I agree Unwritten. Thank you.

If he is innocent, he will jump at the chance.

I know you're right. It seems like an extreme thing to ask. I'm not arguing how it would help. I don't feel right asking. If I suspected a PA or even an actual EA, I would ask. But at this point, I suspect that he was enjoying the admiration of other women, which still hurts me, but isn't enough to ask for a polygraph.

Still thinking on this though.

Unwritten, were your husband's red flags along the same lines as my husband's? Or worse? Trying to figure out if this is a reasonable request in our situation.

It's awkward. It's embarrassing. But it's the first step towards a new relationship. This is what people in good marriages do. Honest! Prisca checks up on me any time she feels like it, and vice versa. She doesn't have to suspect anything.


Of course it's a reasonable request! It's always a reasonable request for married people to want to know something about each other.

It is certainly enough to ask for a polygraph.

When I suspected markos of improper boundaries (and possibly worse) because he was acting suspicious with his computer, I started spying on him to find out what was going on. All I had were suspicions and uneasy feelings, just like you. He eventually found out that I was spying. His reaction was to do anything to prove his innocence -- he OFFERED to take a polygraph.

There are plenty of red flags in your case to ask for a polygraph.

The worst thing that could happen when you ask for a polygraph is that he will blow up. Which will be very telling.

Innocent people don't blow up and argue when asked about a polygraph. A husband who is innocent will jump at the chance to put his wife's mind at ease.

Trust your gut. You have those feelings for a reason -- they are designed to protect you.







Yes, you do have every right. And you should claim that right.

Thanks so much Prisca and Markos. You've given me a lot to think about. It is embarrassing and awkward but the advice I've gotten here has helped me so much, so I know this is important.

Tonight while out to dinner together a woman (and her friend) came up to our table and turned toward my husband and kept repeating his name, holding up her hands and said "what the heck!"

She said she hadn't seen him in months in the recreation class he used to do, and she misses him and had no idea what happened to him. My husband then introduced us, saying "you two met once in class."

This woman continued to tell me she was hurt he just stopped going, after getting her to go to other studios/instructors around town. She said the longest she'd seen him absent was during winter when she knew he hurt his ribs snowboarding.

From the conversation, I learned that they'd been meeting up at classes together most weekdays, that he's known her for a year or two, and they obviously are friends, though she did not have his contact info since she didn't know what happened to him.

He never once mentioned her name to me before tonight. She was in class one time that I was there too and my husband did introduce us then, but that was over a year ago. He never told me he had a friend he was getting to know and meeting her in rec class daily. When I told him I was not ok and upset and wanted to go home, he told me he did nothing wrong and I have no reason to be upset.

Earlier in the evening we'd gotten into an argument when our son asked to have a friend overnight and I told him not tonight since Dad and I had dinner plans. My husband thought we could do both. I told my son I still was not ok with it, since we'd need to discuss what time to turn devices in at night with his friends over, and I didn't want to get into that discussion before leaving for dinner. Son yelled at me when he didn't get his way.

Husband told me later that I make him look like a "wimp" in front of the kids and that I was to blame for our son being upset. I told him I would not sit there and listen to him blame me, so I left our house to go for a drive. My son texted and apologized. My husband was upset with me but we had reservations so I went and he showed up too.

I do think my instincts were right that something wasn't right last year due to female friends at rec class. But I'm certain they did not exchange contact info. I still think the poor boundaries around women and keeping it a secret are not ok. Husband says it was not a secret.

Please advise me on how to handle this, even for tomorrow. Can I tell him I need space from him and ask him to go somewhere for now, until I can stop being so upset? What do I say in the letter if I go into Plan B?

I cant remember, did you check his credit report?

No

Why not?

Because i don't know what to look for, and to me, the issue isn't that he may have spent money, it's that he's been going to this rec class meeting women, and getting to be somewhat close friends with this one, to the point where she misses him and was hurt he just stopped going. He kept this from me.

We had a long talk last night in which he apologized for hurting me. I told him that i have questions he needs to answer and I'd like him to take a polygraph. He agreed to one, told me he didnt mention this woman because he didn't think it was important. Said he didn't invite me to join this rec class because i already had my own workout going and he felt that working out for an hour would not be bonding time together. He said he will never make this mistake again. He told me he only talked to other people in class a few minutes before and after class. He told me that he loves me more than anything and that he is so sorry he hurt me. He told me that was never his intention.

Credit reports may tell you about accounts and events of which you were unaware. If he was hiding a SSL, a secret credit card makes that easier.

Did you check all the accounts for unexplained purchases?

I'm glad he is willing to take a poly. What are your questions?

Did you ever get a look at the business computer, etc?

I've checked cc statements, nothing unexplained.

No, I don't have access to his work computer but I can easily drop by unannounced on Monday and ask to look. He told me he wants me to not worry and know that everything is ok, that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him and he loves only me. So he agreed right away to take a poly.

I asked him a list of questions last night, covering every aspect of an EA and/or PA, and SSL. I felt satisfied with his answers, that he was being honest, but the issue is I'm upset about what I know was going on. He answered that this woman ends up practicing next to him once a week, and she goes to classes throughout the week. He answered that he has never had a private conversation with her nor has he talked with her outside of class. He was partnered up with her a maximum of 2 times.

He said he was meeting women, but not with any intention of looking for something with anyone. The community is mostly women and he enjoyed the practice. And they all know he's married.

I don't like this. I believe the above, but I am not ok with it. He wasn't telling me about this person, and she obviously felt a (seemingly platonic) connection with him, but it went way beyond my boundaries for our marriage.

Is he still living this secret second life? Or is he an open book to you now? He doesn't have to agree that it was an emotional affair AS LONG AS he is now transparent and living with strong boundaries.

You need to know about every woman that he talked to and would call "friend." He needs to tell you everything.

You may need to consider moving.

How are his angry outbursts?

To be clear, checking accounts isnt about money, its about honesty and transparency.

I agree with Prisca, you need to consider a move. this woman felt familiar enough to interupt your date. How many times is this now?

Hi Prisca,

No, he's no longer going to rec class or doing anything I don't agree with. However, he didn't tell me about this woman.

I will have him tell me every woman he talked to and would call "friend."

I agree with moving.

I told him I did not want to be around him. I told him that I cannot have him here if he thinks this is ok. He agreed it is not ok and now he knows. But I still feel better when he is not near me.

He does not get irritated with me like he did in the past, but I did tell him it bothers me when we go out to eat and he's unhappy with his food so he gets very quiet and withdrawn. This happened several times a few weeks ago. He agreed to go to a cafe I like and another time he chose the place, I think because he thought I'd like it. Both times he was not happy about his food and it ruined both dates for me. He told me he will not do that anymore and he's sorry.