"Honey, I love you, and I don't want to abuse you with DJs anymore. From now on, if I DJ you, I want you to call me on it AND I want you to report it to Dr. Harley and our coach. I will not debate you with questions of "why?" I will accept whatever you say is a DJ, and I will stop whatever I'm doing or saying immediately, and we will not continue until you feel safe."

Start making a list today of every way your wife has said you disrespectfully judge her. Keep the list with you at all times and add to it. Review it daily, and recommit daily to ending all the behavior on the list.

If you are really serious about eliminating disrespect, and would like some accountability, post it here.

I do not believe there is anyone here on the forum that is intentionally trying to hurt or attack anyone. But yet we see "mental masturbation" type remarks. What do you call that? Love? Ain't feelin' it. Sorry. Doesn't work with me toward my wife. WILL NOT WORK WITH YOU TO ME. I'll save you the big font.

DQ, this isn't directed to you. It just seems like a good place to say it:

I understand that the forum gets a lot of hard headed men who you may feel like you have to "straighten out". I figure that, like parole officers, law enforcement, counselors, etc. that y'all may become affected by dealing with all of those knot heads. I am suggesting that maybe you should consider toning it down a notch with the sarcastic, negative crap. IT IS NOT PRODUCTIVE. STOP IT! JUST STOP IT! LOL.

And specifically, if you feel like it is your calling on the forum to "straighten me out", through that kind of negativity then no. I do NOT need that brand of help. There may be some point in the future where I can look that deep for a morsel, but today ain't the day.

And give me a break. If you are going to dish it, don't complain when it comes back from those of us who haven't been "reformed" yet.


I absolutely do want guidance. My thing is that it seems like people get bent out of shape if you ask any follow-up questions or dig into anything. It is as if they are being really defensive about clarification of their point. I don't get that. I understand being respectful in discussion but I don't get this attitude of "Hey, that was my word from on high. Who are you to ask a follow-up, you little minion?" As I have said in this very thread, I would like to learn a way around this ("this" meaning my method of discussion).


That is perceptive. And a truth that isn't intuitive to me. I will try to remember to be guided by that.


Aw, c'mon. Lighten up. Isn't that part of your message? Lighten up? And Melody's?

So, the mental masturbation type comments and the yelling. That's how she talks to her husband? I doubt that.

Before we go any further. Just for anyone who may have missed it:

I am VERY interested in help
It is NOT my desire to "debate"
I probably DO process things differently than you do sometimes
I am VERY interested in being thankful
I am VERY interested in listening
I appreciate your patience
I am doing my best to learn to communicate better on the forum
I want to respect you and your opinions and expect the same
I want to be encouraged and to encourage others
I want to change anything in me that will produce a better life for my wife, myself, my family, and those around me

You have no place judging my resolve or progress unless you knew me prior to 2012. You have no place judging my resolve anyway, actually.

I love my wife and I am committed to the MB plan to achieve the MB ideals for our marriage. If it doesn't meet your time schedule, tough. She is all that matters

I understand I can't change her, educate her or analyze her, but can only meet her emotional needs and allow her to meet mine.

Adjustments welcome.

Now you are getting it! So will you STOP IT? If you want to effectively turn your marriage around that is exactly what you need to do. Don't give yourself permission to "progress;" give yourself permission to STOP IT. Stop yakking and start acting.



We will see if that is true. So far, we see a lot of talk, talk, talk and no action. What are you doing to change your behavior? If you are serious about wanting guidance then we should see a change in behavior. Otherwise it is all just talk. As they say in Texas, money talks and bullsh** walks. In other words, you need to back your talk with actions.


Of course not. But last I checked, I am not married to you.

My comment wasn't meant to be taken literally. You copied/pasted my DAD'S statement. Did you even realize that? You are projecting things onto me. Not observing. No way that you can observe from such a limited view. It makes me question your perspective. And certainly doesn't foster the kind of trust Markos suggests.


So it's a good thing that this post isn't representative of our life. Does it show I need work on DJ? Sure. Which I am DOING WHILE I TALK ABOUT IT, by the way. Literally by text right now with her, working on a POJA. We JUST started on the DJ lesson, for pete's sake.


Well, good. I think I might be barely salvageable being a week into it.

Of course I don't want pain. We've both had plenty of that. I don't want to cause Azurite pain either. We both WANT to fly right.

Great! So you will stop the DJs today?

Great! So you will commit to ending the disrespectful judgements? Are you willing to do these two things?:



If you do those two things, you will go a long way.

Yes, I know you were quoting your father. But, as I pointed out, you have also been saying the same thing on this thread. I don't need any special insight to read your own words.

But it is. You DJ her all the time. That is the pressing thing in your marriage.

Then start listening. When someone points out a mistake, don't fight back. Write it down on the list I told you to make, and learn.

You do realize you could have never read past page 1, right? Never posted? LOL I'll stop when you stop.




Yep. I get the saying even without the explanation. I'll send you a YouTube video about doubters when I have achieved MB greatness.


EXACTLY. Nor I to you. Thank God.

One of us really can stop now. We sound like my kids.

You people need a vacation.

I do have another question.

<Everyone pelts Erastis with random objects>

If I wanted to be so foolish as to ask a question about a totally different topic, should I start a new thread or just keep massively tacking on to this one. Seeing as we have a shortage of pages and all?

Again, if it is TOTALLY not related to this. Totally. Not even in the same ZIP code.

Your two main problems are:
1. You are argumentative
2. You are disrespectful

These are the two things you need to stop. Your marriage doesn't have much hope if you do not stop these two things. The longer you put off stopping these two things, the more pain you cause your wife.

Assuming you are referring to these things being done toward Azurite, I welcome (request) you, or any of you here, to point out on my future posts any specific DJ toward my wife. That would be very helpful. Not generalizations. It only takes a few seconds to quote the DJ.

That is worded perfectly. Even though they are "just words", as everyone has so abundantly pointed out, I think it would be a tiny bit encouraging for Azurite to hear it. I think I've said all of that but not that well. Thanks for the words.

Do you badger your wife this way?

Because I'm exhausted reading this. So much twisting, so much sarcasm. your poor wife.

Erastis-

When your wife says, I don't feel comfortable with x,y,z...

Don't complain, don't criticize, don't pressure, don't talk about how her stance will cause you to miss out on something you want, just accept it.

One very small exception would be to ask,

Is there any condition under which you Would be enthusiastic?

If not, then your next step is drop that pathway altogether and brainstorm for ALTERNATIVES that could work for both of you.

Do not tell your wife the "proper"way to negotiate. That is disrespectful. If she told you she didn't want to do something (in this case prepare a meal for a bunch of people) then discusses what would be acceptable to her, she is negotiating.

Negotiation is a method by which people settle differences. It is a process by which compromise or agreement is reached while avoiding argument and dispute.

You need to review POJA. I getthe impressionthat you keep talking and questioning your wife to find a hole in her argument by which to you can make her do what you want, or maybe in hopes she gives up. This is why we tell people not to argue. Argumention is an adversarily technique in which one side loses, by definition.

You are to look for win-win agreements.

THIS.