Is it an iPhone? Imessages do not show up on the call logs.

We are not trying to offend you or him Southpaw. But as LongWayFromHome mentioned, if there is an affair that you don't know about, your efforts will be useless.
A porn habit can also make you look very undesirable to your husband, kill his motivation and prevent progress.

Many spouses lay the groundwork for divorce by commucating with families and going to therapy. But it is all a front to appear blameless. Of course, their "efforts" dont pay off. After the divorce they exercise their options. This is not us condemning the innocent, it is a possibility that needs to be ruled out because you can't afford to take the wrong steps in a crisis situation.

Okay, look. I looked through this forum, I thought it would be helpful. But what I'm seeing is a relentless badgering and insistence instead of helpfulness. I think maybe I will stick with the website and figure out which book to start with on my own.

I came here looking for support and what I got what a host of strangers accusing my husband of an affair and nothing else. I actually feel 10 times worse than I did this this morning, which really sucks because after I found the site and he and I were reading it together last night, we were both encouraged and excited to get started when we put the kids to bed tonight. Now I feel like crap. You might want to rethink your approach with new people who come here looking for help.

And there is a very good reason for that.

The red flags that others have pointed out, the feelings of "love but not being in love", being in withdrawal and recoiling from your touch, I have been on these forums for almost 10 years and EVERY time a poster shows up here with a spouse exhibiting these behaviors, it's an affair 100% of the time.

100% of the time.

Conversely, about 95% of posters who show up here DO NOT want to believe it. They are almost offended at the suggestion. And they all say they have snooped and KNOW there is no affair only to later come back later saying they were wrong.

Have you read the information on this site?

We are here to promote Dr Harley's materials. He would tell you to snoop and he would be highly suspicous of an affair, as we are. And he emphasizes how COMMON affairs are.

This may be true. I would still put a keylogger on his cell phone.

Does he mention quitting the marriage over these lack of feelings about you? frustrated?

Southpaw, the worst thing we could do is assume anything, because then the advice we give you would be all wrong. There are many, many red flags here that indicate there is an affair behind your problems. An affair has to be ruled out first before we give you any advice. If we assume there is no affair and there actually IS an affair, all the advice we give you will be wrong and your marriage will just get worse.

"1. Yes, I think that's pretty much where he is at the moment."

The reason I asked you if he "loved you but is not in love with you" is because this is a classic sign of an affair. In order to know this, the spouse must have a new point of comparison. So your husband is comparing his feelings to something else. In my 15 years on this board it has always been an indication of an affair.

Men who have no comparison point suffer through a bad marriage, but don't want to split. Men who want to split do so because they are focused on a more exciting alternative. They won't fess up because they have thought about it, and know that would hurt you and make them look bad.

Southpaw,

When I first came to this website, many people warned me that I needed to check to see if my wife was having an affair. I was very offended.

My wife wasn't having an affair, but she started one online a few months later!

You asked "Where should we start?" The answer is that you should always start by proving no affair is happening. Always.

Where should you go after that? You should see if your husband will read the Basic Concepts, and see if he is enthusiastic about following them. If he is, you are home free. If not, come back and we'll talk about what you can do.

"I'm not sure what else I can rule out. I've told you that I've looked at his emails. I've looked at his facebook messages. I've looked at his phone and have looked at the online number logs. I know where he is all the time via GPS. I've looked at his browser history. I can't access his work computer. All of his emails on that computer are logged and reviewed by his supervisor per industry rules. He has a strong work ethic and if he was having an affair, he wouldn't be broadcasting it to his employers and jeopardizing his job by using his work computer to do it."

Just so you know, ppl in affairs delete all traces typically. Phone logs are deleted, disguised, and GPS is no problem if a workplace affair. Even then, the dumbest wayward can turn off GPS or leave a phone behind. We know of workplace affairs that took place for years with no call logs, emails, no nothing.

And maybe it is not an affair at at all, but it has to be ruled out. I believe you when you say you "know" him, but you do not know waywards. WE DO. Please trust us when we say it must be ruled out. You can't assume anything.

"
We have been seeing a therapist for almost 6 months now. I have done quite a bit on my end to reduce stress in the house, take a more positive outlook and get rid of some of my stress related habits like angry outbursts and just being miserable all the time. I feel better and our kids feel better. My husband has been taking a more proactive approach around the house with the kids which has helped me to get where I am. He acknowledges that the house is a much better place. But he is frustrated that in spite of these changes, his romantic feelings have not returned. He recoils when I touch him. He said it's like an alarm goes.off in his head saying no, this isn't right. He's starting to worry that maybe we should not be together as his feelings aren't changing. I'm of course in a bad emotional place as I'm scared to lose this person whom I love so much. So I'm glad that I found this site yesterday."

Here is another major red flag. The spouse will jump through hoops to make the disgruntled spouse happy and nothing seems to work. EVER. You solve every issue he brings and nothing works. It can never work, though, when his lovebank is closed to you. The whole point of this exercise is to keep your off balanced and to blame yourself for the demise of the marriage.

If you resolved all his complaints about you then how do you explain the nothing is working?

The fact that your husband doesn't desire sex with you and actually shudders when you touch him makes me think he has made a commitment to someone else to not "cheat" on her.

I think there is MUCH going on here you don't know about.

Do you always blow things out of proportion like this? People here are trying to help you. You came here looking for help, and we are trying to help you. Nobody said they are certain your H is having an affair. What I and everyone else now has said is that there are many red flags, and that you need to rule this out by exploring all avenues FIRST. Every single post is affair related, because of the great number of red flags in your story that indicate an affair.

Of course you feel worse. Because in the back of your head you are considering the possibility that he may be in an affair. And that feels terrible. Affairs are terrible.

But we are here to help you. We are the impartial observers to this story afterall. You are not impartial, you are in the middle of it. We would not be very helpful or do you any service to sugar coat the red flags to make you feel better. We would not be doing you any favors to brush the possibility that there is an affair under the rug.

You can be upset and offended, that was not anyone's intent. But your marriage is still going to be falling apart and the possibility that it is due to an affair, will still be there whether you post here for help or not. And let me warn you that if you ignore the possibility and it turns out to be true, the longer the affair goes on the more entrenched it becomes and the harder it is to fight. The longer it goes on the more likelihood there is that your marriage will be over.