So you haven't been able to check who/what he's been texting all this time?

That's a huge gaping hole.

There is not another spyware you could install to show the texts? This is the first time I am hearing about spyware that doesn't show texts.

The records won't even show iMessages - so you need to figure out a keylogger that will show you exactly what he's doing on his phone.

SQ, I don't like answering these questions here. I'm not able to get past season info only current. It's the past stuff that I'm wondering about.

Have you tried this?
Recovery of texts on iPhones

If you are concerned about your H reading here, you can set up a 2nd posting name and post over in SAA or the investigation forum.

It's really concerning to me that you don't seem to think you need to be seeing what your H is texting to people currently.

SQ, I can see and I do. But I really want to know about past texts.

Brain, thanks for the link but I've gone over that thread a million times and I can't see how to get access to his phone to physically do that without asking him.

You've been dismissing the snooping advice since Page 1.

39 pages later....and you didn't tell us that you didn't have access to the work email and that you don't have access to see what's being texted - we had to struggle to get this information out of you.

I don't know what it's going to take for this forum to get you to follow this particular advice.

I can assure you I haven't dismissed anyone's advice.

I can see what is being texted now but I can't see what was texted then, without getting his phone from him for a longer period of time than he's usually with it to retrieving past texts.

The work computer is one I do not have access to but I can't be the only one in this situation? So do I tell him full transparency includes my access to everything, and see his reaction?

I don't know what else to do.

Sorry, I think I misunderstood. You can see what he's texting now. And he's not texting any women personally at all, is that right?

The last thing you need is access to his work email.

Why is there an alert set up telling your H if you look at past phone records? I have never heard of such a thing.

Can you take his phone while he's asleep to try to recover the old texts?


Yes ask him for his work email password and see what his reaction is.

I know you're trying to help me- sorry if I wasn't clear.

No, he's not but this isn't sports season and I still feel like he was too warm with this team mom. And they traveled together. And I didn't get access to see texts until after telling him I was not ok with that behavior (touching her arm, sitting with her once, and talking w her more than me at a game). This was while I was at a tourney and there were other weekend tourneys where I wasn't around at all.

And I'm concerned about another thing. Rec class friend told me she was often paired up with my husband. Husband says they were paired up only once or twice. Husband is not warm w this woman at all, but it still bothers me.

Anyway, I know everyone here is right. I'm spinning my wheels until I find out more. I know that. One thing I've taken to heart here- I have every right to know.

SQ, if I login under his pw to view his phone records online it will alert him- I learned this in operation recovery forum here.

Kat, when I suspected my H of having secrets (due to some red flag behavior like yours paired with a gut instinct), I asked him many times about different situations and different people that I was concerned about. Each time he assured me there was nothing inappropriate. But my instinct was telling me something different.

I ended up telling him I needed him to take a polygraph. I told him he didn't have to love the idea, but he had to take it to remain married to me. If he was innocent of any wrongdoing, he would welcome the opportunity to make me feel safe and put suspicians to rest.

After much arguing about it, he finally confessed to having a PA years before. I wasn't on this board yet so didn't follow through with the poly until over a year later, and he had confessions up until the night before the poly, which he then passed.

I believe in my situation I would not have known about his past affair and we would still have that wedge between us, if not for the poly.

I know it seems extreme, but you yourself said you have a right to know. The only reason he would have to not take one, is fear that a SSL was about to be exposed.

Unwritten, that is something I've thought about. My gut is just telling me there was evidence of boundary-crossing somewhere, in my mind an emotional affair.

I have to work up the nerve. He will think I'm crazy to the extreme if he's telling me the truth. I'm afraid telling him that would put a wedge between us.

I know I've reported here about things like being silent/withdrawn, but this week is going really well. We had a wonderful weekend and I feel like there is no wedge. But last spring and summer was awful and I definitely felt a wedge.

Just asked him for pw to view phone records online and work email.

He replied w pw within 20 min. I don't think he's hiding things from me. I do feel better and I'll check the phone records when phone provider's service isn't temporarily down.

Sometimes it's hard to ask the tough question isn't Kat? And yet when you actually do you find you didn't have much to worry about.

It sounds like he's trying to be transparent with you which is a great sign but still doesn't mean he doesn't have something to hide.

For your peace of mind you need to find out the truth. Otherwise it will nag at you forever. Once you know the truth (if there was an EA) then you can work together to move past it.

It's so tough to ask for things that imply I don't trust him. But I felt much better immediately so I'm glad I did.

You all have helped me tremendously with understanding that I have a right to insist on full transparency in my marriage without worrying about looking "insecure" or needy.

I'm still not ready to request a polygraph though.

I always like to say "Trust but validate". If there is a situation where there is something that is making you uneasy if both partners are trying to exhibit extraordinary care then asking someone to validate how they're trustworthy shouldn't be a problem.

The trouble is we aren't all geared to provide extraordinary care. We've grown up learning to be independent and to have freedoms. We become a bit self-centered, selfish. Those do not work well in marriage.

I see your H having learned some of those lessons since you two found MB. He still has a ways to go (as do you about standing up for what you need). It would prove helpful if you could see him as a person that wants to give you that extraordinary care and not someone who is adversarial. That may help you to be more confident when it comes time to ask the hard questions.

Thanks Alias for the encouraging reply.

I definitely see where I have to stand up for what I need without feeling bad about it. He does want to show me great care, and said he wants that for both of us in our marriage.

I'll keep in mind that he's not my adversary, and he's learning too. I love him and know there is a lot of good here. The IB needed to stop though. I'm so thankful for MB for helping me figure out how to change this.

Another reason to find out the truth, even if it is in the past, is that it is important to know so you can protect future A's from happening or reoccurring. For instance, if your H did have any kind of EA or more with this woman, I assume she still lives in your area and still has mutual activities with you. This means he will continue to run into her and maybe even have her on a team again in the future. It would be very easy to rekindle the A. Even seeing her off and on will impact his intimacy with you.