|
|
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 16
Junior Member
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 16 |
The idea turns my stomach. There is a resounding "no" from all parts of me that do not use words to communicate.
Logically, it makes sense.
Last edited by ImpossibleGirl; 09/09/16 04:35 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
The idea turns my stomach. Then reject it and move on. Why waste our time?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 16
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 16 |
Because I am "married before God" and "should" want these things, and again, there is apparently something wrong with me if I don't.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Because I am "married before God" and "should" want these things, and again, there is apparently something wrong with me if I don't. If you decide you want help, let us know. If not, then just move on.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 16
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 16 |
Well, I "should" want help, so tell me what to do, eh?
We aren't supposed to give up and move on from marriages, even if they are less than ideal.
Last edited by ImpossibleGirl; 09/09/16 04:41 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
That was a long-standing friendship, pre-dating meeting my husband, which I gave up for the sake of this marriage, because said friendship was condemned as being a "slippery slope," etc, and a danger to the marriage, and my husband was uncomfortable with it. And still is, even though it's no longer a thing.
That relationship was not viable as romantic because he was married when I met him, albeit out of similar motivations as I had in marrying my husband. Before I knew he was married, I was aware of a point in time when my heart and soul said with finality, "this one." This one, I chose to love. Not in the romantic sense, necessarily, (no lust, no need, and no sense of pressure or obligation) but unconditionally, though the relationship itself was conditional.
Over the years, the friendship challenged me, pushed me to grow. Forced me to examine myself, my opinions and viewpoints, my attitudes, without making me feel inferior or ignorant. The friendship lit me up from the inside out, made me want to be better. There were no warm fuzzies, and to be frank, at first, I would just as soon have hissed at him as spoken to him. Because he was a cop (and I hadn't had any good experiences with cops) who was assigned to my case when I had a bunch of stuff stolen several years before I met my husband.
Anyway, all that is to say... had my friend and I both been single at that point in time, well, we wouldn't be having this discussion. I'd probably be having a, "this man and his behavior is driving me crazy, how do I handle it" discussion. (Haha. It's a human nature joke. Because it's true.) But those are challenges I would have leaned into, because although it would have been difficult, it would have been what I had wanted, freely chosen, and because I wanted to fight for it, even when it made me cry. Are you still in contact with this friend?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Well, I "should" want help, so tell me what to do, eh? You are an adult woman who needs to make that decision for herself. It is not my job to tell you what you should do. If you want to turn your marriage around, let us know and we can help. If not, then I wish you the best.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 16
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 16 |
Prisca, as of several weeks ago, no.
He didn't want to be put in the middle of this, and I can't blame him.
Last edited by ImpossibleGirl; 09/09/16 04:44 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
Because I am "married before God" and "should" want these things, and again, there is apparently something wrong with me if I don't. Not really. There is no "should," and there's nothing wrong with you if you don't want to. Naval-gazing like this isn't going to make you happy, but you can waste all your time on doing that if you want. But we don't do that here. Here, we create romantic marriages. If you want to step out and try to create a romantic marriage, we've got the plan. Otherwise, there isn't much we can help you with.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
Prisca, as of several weeks ago, no.
He didn't want to be put in the middle of this, and I can't blame him. If I understand you correctly, you were in contact with him until just a few weeks ago?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
That was a long-standing friendship, pre-dating meeting my husband, which I gave up for the sake of this marriage, because said friendship was condemned as being a "slippery slope," etc, and a danger to the marriage, and my husband was uncomfortable with it. And still is, even though it's no longer a thing.
That relationship was not viable as romantic because he was married when I met him, albeit out of similar motivations as I had in marrying my husband. Before I knew he was married, I was aware of a point in time when my heart and soul said with finality, "this one." This one, I chose to love. Not in the romantic sense, necessarily, (no lust, no need, and no sense of pressure or obligation) but unconditionally, though the relationship itself was conditional.
Over the years, the friendship challenged me, pushed me to grow. Forced me to examine myself, my opinions and viewpoints, my attitudes, without making me feel inferior or ignorant. The friendship lit me up from the inside out, made me want to be better. There were no warm fuzzies, and to be frank, at first, I would just as soon have hissed at him as spoken to him. Because he was a cop (and I hadn't had any good experiences with cops) who was assigned to my case when I had a bunch of stuff stolen several years before I met my husband.
Anyway, all that is to say... had my friend and I both been single at that point in time, well, we wouldn't be having this discussion. I'd probably be having a, "this man and his behavior is driving me crazy, how do I handle it" discussion. (Haha. It's a human nature joke. Because it's true.) But those are challenges I would have leaned into, because although it would have been difficult, it would have been what I had wanted, freely chosen, and because I wanted to fight for it, even when it made me cry. Are you still in contact with this friend? You seem awfully infatuated with this man. That alone will keep you from wanting to create anything romantic with your husband.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 16
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 16 |
Because I am "married before God" and "should" want these things, and again, there is apparently something wrong with me if I don't. Not really. There is no "should," and there's nothing wrong with you if you don't want to. Naval-gazing like this isn't going to make you happy, but you can waste all your time on doing that if you want. But we don't do that here. Here, we create romantic marriages. If you want to step out and try to create a romantic marriage, we've got the plan. Otherwise, there isn't much we can help you with. The problem is that my heart isn't in it, and never has been. And it doesn't want to be. I've prayed about it, prostrated myself before God, for years. I'm to the point of giving up and just doing what I'm "supposed to" because I'm locked into this relationship by the nature of the vows I made. I have nothing against my husband. I have nothing against working with him to accomplish things. My heart just isn't in romance with him.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
It's your choice. You can work the program regardless of how you feel, and you will find later that your heart is in it. Or, not, and keep the status quo. It's your marriage, and the choice is yours.
