Your job now is to keep up with all of your snooping. Each time that you listen to the VAR recordings and hear nothing to worry about, YOU will feel a little bit safer.

This is still so fresh for you, but try your best to stop thinking about the whys or the hows. I did it too, for a very long time...and it only made me feel worse. Do your best to focus on today and tomorrow.

I don't want to have so much hate in my heart. Even though my husband did such hurtful things for nine years, because I do love him, I do think that we may someday be able to recover.

Truthfully, every morning When I wake up the other woman pops into my head and I actually have so much dislike and pray at the Karma bus it's her heart. That may or may not happen. I will never know if she even suffers as a result of the exposure that I have done.

My question is how do I keep my head from wishing bad things to happen to her? When I confronted her nine days ago, she just kind of laughed in my face and told me that's my problem.

Isn't that a natural reaction after what she did to you? Actually, she did a very bad thing to herself too, by engaging in nefarious activities that will ruin her reputation. You are helping her face the consequences by exposing her. The hate you feel today will fade with time. She did a horrible thing to you, so it is not surprising you hate her. After awhile that will fade.

Melody,

I'm sorry if this is wrong, but I am obsessed with letting all the individual she is friends with to know about the affair. She is a real estate agent, President of the local chapter of her real estate group. she is the past professional figure skater and a current professional skating coach with 1000 Facebook friends. I have contacted the 150 members of her local chapter where she is president, I have contacted the board of the directors of the national organization of her real estate group. I have contacted the figure skating judges she works with.

I want her to know not to f--- with me. I truly respect your opinion. My husband gave her a hand gun, a shot gun all registered in her name. He gave her the sane gifts as me. I have four granddaughters and I was collecting for Italian Dodo bracelets to give to my granddaughters when I passed away. I hate her. I know that you send those gifts for garbage and I agree but I don't want her to have them. I have expose turn to at least 200 people now. If I Google her name, there are a lot more people that are associated with her that I could expose her to. For the last few days I have asked her to return the gifts that my has been gave her and I would be happy to stop exposing her. She just ignores me I know that the gifts are garbage and I don't plan on keeping them. It would make me happy to throw them in the trash and to know that she doesn't have them. Is this So wrong of me. I hate her for what she's gotten away with for so many years. While for me to want to get some justice? Am I crazy?

BW, you have been dealing with this skank for 8 years so I can understand your anger, but you can't allow those feelings to push you to do something that is going to harm you. Making threats can come back to bite you. Please stop contacting her and exposing. You have done a thorough job of exposure and now is the time to move onto next steps. The sooner you do that, the sooner your marriage will recover.

Now is the time to change your focus to fixing your marriage.

Ok. I will stop exposing and move on.

Thank you. I will try to focus on being a good wife and try not to think of her. It's just been so many years. I am so very tired but I so appreciate all the volunteers on marriage builders that help so many of us floundering. I will start swimming today

You need to ask your doctor again about ADs.

Focus also on making sure your husband is a good husband.

Do you guys exchange love busters worksheets?

Has your husband worked through material on good conversation and on affection?

You might fill out Dr. Harley's "marital problem analysis" form and prioritize some things your husband can do to increase your happiness.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4506_mpa.html

Amen! Now is the time he needs to bring his "A" game...

I exposed last week and only got one phone call.

However, today, I got an email from a good friend of the OW. I know they were good friends because the OW's facebook page was open to the public although now she has blocked me. This Person that sent the email "liked" many of her posts.

This is the email that she sent me:

[b]Dear BikerWife

"I have received multiple letters and emails from you at different addresses. I have thought about this for a while before reaching out to you. I find the situation quite curious, although I have nothing invested.

I have a question for you. Do you think that damaging someone's else's reputation will fix your personal problems? Is that your motivation? And why?

I do look forward to your response."[/b]


How do you think I should respond to this person???
I am still hurting a great deal. Its been only 13 days since DDay#2

Thank you for your help. It is comforting that you care and I truly believe in the Marriage Builders philosophy.

BW[i][/i]

Dear friend of OW, thank you for responding. Nothing I do would damage OW's reputation more than her own behavior with my husband. If you are a true friend, you will encourage her to stop doing things that wreck her reputation. Best wishes, Bikerwife

Thank you, Melody Lane.

You have a wonderful style with words and writing that message to the OW's friend brought a smile to my lips!

BW

you are welcome!

Sometimes, I think I'm going crazy and my brain gets confused.

