It will be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
It won't be a proper Plan B, according to the program.
There won't be a PBL, an intermediary (really no purpose for one)or any of the things I would express under a Plan B. I also envision myself slipping from time to time, sending a small message or perhaps trying to call.
It will also be hard not to finally express how terrible she has become, how upset/ angry I have been or that she has become a pathological liar and narcissist. I am no doctor, but over time, she has developed every sign I have learned about NPD.

I never wanted to give the impression I have not been trying to stop the withdrawal of my children. I haven't spoke of my efforts in that regard as I believe this forum is not intended for that. Like with this entire situation, I have not been given an explanation as to why they suddenly stopped communication, once they were taken.
They were happy to have been with me the entire time and even took it upon themselves to initiate talking to me about "moving on" together, without mom. Once she (I use the word stole) them, they stopped communicating with me. I can only assume my wife is poisoning them on a regular basis, encouraging them to ignore me. I try to talk with them at least once a day. They just don't respond.

I will be seeing my children today at a family member's wedding.
I plan to sit down with them, if they will listen, and talk about returning home. Their schools and friends are all within blocks of home.
I plan to talk about the possibility of us living anywhere they feel comfortable. I won't mention the following to them... but myself returning home is going to be near impossible (unless that is what they want). My WW works 1 mile West of home, and this new OM lives 1 mile South. Living there, while knowing she is that close by, or that this is happening just down the street, is almost unfathomable.


While I absorb and sort all of this, I have a couple questions, which still directly relate to the program...

When I do talk to my children today, I am wondering if I should briefly and gently inform them of this new affair? Or strictly focus on us, and not tell them?
I have also not had a chance to inform my MiL, and would not be able to do so for at least another week as my WW will be off work every day, until then.
Should I continue with the plan to inform my MiL?

Do you have scheduled visits with your children? What does your lawyer say about that? Surely you should have regular scheduled visits? How old are your children?

And yes if you're willing to follow a plan then you can follow Plan B.

I would focus on re-building with the kids. Your wife's affair is a poison that has affected all of you. Perhaps they were urging you to move on earlier because they thought it would be healthier for you in the long run and as you stayed and fought and they saw the wear and tear on you, they pulled away. Just a thought.

Your wife definitely gave them the spin about her and her need for freedom. This will be one of the benefits of you doing a proper plan B. You can rebuild with them and they will witness you taking care of yourself ad putting the focus back on your own interests and your relationship with them.

I would not talk to them anymore about your WW. I would just focus on getting to know them again and where they're at now in their lives. At some point, maybe you can get a different living space as well so that you're not haunted by the past.

You can do a proper plan B and you need to. You need to close the door on your WW. Stop looking at what she's doing, go no contact. Write in a journal if you need to, to get the angry feelings out. This is dragging you down more than you realize and you will start to feel much better once you close the door.

No scheduled visits. I have barely seen or talked with them in these 12 weeks.
I have only had one single consultation with a lawyer. That was over 3 months ago. During that one office visit, I spoke heavily of my belief that my WW might soon do exactly what she did a couple/few weeks later.
I mentioned here that I was informed if it does happen, I would have 3 choices. Either go cause a big scene at her mothers, file for custody, or allow them to stay (for what I had thought would be temporary). I had/ have been going with choice number 3, as the first two would cause further damage to our marriage and our family. I had previously expressed the children need to be back home by the start of school, and my WW had agreed, hence my belief it would be temporary. That has not happened.

What I had not anticipated was the immediate withdrawal and the complete lack of effort on my WW's part to ensure they talk with me or come back home, considering I was accommodating and gentle when she finally started asking to see them on certain days, while they were still at home. And now she is in fact poisoning them.
The children are 13 and 16.

This is true, and I didn't know to what extent until yesterday.
I did not need to bring up the new affair. The kids already knew. During a conversation with them (not about their mother, but about us), they said to me... "How long are you going to keep stalking?"
I knew instantly they were repeating words straight from my WW as this is the type of OOP she had looked up (and has since stopped). I asked what they meant by that and the reply was... "You went to (OM's name) house". So they already knew his name, who he is, and were told that confronting him equals stalking.
I explained that doing that is not stalking, that it is wrong for parents to have other boyfriends and girlfriends, and that I am sure they are old enough to understand this. They literally told me "It is not wrong (to have other boyfriends) because you are getting divorced".
I asked how they knew this person and was told "It doesn't matter to you!" * Another phrase that has been repeated by my WW. They told me "She has already talked to a lawyer". Again, something repeated by my WW several times through all of this, but almost certainly has not happened.

To compound matters, my oldest child told me just an hour or so before this, I was going to be a grandfather. Very happy for her, was super supportive, and spoke with her in detail about it. But at the same time, it is something I and my wife had spoken about and anticipated the day, for years. Now I don't even know if I can or should talk with her about it.

The issues don't stop.
For the last couple years we had been working with the bank to restructure the mortgage to a lower monthly payment.
We were finally approved only a short while after the first discovery.
The trial period is now over and the final paperwork arrived. It needs to be signed by both of us in front of a notary, and sent back immediately. This will lock in the restructure.
This means that tomorrow I have no choice but to go to my MiL's, try and convince my wife to come with me to the notary, and sign the papers. I am afraid she will refuse and the payment will rise again to a price that I can not afford alone.

