Any men?
I will answer this question since he did not. No men work for my parents. I am the paid help. Yes, a guy came to fix the refrigerator. Did I cheat with him? No. Yes, a guy came out to put an ac in their window. Did I cheat with him? No. Yes, a guy came out with my brother to fix plumbing issues. Did I cheat with him? No. Yes a guy called parents home to help with auto repair and I spoke with him over the phone. Did I cheat with him? No. Yes, my nephews have come by with a friend and picked up things and left. Did I cheat with him? No. My other nephew has had a guy friend wait for him outside in his car until he came out and left. Did I cheat with him? No. The insurance man use to come around and collect their payments. Did I cheat with him? No. Does my cousin come by for dad to carry him to town? Yes. Did I cheat with him? No.

I guess this information should have never been shared with a person who has insecurity issues. But I did not want him to have those thoughts and it has not worked.

I have tried to do every suggestion offered to me to help him with his insecurity but nothing has worked.

Have you written Dr Harley as was suggested? Since he is familiar with your situation it is important that you bring him up to date and get his counsel.

The only man I have been trying to impress is you and nothing is working. When I started working again I was so excited to buy all of us an outfit here and there and fix myself up some. I have tried to explain this to you time and time again that it is about me feeling better about myself and hoping you would find it attractive as well.

But you think the worse of me and it is shows in your writings. I feel sad for us because this is not love. I do not want this for me anymore, do not want this for you anymore, and do not want this for our kids anymore.

No other man is in my life! No other interest! No nothing.

I only want you but am tired of waiting for you to want me back.

Me not being willing to quit my job does not mean I do not love you. I don�t understand why you are not proud of me. Yes my job has been challenging but so have all my past jobs.

I have never asked you to quit any of your jobs knowing you were around women. I trusted you. Why can�t you do the same?

I did write them today before going to work.

Str22one, there are alot of problems here and one of the most glaring is your attitude about your job and your demands for "trust." It is clear you place this job before your marriage, which is a major problem. You seem to believe you are entitled to ask your husband to stop behavior that upsets you, but don't believe he has the same right. That is certainly not how Marriage Builders works.

Rather than discuss this here and escalate the issues, please just hold off until you speak to Dr Harley. He knows your situation and can help you and your husband navigate the problems.

Please let us know when you hear back.

Was this yours and your H's show?
Radio Clip of str22one & cas98per's Show

But on this site they always are. ALWAYS.

Is your husband welcome to check up on you in any way he desires? Even without your knowledge?

Trust is a feeling that YOU create.

Are you doing Marriage Builders, or some other marriage program? Dr. Harley never diagnoses a person as having "insecurity issues."

My wife checks up on me all the time. As a result, she trusts me.

When I talked like this, I was in the middle of an affair.

Your attitude is very suspicious, and it's no wonder your husband feels insecure.

Nobody has "labeled" you anything.
Your behavior is very suspicious. If your behavior is sending up red flags to anonymous people on the internet, it's no wonder your husband is beside himself.

If you are innocent, I suggest you take steps to stop the suspicious behavior and instill trust in your husband.

I am just a third party observer who has listened to your radio show and read your posts on this forum. With what I know, I would never trust you. You are not being trustworthy. Your conclusions do not make sense. Nobody who really is serious about their marriage puts their job first. It's not like I have personally never thought about this. I had to leave a professional PhD-level career because the interest of my marriage was compromised by continuing in it. You see, it is more about what you do than what you say. You can talk any line you want, but if in the end keeping that job is so much more important to you than your marriage, then any thinking person would just have to wonder why.