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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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Joined: Jan 2010
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So I really do welcome any and all suggestions as to how I can do MB better and bring the in love feeling back to my wife and our marriage. Make it priority #1 and let everything else slide. Later, when you are successful, you will be better able to integrate some of these things into your life.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: May 2016
Posts: 18
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I would like to thank each of you for your kind help and replies. Actually my wife and I do schedule our 15 hours for the week every Sunday afternoon and write the schedule down on paper. So scheduling the 15 hours on paper is not the problem. The issue is that we do not always do the planned 15 hours. Unfortunately we both allow other unplanned things to creep in. My wife says that she allows this to happen because she is in withdrawal and isn't really enjoying our UA time so it's easy to get off track. I allow us to get off track, mostly because I don't know how to make it enjoyable enough for my wife. Also she sometimes seems to enjoy the some of the unplanned activities that intrude and it is good to see her happy.
My original question was and remains, How do I date my wife while she is in Withdrawal. I'm having a hard time making our 15 hours fun for her. Wife reports that she is very emotionally flat and not enjoying our UA time. This makes it hard to make love bank deposits. Thanks for the upcoming help.
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
I allow us to get off track And you simply cannot do that anymore. You cannot afford to. I'm having a hard time making our 15 hours fun for her. Wife reports that she is very emotionally flat and not enjoying our UA time. This makes it hard to make love bank deposits. You can start by never letting UA slide again. One of her problems with you is that you have hurt her by not following through on things. Show her you're not going to allow yourself to do that anymore, and it will be a good first step towards her becoming interested in you again. But, as long as you let other things interfere with UA (thus making her a lower priority), she will remain "emotionally flat" towards you. Her emotions are protecting her from letting you hurt her anymore. This makes it hard to make love bank deposits. It may be difficult to make lovebank deposits while she is so distant from you, but it is not impossible. You try to meet her emotional needs little by little, over, and over, and over, and over again. Slowly, if you are not making any lovebusters, she will start to open up to you again and allow you to make bigger deposits. However, if you let UA slide, it will be impossible.
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
Rocks in a River: You find yourself on the bank of a wide river. It is too wide to jump across, and yet you still need to cross it. What do you do? You start picking up rocks and throwing them into the river. (These rocks are each small affectionate thing you do for your W). For the first 499 rocks, you see the rock hit the water, and then it dissapears. These rocks are sinking and landing on the bottom of the river. Eventually you get to rock #500 and it hits the water and part of it is sticking up above the surface. You now realize you are getting somewhere. You can finally see progress. For the first 499 rocks, you knew they were stacking up, but you had no proof other than common sense telling you that they were building up. We have to approach our relationships now as if every piece of affection is one of those rocks. We will not see any progress until a number of rocks have been thrown. However, just because we are not seeing these first 499 rocks does not mean they are not having an impact. Believe that they are, because they are. Supposedly this came from Steve Harley to a poster on this board long ago in a phone session. The point of the story is that crossing the romantic love threshold in the Love Bank is not gradual. There is a SUDDEN change in feelings, with no gradual warnings that it is approaching. You toss in the rocks (make Love Bank deposits) and see NOTHING. You might even get discouraged and consider giving up. But if you can keep tossing in the rocks, suddenly one day you have a bridge across the stream.
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
[quote=HoldHerHand]the first is one used by the poster DoormatNoMore;
Creating romantic love after infidelity (aka "healing") is like creating a new island by chucking buckets of sand in a lake. It's going to take a lot of sand before it begins to peek above the water. Wind, waves, rain, and storms will wash that peak away, but you have to keep chucking buckets of sand.
...
she has wrapped herself in a protective shell. There are small cracks in that shell where some light can get in. You are tossing grains of rice at this shell, hoping to give her the nourishment she needs. If you throw only a single grains, or only small amounts (not keeping up with UA, not meeting ENs) they are not likely to fall through the small cracks.
However, if you throw HANDFULS (20+ hours of UA time, becoming expert at meeting her EN's, adhering to EP's), then some grains can slip through the cracks and give her the nourishment she needs to go forward.
She is STUCK in that cave, sir. And your actions put her there. She cannot simply decide to come out. Your action is what will free her. Original: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=164877&Number=2556440#Post2556440
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
Here are some radio clips of Dr. Harley talking to a husband whose wife is not really coming through for him in their marriage. In their case they are recovering from an affair. You guys are fortunate that you don't appear to have that kind of marital damage at this time. Listen to how Dr. Harley coaches the caller and explains how wives change when their husbands make enough love bank deposits: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3324http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3325http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3326One thing Dr. Harley says is that if the husband is on board with the Marriage Builders program, the chances for the marriage are very good, much better than if it is the wife who is on board and the husband reluctant. The husband has greater potential for being able to win his wife back to the marriage by making love bank deposits. You meet the love bank deposits consistently, every day, and one day without warning your life is like a different person. The pebbles or sand have piled up above the surface of the water. Then there's a little bit of wave or rain or current (a love buster, or your wife is simply present with you during a negative experience) and the pile vanishes below the surface for awhile (your wife goes back to not being in love with you), but you keep piling up the pebbles/sand (keep making consistent love bank deposits, and avoid love bank withdrawals at all cost), and eventually it pokes above the surface of the water, this time with a broader foundation, and eventually you have a near permanent bridge (your wife is in love with you all the time).
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Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956 Likes: 1
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Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956 Likes: 1 |
What does your wife enjoy doing? Is it something you could join her in that you could enjoy reasonably well?
For example, I love hiking. During recovery of our marriage, I didn't like my husband very much, but I liked having company for my hikes,mostly for safety's sake. I loved the scenery and the exertion so much that just the fact that my husband joined me in such an enjoyable activity deposited love units. He hardly had to do anything except join me and be there and be pleasant. He became part of the enjoyable experience.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
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George writes he is overwhelmed with commitments. He struggles with the 15 hours of UA time and finding time for family. Radio Clip
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: May 2016
Posts: 18
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Wow. Thank you so much. Your words quotes and radio clips are inspirational. This forum has such amazing and caring people. Thank again
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