Put the house on the market. Move to a nice apartment you can easily afford. Work on yourself and getting your life put back together as an individual and as a father in Plan B.

Time to go into a dark Plan B PTSD.

You are making no progress with your W and all that is happening is you are drifting further away from your kids. You say you won't be able to do a proper Plan B. You can if you choose to. Anything less than a proper Plan B is just going to make things hard for you and deflect you from moving on and getting back what you had with your kids.

Get a lawyer and have a custody hearing. You should get equal time seeing your kids. That will allow you to rebuild your R with them.

You need to let the lawyer fight for custody. Your WW is not showing signs of ending her affairs and coming back home.

Every day that you allow WW to keep the kids you weaken your chances in court to get them back.

Tell your lawyer that your WW is poisoning your kids against you and that is illegal and that you want him to get you custody.

You are in a war for your family. You can not win wars by being nice.

Here is my dilemma for the day.

The final restructure papers for the house need to be overnighted back to the mortgage company, immediately.

Her and I fought for this for years and it is literally the difference of keeping the house, and with an amount I can afford alone,... or having foreclosure proceedings start in short order.
They need to be signed by both of us, in front of a notary.
I am going to ask the bank for a little more time, but considering the struggle we went through for years just to have them accept a restructure, I very much doubt they will agree.
If they refuse to give me more time, I have to go to my MiL's... today... and talk with my wife about going to a notary and signing them.
Because I am the only name on the mortgage, the paper clearly states, under my wife's signature line, that she is exempt from occurring any debt in regard to the house (This is something I did not want to inform her of, but I have no other choice), but that she must sign to acknowledge the final agreement.

This has to be done. There is no other way around it.
I will also have to show up unannounced.

I am going to ask my mother to come with (she probably will not want to) for support. Even if I know she is only in the driveway waiting. I will likely then return to the lawyers office to arrange another meeting to describe the latest circumstances.

If I am to go to my MiL's today, is there any advice on what to talk with my WW about, or how to say it? If I must go, I would like to take the opportunity to make deposits and/or signify anything that will help the situation... if possible.

(I would also like to inform my MiL about this new affair, but am unsure how to do that with my WW present. If I do inform my MiL, it will likely take yet another unannounced visit, several days from now)

* I have some other questions related to my next actions, but will hold for now.

I would not do any of these things until I had written to Dr Harley and asked him.

I listened to your radio clip and he basically told you that you were coming off as a stalker and that you needed to back off, let the A die a natural death, focus on yourself, etc.

However since that radio call you have continued to follow and contact your W and now you're talking bout going to see her again and do affair-busting things. That's not what Dr Harley said to do.

Please write to Dr Harley and don't do anything yet.

I read your earlier post and listened to the call. Respectfully, I don't think the discrepancies you mentioned were anywhere near serious enough to invalidate their take on the situation. I think they, and we, can understand the dynamic.

It is very unfortunate, but you are only damaging your cause in trying to maintain any sort of contact with your WW.

Plan B. As for details that come up, like the house, deal with it as you would were you on another continent. No more in-persons on anything. Just business.

^^^^This!!!

Please write Dr. Harley again like we've been suggesting.

The mortgage company agreed to a few more days, so I have not done any of the above yet.
I did write to Dr. Harley again, yesterday.

If anyone has a suggestion as to how to have the papers signed, without seeing or talking with my WW, I would be happy to listen.
I am unsure how this will be possible, considering we both have to sign in ink (no faxes or copies), in front of a notary, and have the papers overnighted to the mortgage company, within the next 4 days.
My parents are strongly encouraging me to inform my wife this needs to be done...like today. These papers are the very last step in the process and are simply a technicality to have us confirm we know the mortgage will be cut in half. If they are not sent back, the cost goes right back up again and I will be retroactively charged the 1000's of dollars from the trial period.

About going silent...

What I know right now:
The periods of time that were signifying things were possibly getting better (watching movies together, going out to lunch, talking together in person, going shopping... etc.) were the direct result of my exposing the first affair, then maintaining communication with her. Asking her to do things, letting her know what I needed, asking what she needed, even playful teasing was showing some promise.
I know 100% she reads the messages that have been sent during this entire time.

What is confusing is that if she really wanted to not communicate or hear from me, she is listed as the primary on the family phone plan. With a single mouse click she could have my phone shut off. She could also easily change her number, but has done neither of these.
Weeks ago she said I needed to give her money for the phone bill. As I have several times before, I said I would love to help with that or any of the things the kids might need... if she would only let me know. I asked how much she needed for the bill but she would not say, so that has not happened.
Still the phone is on.
(It's not actually an expense for her. It goes on her mothers credit card)
Things went downhill when the plane ticket was discovered.
Off the cliff, when the new affair started.
I did the same thing as the first time and exposed the OM, but if I don't do the second part, I will be abandoning the things that were possibly working.
I know that IF and whatever I send will be read.
I do know how to make any communication on my part gentle, kind and positive... even if I receive an abusive comment or am told a lie.

