|
|
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 86
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 86 |
So i just reread unfaithful wife letter #5. And Dr. Harley recommended plan A, to compete with the lover in meeting his wifes needs, and continue to support her financially and emotionally. But on here it was recommended that i cut my wife off emotionally while in plan A. Is there a difference in context. I laid out that she was gonna have to rent my camper, pay; her vehicles insurance, gas, groceries, half her cell bill, half her health insurance premium, her medical bills, her own loans and credit cards, since shes not living at home and spending her free time with OM. Those bills add to $650/mth without gas n groceries and her new job may gross $900-$1000/mth. I felt bad doing so but felt it was also good method of pressuring the affair. Any of this seem harsh or counterproductive for plan A?
Last edited by Lostsnowflk; 09/16/16 09:36 AM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
So i just reread unfaithful wife letter #5. And Dr. Harley recommended plan A, to compete with the lover in meeting his wifes needs, and continue to support her financially and emotionally. But on here it was recommended that i cut my wife off emotionally while in plan A. No, we didn't recommend you cut her off emotionally. We recommended you cut her off FINANCIALLY. Dr Harley does not recommend you continue to support your wife when she has moved out. ] Is there a difference in context. I laid out that she was gonna have to rent my camper, pay; her vehicles insurance, gas, groceries, half her cell bill, half her health insurance premium, her medical bills, her own loans and credit cards, since shes not living at home and spending her free time with OM. Those bills add to $650/mth without gas n groceries and her new job may gross $900-$1000/mth. I felt bad doing so but felt it was also good method of pressuring the affair. Any of this seem harsh or counterproductive for plan A? You did the perfect thing!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 86
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 86 |
Ok thanks, i have not cut my wife off emotionally, in fact it sometimes feels like im overdoing it. Make her coffee before she arrives to take care of our kids, chocolates and cards if i know shes having a bad day. I love yous and hugs anytime we part for the day. Telling her our home will always be a safe place for her and that i miss her being around. Aprecciation when she does a chore in the house.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 86
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 86 |
I just reread my own post about cutting my wife off. I meant to say financially instead of emotionally. Sorry for the confusion. The brain isnt 100% these days
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Gotcha! Thanks for the clarification.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 86
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 86 |
Is their a line between good husband and smothering? I try to keep doing the positive things i did as her husband, but ive also added some extra effort into some of the areas she noted that were lacking. Like household chores (kinda required since shes not there), appreciation/thank you notes for coming over to handle the kids morning routine and if she does dishes or laundry while there, fresh coffee ready for her (new habit), lots of good morning and good bye attention? Her sister believes these actions may be offputing currently. What do you guys think?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Doing that stuff is a very good idea. You are supposed to attract her back.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 86
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 86 |
My SIL point of veiw comes from her own experience when she broke up with her LTR for better things and returned later and built a stronger relationship, he tried everything to win her back, and it only enraged her and pushed her further away into another relationship with someone else for a few months. She thinks my actions to 'attract' my wife back are having the same effect, and definatly feels like it most of the time.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
My SIL point of veiw comes from her own experience when she broke up with her LTR for better things and returned later and built a stronger relationship, he tried everything to win her back, and it only enraged her and pushed her further away into another relationship with someone else for a few months. She thinks my actions to 'attract' my wife back are having the same effect, and definatly feels like it most of the time. Our point of view comes from Dr Bill Harley and our experience with thousands of couples on this forum for the past 15 years. Her husbands overtures did not "push her away" her affair did that. His actions left enough good feelings in her love bank to draw her back when her affair ended and that is our goal.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Being kind and attractive to your wife does not "push" women away. The only thing that "pushes" a woman away is an affair. And yes, a fogged out wayward can get upset at the kind treatment because it makes her 2nd guess her affair and confuses her. A WW NEEDS you to react with coldness and anger in order to justify her despicable behavior. She has been justofying her affair by demonizing you. When you are super nice, that ruins her plan.
In other words, your well meaning SIL doesn't know what she is talking about because she doesn't understand the dynamics at play here.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 86
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 86 |
Ok. You make sense, but to clarify. SIL did not have any type of affair. SIL actually proposed and he had more traditional views and didnt give her the immediate answer she hoped for, leaving her hurt. He then tried to propose two weeks later after she decided to end it. It was 4-6 months and one rebound boyfriend before they got back together, and she still gets upset about his proposal effort. I try to get as much insight as i can to help my situation. Thank you guys for your help as well, Mostly just keeping my head clear.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Ok. You make sense, but to clarify. SIL did not have any type of affair. SIL actually proposed and he had more traditional views and didnt give her the immediate answer she hoped for, leaving her hurt. He then tried to propose two weeks later after she decided to end it. It was 4-6 months and one rebound boyfriend before they got back together, and she still gets upset about his proposal effort. I try to get as much insight as i can to help my situation. Thank you guys for your help as well, Mostly just keeping my head clear. Her dating situation has nothing to do with your situation. And you are right she didn't have an affair, she wasn't married. I am sure she means well but she has no insight or expertise in this situation.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 86
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 86 |
Things have quieted down for now. Im trying to just get by, continue to 'attract' my wife be a good dad etc.. what is recommended i do about the marital home? As far as arrangement and how the home operates, basically the home is to my wifes likings as she did most of the work/decorating. Do i leave everything closest to familiar for now? Im afraid any changes brought on by me will signify my giving up...? But ive also thought about bringing in a roommate(same sex) to help and just someone to chat with when i get stuck in my head. Any thoughts
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860 |
I would not bring in a roommate.
You need to talk, you call a friend. You get out of the house. You invite a friend over. You occupy yourself some how, some way, some where. Hobby. Recreational activity. Workout.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 86
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 86 |
What is a good non pressure way to communicate to my wife, my desire to work on our marriage? I want to always be able to convey that message, over and over. And maybe it will eventually be heard
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4 |
What is a good non pressure way to communicate to my wife, my desire to work on our marriage? I want to always be able to convey that message, over and over. And maybe it will eventually be heard Do you communicate with her everyday?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 86
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 86 |
Yes! I do my best to keep the lines open. I see her every weekday morning and nearly every afternoon because of the kids schedule. Sometimes we text throughout the day, somedays very little. granted im very careful to avoid discussing anything pertaining to "us" or "them" as she will then shut me out. Mostly trying to keep myself in the picture, via small talk. I assume on the quiet days OM is more available.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 86
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 86 |
I hate when i know my wife is spending time/night with him. I wake up knowing that even though she has the refuge of the camper at her moms, she spends every kid free night with him! Same clothes as yesterday, no shower, no sleep, when she shows up in the morning. How do i not think about it all the time?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4 |
Have you talked with your doctor about ADs?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 86
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 86 |
No i havent had an opportunity during business hours. Doing alot of plate balancing keeping some kind of life together
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
462
guests, and
55
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
