I'm so very sorry to hear this. I can't believe that your wife would rather purse this new lifestyle than be married to you.

Have you sorted out finances? Are you taking over the house and all the bills and payments? Is she required to support the child still at home? Has all her stuff been moved out?

Once you've dealt with all those details, would you consider doing a proper NC? No email; what is the need? I gather there is some kind of online calendar invented for separated parents, where you book the events that you will be going to, so that the other will stay away.

You really need to not communicate with her. The talk you had today made it clear that there is no going back for her - but you knew that anyway, with the divorce. All it really did was break your heart even more.

I'm so sorry.

So sorry.

I also agree with SC and DQ about not having email contact at all. Every time there will be an email you will suffer again and again. Please reconsider having no contact at all.

Just, I had to submit my post fast due to call coming in...but I didn't get a chance to address the following point.

Your sympathy and caring love for her keeps you engaged and doing her favors. I tend to be the same way. However, at this point, I'm not sure that charity, or even preventing the "bitter" image is necessary.
You have paid the uttermost farthing to save yoir family and your marriage. She, for many assorted reasons, has not reciprocated. Even at this point in the game, you gave her the benefit of a NEGOTIATED AGREEMENT to email in the future. Interdependence is for marriage.

The healthy protection of true no contact is a good idea. I am so sorry for your failed investment. You are a good man.

I agree with complete NC.

Keep in mind that she is leading a very dangerous lifestyle. Anyone she is in contact with is subject to the same unsavory characters that she associates with (creeps and pervs she meets online). This includes your children and yourself.

Someday you will be ready to move on from this. Maybe date or even marry again. You seem to be a good man and you deserve that. I would not be interested in dating a man who maintained contact with a woman who led this lifestyle, for my own safety and because frankly, I would question just WHY he needed to maintain contact. Now is time to protect yourself and anyone else YOU associate with from this craziness, and open up your life for better things.

I know you love her and do not think of her as a bad person. I am not saying she is. But that does not mean you need to keep hanging around in some form of fashion, being a witness to it. That will only hurt you and everyone else around you.

I can't remember what you've told your girls about your ex's lifestyle choice. I remember that one of the girls actually told you about the online trolling, but do they both know that their mother is choosing this lifestyle over marriage? Do they know that she is already with a new man?

And do they know how to protect themselves from all contact with these pervs? Will they be staying at her house ever?

Having email contact does not mean you are going dark. This won't work.

Are you going to email Dr Harley and ask his opinion since you won't listen to us?

I can't tell from what you wrote in August whether your daughters are fully aware of their mother's new lifestyle.

We were trying to pursue this with you in the summer, but you let this drop, and came back with an update that did not address this point.

Do your daughter want to split their time 50/50 with you and their mother, fully knowing about her lifestyle? They are old enough to decide that they do not want to visit her house at all. If they say that, then you wouldn't have to worry about putting stipulation in the divorce decree. However, they can't decide if they don't know about this.

And if a judge has already ruled on the 50/50: was he or she given the full facts about your wife's choices to hook up with men that she meets online?

Your daughter MUST be protected. You can't trust your ex's goodwill and the fact that she cries and says that she still loves you, and was once "fiercely protective" of your kids. She's not protective enough to have spared them from this horror. You need to arm them against these pervert men.

Thank you all for your replies and feedback. I have taken it into serious consideration, and here is where I am at:

1)I will send the following e-mail to my wife today:

WW,

I am still heartbroken over the demise of our marriage, and I will never be able to reconcile how the promises we made to love and protect each other in an exclusive lifelong relationship were twice violated and what was a beautiful 24 year old marriage now lies on the rubbish heap because of it. Seeing you on Thursday was a setback for me, and I had a hard time making it through the day on Friday. I learned from our encounter that any contact I have with you is going to generate an emotional tempest inside me. So in order for me to move forward and heal, I am ending all contact with you. Do not text, call, or e-mail me. If you need to convey a message you can do it through my mom who has agreed to be our go-between if something important needs to be relayed.

Over the Christmas break, I will be setting up two Google docs, the first a calendar with a child visitation schedule and their events and the second a spreadsheet that enables both of us to list expenses.

Justthethreeofus


2) As far as the safety of my two high school daughters goes, I have put the following in the Marriage Settlement Agreement which was signed and submitted on Thursday at the courthouse:

"The parties shall have joint physical custody of the minor children so long as Wife�s primary residence in the United States. So long as the mother�s primary residence is in the United States, and no man is living in Mother�s home, Mother shall have the children on altering weeks, Monday through the following Sunday. If wife moves her primary residence from the United States, visitation shall be by mutual agreement."

I talked to the girls this afternoon, and I reminded them that their mom was keeping company online with sexually shady people, and that those people are not safe for them to be around. I mentioned that they are to immediately let me know if a man is ever in the house. I also let them know that I will not allow them to travel overseas with their mom, and they understood and had no problem with this. I told my wife that if anything happens to the girls because of the men she sees (she is only seeing one at the present time, and he lives in India) that she will be held fully responsible.