Melody Lane said to me that even if I was meeting my husband's needs 100% there is still a possibility that he could have an affair. Poor boundaries???? and not having extraoridinary precautions in place?

I want to focus on having the best marriage possible, but I still feel that I don't know how t behave. I keep wondering, "WHY"????

What is it that made him risk everything? If you'll recall, he has a sexual affair for many months in 2011. From 2012 til 2 weeks ago, we were in a false recovery. He behaved so convincingly in love with me. We did so many fun things together. After snooping so much and reading on Marriage Builders every day for 5 years, I never found anything or sensed anything in my gut.

He took the polygraph which he passed where there was no sex in the last 5 years and I defined EVERY kind of sex by name and the polygraph examiner said no deception.

I really want to believe him (of course, I am suspicious of everything). Have many methods of snooping that he does not know about, exposed profusely, but still my body is not calm. I have to take anti anxiety meds to try and sleep.

Do I need to wonder this question??? What was he thinking that he would continue to see this woman for 8 years. My gut says he's telling me the truth that he wants to stay together, BUT FOR THE past 5 years I never sensed anything even though I snooped.

How can I know that I am not in another false recovery again???

I know I should just read SAA and listen to what the words in the book say, but I do have a best friend that says something like this: If I don't find the reason he went to her for 8 years, it will happen again. If not with her, someone else.

Help me. I feel like I'm going crazy and cannot trust him. I know that you said in time after much snooping and not finding anything and making the best marriage possible, I will have a good life again. I just don't know how to take it one day at a time. I have so much anxiety and distrust. I can't get over how sneaky he WAS (IS??) and yet I feel like I love "how I thought he was". I am so confused and scared and feel like I'm drowning.

BW

Bikerwife, I never saw an answer to this. Could you please respond?

Hi Markos,

After DJ number one about eight months later I found marriage builders and introduced to my husband. I bought the books which I read all cover to cover. I asked my husband to do the same, But he really only read a chapter or 2. We used to carpool to work together and we would listen to marriage builders radio and he was on the show in 2012 Unbeknownst to me it was a faults recovery for the next five years and he came to hate marriage builders because I would read the form every single day and listen to the radio. I surmise that he hated it because it reminded him that he was still having an affair. Now that he appears to be sorrowful, he still doesn't want to do marriage builders with me. What do I do?

We KNOW the reason. He allowed another woman to meet his needs and he became addicted to her. Since the affair was largely kept secret, it was allowed to linger on. He had the opportunity to see her at his business. The difference now is that you have exposed the affair and run this skank off. BUT, if he continues to have opposite sex friendships and has opportunities, this can happen again.

Does he have opposite sex friendships? Does he have opportunities to have an affair?


That is not a sign you are "crazy;" it is a sign you are a rational person. you would be insane to trust an untrustworthy person.


Are you taking care of yourself? I know when I cheat on my diet, I feel extremely anxious. I realize your circumstances have caused this anxiety but are you doing everything in your power to mitigate the damage?

Bikerwife, I would print out for him Dr. Harley's article on Just Compensation and ask him to read it. Afterward ask him if he is willing to compensate you for his affair.

If he says no he is not willing to make just compensation for his affair, or if he is unwilling to read the article, I would tell him to hit the road. Dr. Harley says you can't recover with a wayward husband who is unwilling to do the work. You need to heal - you are his victim who is lying there bleeding and if he is not going to do the work to help you then you need to get away from him and get the help you need to heal on your own.

If he says he is willing to make just compensation to you, then tell him that's going to mean doing Marriage Builders and that you expect him to read Surviving an Affair right away and talk to Dr. Harley on his radio show right away. If he balks at this, again, I would tell him to hit the road.

If you have read and listened and been on the forum, then you must know that Dr. Harley says your marriage cannot recover unless he is there repentant hat in hand, ready to do what it takes to heal you.

It's time for you to heal, bikerwife.

Him hating Marriage Builders is not nearly so much a problem as you hating him because of what he has done to you!

Him saying he hates Marriage Builders means that he hates having to live a life that keeps you safe.

Unless he knocks that crap off really quick this is going to get worse.

Tell him to hit the road. He is wasting your time if he won't do Marriage Builders with you. Unless he jumps through hoops to recover your marriage, he will destroy your mental health. No wonder you are struggling so badly. Just ending his affair, crying crocodile tears ["sorrowful"] but sitting there like a lump on a log will not save your marriage. He needs to be a SUPERMAN of marriage recovery.