I approach the subject of forgiveness from the perspective of someone (me) who believes in forgiveness, but also believes that marriage should be fair. Since, in many cases, forgiveness is unfair, what should be done? As you will see in my responses to the three letters I've chosen, I support just compensation for some marital offenses, so I don't always recommend forgiveness. It should be an encouragement to those of you who have been feeling guilty about being unable to forgive and forget. But, at the same time, it should also encourage offenders, because the compensation I propose will earn you a terrific marriage, and it won't hurt at all.

Ideally, as I discussed in Part 2 of this series, an unfaithful spouse should choose to permanently separate from a lover and return to his or her spouse to rebuild the marriage. In that situation, after a period of withdrawal, both spouses usually attack the task of marriage rebuilding with a remarkable zeal. Granted, there are scars, but the fact that the unfaithful spouse was willing to abandon the lover to save the marriage is usually viewed as an appropriate first payment toward just compensation. Especially if there is willingness to make the other payments, to overcome Love Busters, do a better job meeting the victimized spouse's emotional needs, and create a more integrated lifestyle.

Here's a good start...

Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

Coping With Infidelity Part 3 - Restoring the Marital Relationship

FC -- You would be wise to read every single thing on this website AND all of Dr. Harley's books. You are a school teacher for goodness sakes -- Arming yourself with knowledge must be second nature to you, no?

Here's another way to think of JC in girl terms:

What if you loaned me your very best handbag -- let's say it was a Coach bag. I took it out and completely ruined it -- got Sharpie Marker all over it -- spilled olive oil on it and took it with me to a bar where someone was smoking a cigar and burned a giant hole in it. It's obviously beyond repair, and you are understandably torn up about it -- upset -- resentful -- ANGRY. Naturally, you no longer trust me. But the next day I come to your door and offer you an old Coach bag I found at a Thrift Shop to replace yours -- it's the same style and color as the one I borrowed from you, but it's old and ragged, and plus it's not YOUR BAG! You had loved that bag so much!

You take it, but you aren't happy with it. I really didn't appear all that sorry about what I'd done to yours -- in fact, I acted as though you should be GRATEFUL that I even bothered giving you a bag at all.

That would really suck, wouldn't it?

On the other hand, what if instead I had come to you apologizing for my carelessness and negligence, asked your forgiveness, promised never to do something like that again -- and backed up that promise with an action that demonstrated my sincerity -- like say replacing your bag with a brand new Hermes Birkin bag?

You might feel just a little different towards me then, eh?

FC, you threw a grenade into your marriage, have done nothing to help repair the damage that you caused, and now have the audacity to complain about that damage and act as though someone else is at fault for it? REALLY? Get a grip! You can do better than this.

Mrs. W