Hi everyone

I'm sorry for such a long post...

I've been reading the MB website, listening to the radio archive and reading the forum posts in the hope that I can find something that will help me in anyway. At the moment, I am totally confused and am not sure which way to turn. I know that the forum is geared up for wives, but I'm writing this in the hope that someone will also help me as a husband.

**EDIT**

One of the biggest problems I see is that you have female friends and it bothers your wife (it would bother any wife) but you act like she shouldn't be upset. That must be devastating for her.

I'm not sure where you got this notion. This forum is here for either gender. I, myself, have received a great deal of very good advice from this forum.

The two of you need a plan. I would strongly suggest you write to Dr. Harley and his wife Joyce to help you with that plan. They will read your letter on the air and answer questions you present or you could even be on the radio show as a caller/callers and get direct advice from them. There is no better person in this world to help you with your situation than Dr. Harley. And the best thing is that it's free!!!

Write to mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

To answer your question of separating. If the situation became abusive, violent then yes you were right to move out. Dr. Harley advises people to separate if there is abuse. The #1 concern is safety, obviously. Even in the case of non-physical actions like angry outbursts he condones a separation if they continue.

I agree. Although at the time, I perceived everything to be work like and innocent, it quickly transpired to me that she did not see it that way. I think she saw it as a betrayal.

I have to give credit where it is due: my wife was totally loyal, loving and kind. At the start of our marriage, we were broke and I was the sole earner. She took care of the household chores by herself and made the best of what we had. She became an outstanding cook and would go to great lengths to "make me happy". That's the phrase that she uses.

I'm thinking that she gave it all, and I took it all. And now, maybe she simply has had enough of it all. She looks tired and worn out and I probably didn't see any of it coming. It's a tough lesson for me, and I fear it is one that may be too late.

Thank you for pointing this out. I'm finding that support for wives (especially in my situation where the word "abuse" is used) far overwhelms that for husbands. I may be wrong, but the feeling that I get is that if your wife says "abuse" (the A-word), then the authorities immediately treat you as being guilty. In fact, my wife told me that she attended a center for women in this way (I'm trying desperately to avoid using the A-word as it is painful for me), and they immediately told her that I would tell her "not to mention the past" (this is denial, avoidance and covering-up), that I would be a nice guy (split personality) and that I would tell her that I would do everything to get back together (manipulation). The police also told her that perpetrators (that's me) never change and that I would try to wriggle back into her life and then it would all happen again. How can any husband make progress in the face of such adversity? It simply astounds me that someone in authority can make a stereotypical statement like that to her - she is very impressionable and has now taken on the mindset and the language of an abused wife.

23, to be honest, most husbands who come here are somewhat abusive and don't even know it. I would definitely encourage you to describe your situation to Dr. Harley and ask if, in his professional opinion, he believes you are abusive.

There's frequently abuse on both sides.

It sounds like your wife's Giver allowed her to sacrifice for you, making massive withdrawals from your account in her love bank over the years, until her feelings for you are extremely negative.

Have you read Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts?

Before I go ahead and write, I have two questions:

(1) I've been listening to the radio archives and perceive that one of Dr Harley's main points about suspicions of affairs be they physical or emotional is that the affected spouse does not bring up the subject once it has been fully discussed. We have been through a great deal of pain talking about what has happened to us especially regarding work colleagues. The key issue was that my wife is many years my senior and she felt had that the females were younger than her. That was all discussed - but she will not stop discussing and cussing about it.

Now, if I follow Dr H's advice by suggesting that we do not bring up the subject, then surely I will be doing what my wife has been told is one of the symptoms of an abusive husband? That is to try to avoid the problem and/or cover-up. Or have I misunderstood Dr H's advice?

(2) I moved out of our home because I felt that the violence was too much. She's petite and I'm physically stronger, so I had to go. I've had lots of time for examination of what has happened and she has also convinced me that it must also be to do with me not facing-up to arguments and not being able to negotiate. My question is: the longer we are separated, the worse the situation becomes. We used to be in constant communication, now it is difficult. I'm finding it difficult to come to terms with the benefit of separation. I have a gut feeling that it will eventually lead to D. So why would Dr H suggest something that goes against the principles of happiness and marriage? Again, I don't understand.

By the way 23, I was an abusive husband when I first came here.

23, I'd suggest you put those two questions to Dr. Harley as well, but lower priority.

Yes thank you Markos, I've become very aware of these concepts and am fully on board. However 23 years is a long, long time for all the withdrawals. She did mention something that the police told her that she "gave, gave and gave" and I took it all. But, how can I repair it? We are separated an in Plan B.

The more that I write, the more it dawns on me the immensity of the task. In my case, I envisage that the Love Bank is sitting on top of an iceberg, with a vast chasm of an overdraft underneath the surface. How can such an overwhelming task be accomplished?

What do you mean "we are separated and in plan B"? Plan B is something one spouse does. Is she refusing to see or talk to you? You are not refusing to see or talk to her, are you?

Have you written Dr. Harley yet?

Maybe I'm raw on the terminology that I should use, so please correct me if I'm mistaken.

We have separated. I moved out and she stayed in the home. That was a month ago. Two weeks after I moved, we had no contact and she then reported the conflict that caused me to move out to the authorities. They told me to back off and not make contact or go anywhere near the house or her. In the last week, I have been allowed to see her but only in public places. Police say that if I'm alone with her and something happens, she will call them and I'll be arrested. Is this a twisted form of Plan B? Maybe I was wrong to call it Plan B.

If she wanted me to move in right now today, I would. But, I'm careful about her emotions - she is very emotional. Do you think it is best for me to keep away? How long for? I have taken up counseling for domestic abuse perpetrators which starts at Christmas. Should I wait until then before making greater attempts at contact? I'm lost on this and don't want to mess up.

I have not written the letter to Dr H yet as I don't waste his valuable time with trivial and non-consequential events, so want to take time over it.

I would write him immediately and get his professional assistance. You are in a bit of a precarious situation now that the authorities are involved and he'll know best on how you should move forward.

He'll need to hear the details of where you are at and from there he'll devise a plan for you.

What have you done that she calls abuse?

Please write Dr. Harley so we can see what his direction here is. We will help support you in that direction.

Today has not been very productive but I'm making progress with the letter. However, I feel that we are about to quit from making any progress. An update...

Late yesterday, I put my phone on silent so that I could work. She had been trying to contact me. She then came to my apartment to see how I was. She was going call the authorities as she thought I had killed myself. When she found that I was safe, she then said that I had taken again from her and taken advantage of her good nature. The diatribe that followed consisted of: I'm an emotional abuser, the five (yes five - all simultaneously) affairs I was meant to have, the fact that she gave her life for me, I am also meant to have slept with more females in the time we have been separated and so on. She talked about divorce and said that if we were ever to get back together she "swears here and now" that sexual intimacy will never happen.

I am at my wits end. I took a day from work and this is getting into my sleep and my eating routines. Without wishing to sound defeatist, I feel that we are heading into legal territory here and that I will be wasting Dr Harley's valuable time.

Could you answer this?

If none of this is true, offer to take a polygraph.