We can help you if you want the help. Just let us know.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 16
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 16 |
You seem awfully infatuated with this man. That alone will keep you from wanting to create anything romantic with your husband. [/quote]
Yeah, no. About as much as I am infatuated with the friend I call a brother. Which is to say, not at all.
We are all fallible. We are all stupid and selfish and hurt each other. I know his flaws well. I have studied what infatuation is, and it is not this.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 16
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 16 |
It's your choice. You can work the program regardless of how you feel, and you will find later that your heart is in it. Or, not, and keep the status quo. It's your marriage, and the choice is yours.
We can help you if you want the help. Just let us know. Way I see it, I've got nothing to lose by trying. So sure. Feelings are just feelings.
Last edited by ImpossibleGirl; 09/09/16 04:55 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
Feelings are more than "just feelings." If you believe you would be happier by ending your marriage and moving on, then do so. Nothing wrong with that.
In fact, since he is disrespectful and abusive, it would be a good idea to go ahead and plan for a separation.
Your feelings for your husband are made worse because of the male friend in your life (around here, we call the relationship you've had with him an "emotional affair"). The first step towards a romantic marriage would be for you to cut off contact with him for life, as well as any other male friends you may have. Will you do that?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 16
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 16 |
Feelings are more than "just feelings." If you believe you would be happier by ending your marriage and moving on, then do so. Nothing wrong with that.
In fact, since he is disrespectful and abusive, it would be a good idea to go ahead and plan for a separation.
Your feelings for your husband are made worse because of the male friend in your life (around here, we call the relationship you've had with him an "emotional affair"). The first step towards a romantic marriage would be for you to cut off contact with him for life, as well as any other male friends you may have. Will you do that? Um, he isn't disrespectful or abusive. Divorce is a sin except in the case of infidelity or an unbeliever wanting to leave. And I have no "desire" for this male friend. Regardless, he has gone his own way permanently, and I have accepted that. In fact, I told him to do so if his friendship with me was a distraction from his own loveless marriage. That wasn't his reason for going, but that was my stance, regardless. But having no male friends at all? I have no family, and the male friends I do have, I have adopted as my own patchwork family. And frankly, I don't get along well with most women. So no. I am not willing to do that. I am not willing to isolate myself to create the equivalent of Stockholm Syndrome.
Last edited by ImpossibleGirl; 09/09/16 05:27 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
But having no male friends at all? I have no family, and the male friends I do have, I have adopted as my own patchwork family. And frankly, I don't get along well with most women. So no. I am not willing to do that. Then this program cannot help you. I wish you well.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 275
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 275 |
Feelings are more than "just feelings." If you believe you would be happier by ending your marriage and moving on, then do so. Nothing wrong with that.
In fact, since he is disrespectful and abusive, it would be a good idea to go ahead and plan for a separation.
Your feelings for your husband are made worse because of the male friend in your life (around here, we call the relationship you've had with him an "emotional affair"). The first step towards a romantic marriage would be for you to cut off contact with him for life, as well as any other male friends you may have. Will you do that? Um, he isn't disrespectful or abusive. Divorce is a sin except in the case of infidelity or an unbeliever wanting to leave. And I have no "desire" for this male friend. Regardless, he has gone his own way permanently, and I have accepted that. In fact, I told him to do so if his friendship with me was a distraction from his own loveless marriage. That wasn't his reason for going, but that was my stance, regardless. But having no male friends at all? I have no family, and the male friends I do have, I have adopted as my own patchwork family. And frankly, I don't get along well with most women. So no. I am not willing to do that. I am not willing to isolate myself to create the equivalent of Stockholm Syndrome. You are basically saying you would prefer the company and friendship with about any other man than your husband (which in the bible would be an affair of the heart) while quoting scriptures at us! Your heart is as wayward as they come and you are already committing infidelity in every way but physical. This program could give you an amazing, romantic, in love marriage for life even if it seems impossible now- but you would prefer your guy friends. Your choice. Just don't tell us that's following God.
BW-3 Kids
Sep:2014
Divorced
"I was not delivered unto this world in defeat, nor does failure course in my veins. I am not a sheep waiting to be prodded by my shepherd. I am a lion and I refuse to talk, to walk, to sleep with the sheep. I will hear not those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious. Let them join the sheep. The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiny.
I will persist until I succeed." Og Mandino
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
And I have no "desire" for this male friend. Right.  Regardless, he creates a contrast effect which your husband cannot compete with. He, and any other male friends you have, will make you feel worse about your husband than you otherwise would. The contrast effect must be eliminated IF you want a romantic marriage. Without that step, this program cannot help you.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
117
guests, and
69
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,621
Posts2,323,490
Members71,963
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
