But focus on the poly for now and go the licensing pressure route later to keep her from contacting him.

Has he changed his contact information?

So far, we have only traded phones.

He bas not written NC letter yet. I haven't asked him yet.

For past 2 days, I've gotten gps and VAR in the 2 cars he drives
I spent last 2 nights exposing to about 70 people. I still have about 40 more targets

We are doing a polygraph at 3pm today.

I am scared. That is what I have done in last 48 hours. We have both retired. I an 63 years old and he is 59. We have an acre of land where we spend our daytime ours working. At night, we take dance classes and go out on dates

My 3 children are adults.

I had open heart surgery 8 months ago and had 2 mechanical valves. I still have very bad A Fib. I'm trying to do the best I can. I am hurt and depressed because he ACTED like he was in love with me. We had fun and no it's hard to fake being happy. Who wants to be with a depressed person.

I thank you for caring enough to write.

Thinking of today during the polygraph. Hope all goes well.

Thank you Brainy. Not sure if you can find radio show from 2012 or 2013. His name is John and he spoke to dr Harley about being tracked is gps

You should see your doctor. You need help with the stress.

I will look.

If I recall correctly I thought I posted it to your old thread?

How did the polygraph go?

Ques #1. Has he had any form of sex with her in last 5 years. No sex except kissing.
He PASSED

Ques #2. Has he had any emotional/sexual affairs other than the 8 years with the skank?
No, he has not. He passed

Ques #3. Has he been truthful about answering all my 60 questions that I have asked him

This one showed deception. He hadn't told me had kept some of the momentous she had given him. After he admitted to it when the polygrapher tester asked him if there was any other deception on all 60 questions he passed why would he be ok in telling me much more hateful things and not admit to a momento. I have not been crying or screaming

I still feel so sad.

Well, the hardest part is over. Do you feel now that you have the full truth? Have you gone through the full checklist and affair proofed in every way? One red flag I did see is that he has the same email address and phone #. There should be no way for her to get in touch with him. Can you see to that?

The next big focus should be creating a romantic, passionate marriage. Do you know HOW? Do you know these next steps?

He still doesn't want to send no contact letter. He says we called her together and that should be enough. Sometimes he is so sweet but other times I don't feel he is as remorseful as he should be.

I start questioning myself. I don't want to be a sucker again. I am exhausted but working on the exposure letters tonight. He so cold sometimes I wonder if I should try and save this marriage. Other times , he is sweet as can be. I feel like I'm going crazy and sometimes I think about not taking the heart medications I need and calling it quits. I am so overwhelmingly sad I can't see straight

Have you printed the checklist and handed to him?

I'm sorry you're feeling sad.

Have you spoken with your doctor about temporary ADs?

The no contact letter is a good will gesture FOR YOU. This is part of making amends to you. It is up to you to decide what is "enough," not him.


PLEASE call your doctor this morning and ask him to prescribe anti-depressants.

Would your husband come here and post to us? We could support you by posting to him. If he will, I would want you to email the moderators FIRST and ask them to remove this thread. He doesn't need to read this thread.

I will call my doctor today and will get antidepressants because I have so much pain and I want it to go away.

5 years ago after DDay #1, my husband and I would listen to Marriage Builders Radio. I thought he liked it. He is not much of a reader and has only read Surviving an Affair because I asked him. At this point, he would never post.

He answered my questions and passed the polygraph except that one question. After he came clean about the momentous, the polygraph examiner asked him many times in different forms if there was any more deception or if there was any more info that he is hiding and he passed


I am happy he came clean but I don't understand why I still feel so yucky inside. He insists that it is me that can't forgive. I did let him know I had triggers during the 5 years between Dday #1 and 1week ago, DDay #2. I have made my own mistakes. When I needed heart surgery last October, MD took mr off hormone replacement. He was worried about strokes in addition to my 2 heart valves not working well. This made sex impossible.

He told me that sex wasn't important and just be concerned with getting strong. Sexual penetration felt like a knife being turned inside me. Right now I am at the gynecologist going to try "MonaLisa treatment". It's 3 laser treatments that's supposed to toughen my vaginal tissue. I don't know what emotional need I wasn't meeting for him but I feel this was one although he repeatedly told me that cuddling with me made him happy

He did pass polygraph that he had no sex with her in the past 5 years but the thought of OW in my life hurts so bad. I just don't know how to get past it

You had a super polygraph tester! Good for him weeding this out.