In regard to the children. I now know to treat that as an entirely different situation. I will no longer mention anything about their mom, coming home, family, friends, school, or that I miss them. They are being told that if I do, it means I am doing bad things. So I will no longer be doing that. I have however calmly defended myself when the kids accuse me of falsehoods, they have been told by their mom.

Like I mentioned, I have done none of the above, but my parents are driving home the fact that if this doesn't happen, the house is gone. They are also encouraging me to again offer money to help with the children and phone related expenses.

You haven't made the arrangements that you need to do Plan B yet, so you are not going to Plan B today, are you?

If you intend to stay in the house, rather than sell it and get a cheaper place as someone else suggested (a very good idea), then ask your wife today to sign the papers as soon as you can get an appointment with a notary.

I don't understand what is so difficult.

I don't really understand this post. I am not clear what you are asking.

If you don't want to go to Plan B nobody can make you do so. We can only continue to advise you that your behaviour towards your wife has long had overtones of stalking her, and that in our opinion you need to stop it. We listened to your latest radio show, and we think that is what Dr Harley is telling you.

Give the papers to a notary and go separately to have them signed. It can even be on the same day. Have your parents communicate this to her.

Yes. Call a local mortgage refi company and ask who they use for mobile signings. Pay that notary (who would be familiar with loan paperwork) to go to her house.

Modifying a mortgage might buy some time to decide whether to stay or sell. However, I wouldn't agree to recasting a mortgage balance that is higher than the home values. You should get advice from a local loan/mortgage broker also in regards to the mortgage.

Don't do anything that would make the property more difficult to sell. Dr. H might suggest that you move.

But he might also suggest you stay put in case your wife has a change of heart.

What does your attorney say?

I took the chance yesterday and asked her if she would sign.
I reminded her it was the final step in what we fought hard to achieve.
She said yes and stated a time to meet.
It's in about an hour.
I'm going to be as calm, positive, flattering and outwardly confident as I have this whole time. I will gauge her willingness to talk, and if given the opportunity, express that I believe it would help us both if we scheduled times to talk with each other.

In regard to the house, the attorney I spoke with advised not putting another dime into making any needed repairs. He looked on it as although I am the only name on the mortgage and she is not subject to incurring any debt, it is still considered marital property, and if she were to research it, would discover she can try and take half, or even have me removed.
I on the other hand am leaning toward sprucing it up and making it an inviting place for my family to return to. If I were to sell it or not, this restructure needed to happen. Foreclosure processes move a lot swifter than sales.

During that day, she signed the papers, mentioned opening an account on her health insurance for me (not sure what she meant by that as I am already on it), said she would think about communicating more. But, she said all this in angry tones, rejected light compliments, and left very little time to talk.
Just before leaving the notary, she claimed she only signed to force a sale of the house, and take half.
She said I will be getting divorce papers through email, and that she already signed.

I had previously found additional family members of this new OM, but have done nothing with them. I did not inform my MiL (I am guessing she already knows). I stopped caring what my WW was doing or where she was going.

Since that day I have only sent a couple messages (in a single day) about wanting to start seeing the kids, picking them up from school on her work days. That it would be easier on her to not have to leave work and bring the kids back to hang out at her service station until late at night and my desire to return to the schedule we previously agreed upon (before she took them).

She had previously claimed "the kids need their father in their lives", and I reminded her of this. She did not object to my idea. I then started communicating to the kids about this and was met with angry refusal by them.
Since their mom did not come right out and agree, my children called me a liar and my middle child blocked me on FB.
I asked my wife what was happening and she said "they don't want to go and I cant force them". I explained all she had to do was let them know their dad would be picking them up on her workdays... she did not answer this.

I still send the kids goodnight messages and occasional things I know they are interested in, along with ideas on activities we might do together. I get no response.

A few days ago the mortgage company informed me of a technicality that requires us to go through the very same process again and overnighted the very same papers to be signed once more. I sent a message to my wife informing her of this, and that we needed to do it again. She agreed and I arranged for that to happen today.

My plan was that after today's meeting, I would write a PBL and go dark. But yesterday the email arrived with copies of the divorce papers. I never thought it would actually happen. They have been filed, but came with a letter that no court date has been set and I have 10 days to agree to the terms, or it will proceed.

She does not know I have seen them.
Very shortly after, I had to push back today's meeting by an hour and informed her of this, asking if we could change the time. She said "yes". I said Okay and wished her a great day at work. I added that I would love it if we could arrange a little time afterward (I figured what do I have to loose). We are still meeting today at the bank/ notary.

Other than needing to find a lawyer, is there anything else I can or should do? I had planned to apologize for anything I might have done to have her feel alone and unloved, ***Edit***
* And then go to Plan B.

But,as of yesterday, I don't know what to do or say today... if anything.
Should I still attempt to try and take this opportunity to do this? Is there a suggestion on what I should do or say?

I do not plan on saying anything about the email, and if asked, planned to say I do not know what she is talking about.
That if true, there is no need to do it and express my feelings that she should call it off.

Thanks everyone.