As a Catholic, you can file for divorce and not just legal separation. It will not affect your annulment.

The Church will not begin the process for a declaration of nullity until the civil divorce is final.

Praying for you, j3, and we won't stop.

Has your wife commented since you asked her to move out?

Thanks everyone for the information about divorce as it pertains to annulment. I will be filing for a divorce, not a legal separation.

Marcos, thank you, again, for the prayers. I have not been talking to my wife since she agreed to move out. I explained to her that I'd be going dark and let her know that it wasn't out of spite or anger (though honestly I do feel a lot of hurt and resentment). I also explained this to my two daughters so they don't feel that they are constantly in the cross hairs of a cold war in the house. They fully understand and are dealing with it well. Still, I think her moving out will remove a lot of tension and stress. I will file for divorce as soon as I get time to do so. I am a school principal, and my plate has been full at work as we are preparing for the opening of school. I was leading an in-service for 150 teachers the day after this blew up. The in-service went well, but I only got 2 hours sleep because of this situation, and I found myself feeling brokenhearted for a moment in the middle of my presentation. That's how it is going to be. This is my second trip to Brokenheartsville, but I am much stronger this time around.

Anyway, though I'm very busy next week with the opening of school, I will hopefully find some time to file. I don't want to delay.

I am so sorry it has come to this. I will pray for your family.

How did you manage the divorce and remarriage last time? Did you get an annulment? Did you remarry in the Church?

Thank you, SC. The last time we divorced, I did not pursue an annulment. My wife and I got remarried 9 months after the divorce had finalized. That was a civil marriage. We also renewed our vows in the Church. The Church didn't recognize the divorce so we simply renewed our vows in church. We had been apart for 2 years.

Though it is a tough having to go through this a second time, I am still very glad that my wife and I tried to recover our marriage. The last 3 years have been happy, and my children were so much happier when we got back together.

On a different note, last night my daughter told me she can also see Mom's side to this. WW told DD that we had grown apart and she has changed. Yes, she has changed. But the reason she is willing to leave the marriage imo is she has let other men meet her emotional needs and she is unwilling to stop letting that happen. She also is unwilling to work together again on the aspects of the marriage where she is unhappy. I am troubled that my wife is giving my daughter this message. I don't want DD thinking that the fact people change is a reason to exit a marriage. Marriage should be a lifelong commitment where couples transcend their differences by doing things to grow together and strengthen their bonds. That is what Dr. Harley's program is based on: filling and keeping the love bank strong, avoiding love busters, and finding ways to "win" together. My daughter is getting the wrong message about marriage from her mom, and that is extremely dangerous as lifelong attitudes about marriage are so often formed through the modeling of parents. I want my daughters to have successful lifelong marriages in the future. I don't want this divorce to be a legacy for my daughters.

I can't be the only person wondering how your wife reconciles her wilful unfaithfulness with her religion. Does she ever talk about that? Does she still consider herself obedient to that religion?

SC, The best way to describe it is this: She is a renter in marriage and in her religion. What she is doing is contrary to the teachings of Islam and she is fully aware of that.

Have you explained to your DD that her Mother's excuse that she has "changed" is not a valid reason to leave a marriage and educated your DD about her Mom allowing OMen to meet her ENs?

How old is your DD? Buyers, renter's and freeloaders is a good book to have children (as Long as they are old enough) to read.

Hi Brain,
Yes, I did talk to my daughter. She listened, understood, and didn't say much. She feels caught in the middle, but she got it.

Glad you were honest with her. She will know her Mom is wrong.

j3, one of the things Dr. Harley often emphasizes is that change is inevitable in life. Everybody will change, whether they intend to, or not. The question is, will you make those changes intentional and will you take charge of them, or just let them happen? And for married people the other question is: will you change together, or change individually and independently?

A married person can just bump along through life and get involved in what interests them and drop what no longer interests them and invest no effort in coordinating their interests with their spouse, and the result is incompatibility and an unhappy marriage. Or a married person can coordinate their interests with their spouse and they can grow and develop together. Along that line I've heard Dr. Harley suggest that couples not investigate their interests much individually but strive to investigate them as couples. For example, if one spouse is interested in a religion, or a nutritional system, or a game, or whatever subject it might be - select the things you invest your time in to be the things both of you are interested in investing time in.

These might be good thoughts for your daughter.

Here is the show with your email Radio Clip of Justthe3ofus's Email

I posted the wrong clips earlier. Here is your email.
Radio Clip of Justthe3ofus's Email
Segment 2

Hi, j3. Thinking of you today, and praying for you.

Thanks for your prayers and thoughtfulness, Marcos! I really appreciate it. I never replied to your post above regarding educating my daughter on the benefits of a fully integrated marriage where couples together pursue areas of common interest. That was a great insight. Thank you.

Update: It took awhile, but my WW has left the house, and I have filed for divorce. I last posted in August, and at that time I was going to ask her to leave. However, we postponed her departure because our youngest daughter is now attending a Catholic high school, and the tuition is very high. If WW moves out the funds used to pay tuition would be wiped out by the rent she will have to pay. So we agreed that she would stay at home until June. However, last Friday, I discovered through an e-mail she received from our cell phone carrier that she was back at it again, chatting with men from other countries. Last straw. That night I asked her to leave the house by the next night. She stayed with her sister for a couple of days and then found an apartment nearby. I filed for divorce a couple of days later.

It hurts, and I still can't comprehend the person she has become, even though this is the second time around. But I've also reached the acceptance stage of this grieving process. Unlike the first time we divorced over her infidelity, I am coping much better, living in the moment with friends, family, and coworkers, and looking ahead for a new life without her. My youngest daughter seems to be doing fine though she is, of course, very sad. My oldest is having a very hard time. She has depression and anxiety and this has definitely triggered that illness. Over the past 3 years she has matured and learned to cope with depression. She's made great strides, but this is a challenge for her. Fortunately, she has learned to seek the counsel of wise adults and mature friends, and that has helped her.

My girls are going to split time with WW and me. That is a fair arrangement, but I have a concern. Because my WW is into BDSM and some really perverse things that I won't go into here, the type of men that she chats with are probably not safe for her or for my daughters. My WW is fiercely protective of the girls, and she would not purposely endanger them. But once she finally does get around to hooking up with men, one of them could come around unexpectedly. I don't want any of these men seeing my daughters. Does anyone know if its possible to put "contingencies" in the custody agreement?

Depending on your jurisdiction, you may be able to have a clause in the custody agreement that specifies that no romantic partners are to be in either of your houses when your daughters are there. Trying to specify that further, ie., to people you would consider to be sexually deviant, will probably be unworkable so you will just have to cast the net broadly. Requiring that no such person can be "around" your daughters, i.e.., at a restaurant or something, will be much tougher. It may depend on their ages.

You will probably have to agree to it for yourself, too.

Do your girls want to even be around her?

I would not say it is 'fiercely protective' of your WW to give up her life to pursue her own selfish and deviant sexual appetite. I think it is great that you remain so positive about your wife despite her actions, but you also need to be realistic. A woman who is wayward and giving up her life for an immoral lifestyle is NOT looking out for the best interest of her young daughters, which means that is YOUR job to do. It is absolutely right for you to want to protect your daughters from the people WW is exposed to right now, it is a recipe for disaster. Do whatever you can to protect them from this.