Of course you can't forgive. What is there to "forgive?" The onus is on him to provide you just comenpensation; it is NOT on you to "forgive." Forgiveness is not appropriate in this situation. For him to demand forgiveness reflects an entitled attitude. He needs to focus on helping you, not demanding undeserved "forgiveness," GOOD GRIEF.


Here is how you get past it: you work together to create a passionate, romantic marriage. When you are happy in the present, your mind doesnt go to the past.

You are closer to happiness TODAY than you have been in years. While you are in pain today, it was necessary to rip out the weeds by their roots. I believe you have done that.

I saw the MD today. He started me on anti anxiety med. that helps me sleep. I understand that my husband had an affair because he had opportunity and I wasn't meeting a need or 2. I do believe he doesn't want to get a divorce because he could have done that anytime in the last 8 years. Seems like he needed/wanted both of us. Why? I try to fake happiness so we can have a decent day, buy why did he do it.

I just had one of the members from her work organization call me. She received the exposure letter. She asked me why go this route. Her husband and boyfriend both cheated on her so she called me to get "the lowdown". She couldn't believe that a therapist would advise me to "expose". I shared some of my reliefs as she shared Buddhist beliefs on forgiveness and then I thanked her for calling. Although she doesn't know OW well, she forwarded my letter to OW.

My husband has been transparent. I have his phone in my lap. I have all his passwords. Today I mailed the last 75+ letters to the realtor organization club members where she is president. Do you think she'll physically come after me. I almost welcome it. I feel she's been laughing at me figuratively. I still cannot find any contact between her and my husband. Since its been 8 years of an affair, is exposing her going to be enough to scare her that I will do everything in my power to share her affair to people she know. I've exposed it to 170 people. Shall I call it a day or there are other organizations that she belongs to and I haven't exposed to.

Right now we are going for 2 days on an overnight mini vacation. My husband is trying so hard to be nice but I have such a hard time believing him. I try to be nice but at the same time protecting my heart.

Advice welcome from all

Good for you!!!


Oh no, he would have had an affair even if you had met his needs 1000%. The reason he had the affair is because he has poor boundaries around women and because he had ample opportunity to do it. The affair was never ended properly years ago so it just dragged out.

If you learn to do a super job of meeting his needs, he will STILL have another affair if the environment that led to the affair does not change.


Stop faking happiness. He needs to learn to MAKE you happy so you will want to stay married. BUT, you should not lovebust him and you should not keep talking about the affair.

He needs to work really hard on becoming the best husband he can be if he wants to save this marriage.


Good!!


You did a super job of exposing so I would put that aside and move forward.


Is he usually not nice? How does he typically treat you?

Very glad you are getting away for a short trip.

My husband usually does treat me well. that was Why I thought the affair for the last 5 years was over. From 2008 til 2011, I worked lots of hours on my career and traveled throughout the US teaching. When I found out about the affair and Marriage Builders, I quit traveling. I snooped but not enough because we felt so close. We had dates, had fun, cuddled in bed and he would initiate how much he loved me and how beautiful I was.

The polygraph showed he was telling the truth that he had no sex any which way in the last 5 years. What could he possibly have gotten out of the affair. Thrill of the chase??? In October 2016 I had open heart surgery. I was in the hospital for almost 3 weeks. Polygraph says no deception when I asked him if he spent the night with her when I was in the hospital.

Is any of this relevant. He says he doesn't know why he continued seeing her for so long but the "why really bugs me".

Since October I am retired. When I say he's nicer, I mean he REALLY complements me WAY MORE than usual. Why, why, why? I dress pretty always, good makeup, good hair, good weight. Most people say I look 10 or 15 years younger than 63. Why wasn't I enough?

You've said not to fake being happy.

Today on vacation, we're having a pretty good time but then it pops into my head that he is such a skillful deceiver. Since he passed the polygraph, are you suggesting trust but verify, institute extraordinary precautions.

Help me how do I let it go bi feel he's trying but I'm so distrustful

You are supposed to be distrustful of untrustworthy people. You are protected now because you have extraordinary precautions in place. As time goes by and he demonstrates he has CHANGED, your trust will grow.

Just remember not to talk about it. Try to relax and have a good time.