I agree with Mel that this is very much like a man addicted to porn. Her desires CAN be changed, if she is restricted to the marriage and can't go finding her thrills elsewhere.

These things must happen if you are to recover:
1. There can be absolutely no more nights apart.
2. You cannot let UA slide. Ever.
3. There must be absolute transparency on all electronic devices. Smart phones should go. She should not be on a computer without you around. You will need to watch this the rest of your lives. There can never be another instance where she has access to a device and you don't know what's going on immediately. If this interferes with her job, she will need to find a new job.

X3

Your marriage should become thrilling. She needs admiration. She needs to be the center of your attention.

Your wife should have been on the trip with you and your daughter. Scratch the way I said that. You and your wife are joined at the hip and should have gone with your daughter.

After eliminating any contast, focus on finding consistent, mutually enjoyable SF.

Your wife tends not to fess up when her needs are unmet. If you follow the program, you will be so integrated and she should be in love with you, not looking for an outside thrill.

If she won't agree to eliminate contrast for the rest of her life then the marriage won't work.

Marcos,
Does Dr. Harley speak with clients still, or would that be through the radio program?

That sounds about right, Melody. Now that she has opened Pandora's Box she is hooked. For a long time she has had alternative fantasies, and they are way out there. She has managed to find men who can ably help her realize them, and she says it's not in me to act them out with her. It would be inauthentic and therefore unfulfilling for her. She also says she respects me and can't do the things to me that she does to these men. We have an active sex life, and she has a very strong libido, but she's bored with "conventional" sex. It wasn't always this way.

The two times that I have discussed EP's with her she responded very foggily. Anything that upsets the fantasy of her other life makes her dig her heels in. She doesn't want to give it up.

I will talk to her about revitalizing our marriage again and suggest that doing so will help to ween her from these desires. I will also e-mail Dr. Harley. I already e-mailed him, but it was before the last update.

Online. Computer for movies--though I've never seen her watching anything pornographic. All of her encounters on skype and chat take place through her phone.

Yes, Prisca. And all of these items were listed in the EP's I made a condition for recovery.

Yes, DQ. This makes sense.

Start by emailing the radio address. Depending on the situation Dr. Harley does sometimes talk to people privately but start by emailing the radio address.

Was the recent email you sent regarding her most recent affairs? If so, what did Dr. Harley say?

I did not receive a reply. I just sent him an update.

After I gave my wife the letter with the EP's she indicated she can't do them, and so in my mind that was it. Separation. However, I have rethought that after reading the responses here on this thread. To all of you, thank you for the helpful feedback.

I was in Plan D by design, unwilling to go through another Plan A. One was enough for me. However, I have decided to Plan A again for a month or so. I am going to put on a full court press. This morning I asked my wife if she would like to date, and she said yes. I will make it a point to schedule plenty of time for both of us and renew the promises of a full MB recovery and lifestyle.

I hope these actions will encourage her to accept the EPs and find ways resist the temptations she's given in to. Ultimately, if she won't accept the EP's then our marriage will end. But I recognize that right now I need to give her 1000 reasons why staying married is the very best option for her, and that starts and finishes with my actions, giving her quality, regularly scheduled UA time. Hopefully, I will get some advice from Dr. Harley on the matter as well, particularly in regard to my Wife's alternative needs (BDSM) for sexual fulfillment from other men.

On a final note, your 2x4's have found my conscience. My apologies to Marcos and Prisca. Thank you for turning the cheek.

j3 I hope it goes well for you and that you are able to win your wife to a marriage that will make both of you fantastically happy. Be sure to communicate with Dr. Harley about your wife's refusal to take extraordinary precautions and the sexual issues - if you don't hear back from him, keep trying, because apparently sometimes he or Joyce get busy or miss an email or something goes into spam, but I think you absolutely need to get his advice on these two things.

Try emailing again and if you still don't get a response notify the MODS so they can let Dr. Harley know.

My wife and I talked again last night. She mentioned to me that she told her sisters about our separation and that she had done something bad. Her sisters said that sometimes people just grow apart, to which I responded, when that happens they can grow back together.

My wife agreed with them that we have grown apart, and she's right. She has changed in a lot of her views, her religion, and her outlook on certain social issues. We have different world views. The problem is, as she explained to me, I have been disrespectful in dealing with the differences. She gave me specific examples that quite frankly made me feel ashamed. Some disrespectful judgments and selfish demands were made on my part that hurt her. Really, there is no excuse. After reading the program I should have known and done better.

Though I expressed a willingness to improve, she feels that this is the second time around and things may improve for a short time and then go back to being bad. My reply was that though things have slid these past few months, things over all were better, and she agreed.

Still, she thinks we're are different people now and she doesn't believe this is a good marriage. The EP's that are a condition for recovery are a sticking point for her. She says she doesn't want to feel like a prisoner. She won't abide by them.

Is she saying, or has she said, that she is not willing to be faithful to you? Is that what she really means about the EPs and the BDSM?

Then this is a non-starter.

Yes, it is a non-starter, and she understands that I am firm with the EP's. I will try and show her through actions that our marriage is worth it, but I will also be filing for a legal separation at the same time.

She has said that she can't guarantee she won't go back to what she was doing.

j3, maybe you can sell her on the idea that Dr. Harley's program would keep you accountable and keep you from being disrespectful. That might interest her enough to consider trying abiding by the constraints of the program that would apply to her.

Have you heard back from Dr. Harley?