3) I was able to get the other man's phone number from Sprint. He lives in India, and I texted him the following message today:

"My wife has chosen to break up our family for a second time due to an affair. This time with you. I blame her mostly for this, but you shoulder the blame as well. Do not come anywhere near my daughters, and if you ever come to the United States stay away from me as well. An encounter with me or my daughters would not be good for you."

That's it for now.

Could you try and answer the questions that I asked? You don't really address them all by posting that update.

If you have not already sent that email to your wife, there is a specific Plan B letter devised by Dr Harley that we always recommend using.

Sugar Cane. Your questions are in green. My answers are in blue.

I remember that one of the girls actually told you about the online trolling, but do they both know that their mother is choosing this lifestyle over marriage?

YES

Do they know that she is already with a new man?

YES

And do they know how to protect themselves from all contact with these pervs?

YES

Will they be staying at her house ever?

YES. Half of the time. She has not had a man at her house, and the only man she is currently spending time with as far as I know lives in India. She was there for 10 days in November, and I told the girls that she was going there to be with a man. My WW did not tell them this. She told them she was going to visit her sister in Chicago. I set them straight.


Have you sorted out finances? Are you taking over the house and all the bills and payments? Is she required to support the child still at home? Has all her stuff been moved out?


She moved out of the house in September after I discovered her relationship with the man in India. We have divided the assets equally. I just refinanced the home and will be giving her half of the equity. All the finances have been sorted out, property divided, and custody established. Joint physical and legal custody.

Once you've dealt with all those details, would you consider doing a proper NC? No email; what is the need? I gather there is some kind of online calendar invented for separated parents, where you book the events that you will be going to, so that the other will stay away.

I have done that as of today. No contact, just as you suggested. I will not be using Dr. Harley's letter format, because I am closing the door to reconciliation. However, I did go back and read the letter that John wrote to Sue in SAA, and decided to change my letter to WW. Thank you for the suggestion. Here is what I will send her:

My dearest WW,

I am heartbroken over the demise of our marriage and the breakup of our family. You have been the love of my life, and I dreamed that it would always be so. I still can't reconcile that our marriage is coming to an end. Alas, you have chosen this path, and so in order for me to heal and move forward, I can no longer see you or have contact with you. Seeing you on Thursday brought about tremendous grief and sadness, and I had a hard time making it through the day on Friday. I learned from our meeting that any contact I have with you is going to generate an emotional tempest inside me. So I am asking you to respect my decision to end all contact. I ask that you please do not text, call, or e-mail. If you need to convey a message please do it through my mother who has agreed to be our go-between if something important needs to be relayed regarding the children.

Over the Christmas break, I will be setting up two Google docs, the first a calendar with a child visitation schedule and our daughters' events and the second a spreadsheet that enables both of us to list expenses.

You will always be my love and 32 years together has deepened our roots and intertwined our souls, but since you have again chosen to leave me for someone else, I can no longer see you or communicate with you.

With love,
Justthe3ofus


Do your daughter want to split their time 50/50 with you and their mother, fully knowing about her lifestyle? They are old enough to decide that they do not want to visit her house at all. If they say that, then you wouldn't have to worry about putting stipulation in the divorce decree. However, they can't decide if they don't know about this.

Yes, my daughters both know of WW's trolling for sex online and her aberrant sexual tendencies (though I have not gone into detail about them). But now that she is in a relationship she is no longer trolling for sex with other men. She's settled down with one guy. And all of her Skyping is done in the privacy of her room when the girls are with her. She has yet to bring anyone to her home as far as they or I know.

And if a judge has already ruled on the 50/50: was he or she given the full facts about your wife's choices to hook up with men that she meets online?

No. We did not meet with a judge. I drafted a marriage settlement agreement that she agreed to, and it stipulated that the girls would not be allowed to be in the home if another man was there.

Will you be blocking her from all of the ways she communicates with you? Phone? Email? Text?

Yes

I'm so sorry, my Friend. But I definitely know you will heal.

Thanks for your encouragement, Brain.

Good for you!

This really will be the best not only for you, but for your kids.

Really proud of you, Just. Hang in there. How was the Christmas party? You obviously lived to tell...

Thank you, DQ. Friday at work was hard. Had to close my office door and be by myself a few times. But the evening party was delightful as the good cheer and warmth of co-workers turned out to be a blessing.

SugarCane,

I see that you are very polite in your word choice. You are doing great this way! Keep up the good work.

Well..talk about damning with faint praise. I'm "doing great this way"...as opposed to what other way that I post?

You've singled out my post, out of all the posts made on this forum that day, to comment on my politeness. My post is no more polite and "good work" than most of the others made by our regular, hard-working posters. Why single me out?

There's a hidden agenda behind your message. I'd be careful not to alienate people, if I were you.