You will need to up these hours.
To recover from an affair, you not only need to affair proof the marriage (cutting off contact with OM, moving, etc), but you must work to create a romantic marriage.
The way to build that romantic marriage is through avoiding withdrawals from the lovebank (lovebusters), and making lovebank deposits (meeting emotional needs).
The most important emotional needs are called the four Intimate Emotional Needs: Conversation, Affection, Recreational Companionship and Sexual Fulfillment.
In order to meet these emotional needs most efficiently, you will need to go on 4, 3-4 hour dates outside the house every week for a total minimum 15 hours a week. This Undivided Attention time is essential to recover -- nothing else will work without it.

How are the lovebusters between the two of you? Do you fight? Does she ever make you angry?

Some of your posts seem to suggest that you have a temper -- do you?

Invite your wife to join you in this program, and start taking her out on dates. Tell her you care very much for her and your marriage, and you want to create the marriage of her dreams.

Here is a worksheet that can help you plan out your week of dates: Undivided Attention Worksheet

Make sure that the dates you plan are enjoyable for both of you. It doesn't have to be expensive as long as you both are enjoying yourself -- driving around, window shopping, and craigslist counts as long as they are a large block of time (3-4 hours) and you both enjoy doing them AND you spend the time being affectionate and talking (sitting quietly in the car, staring at your phone DOESN'T count, for instance). Make sure that showing each other attention is your priority -- make this YOUR priority, especially, since you are the husband. You need this attention, too, but she needs it even more than you do.

If you do this consistently, and there are no lovebusters, you will be in love within 2-3 months. And you will feel on top of the world -- all the anger and resentment you are now feeling will be a distant memory.

Good post - he needs to court her and win her over to this plan, and when he does, he will receive the healing he needs.

Please don't think I am ignoring you for the past few hours. I have been reading up on your recommendations. Much of it is old territory for me as my father worked in many support groups and was open and willing to share his experiences with me. The verbage is different, and there are more assumptions made here than he did, but it is essentially the same. Right now I am in The "Most Important Emotional Needs" section going over the categories before the Emotional Needs survey. I intend to send a copy to my wife so we can proceed together. She will not have time to see it until tonight, and until then I am looking at the needs' descriptions and trying to identify her most important based on my observations of her.
This may not be the best method, but I would rather stay engaged while reading and putting something down on paper makes me feel better.

Be sure that when you send it to her, you send it as an invitation -- You would like to do this, and you would like to invite her to do it with you. Don't spring it on her as a demand of something she has to do.

When you get a chance, please answer these. How you answer will determine exactly what you need to do.

I very much doubt that anything you have come across elsewhere is "essentially the same" as the Marriage Builders programme. This programme is unique.

Pease read How Dr Harley Learned to Save Marriages . You will understand how this programme is different from all others - even those that do a bad job of plagiarising it.

Here is what I have. I have not yet sent it though. I have told her I am working through this still, so mentioning it should not be a shock.
What are your thoughts?

I have been thinking over how to get over this [OM] thing. I am attaching a questionnaire I would like to both to do when things settle down tonight. I really like how well we have been doing for the past week, and would like to do more with you to create the marriage we keep talking about.
Would you be willing to do this with me?

I am looking at it now and am second guessing whether it is manipulative, playing on her own shame and guilt, and not leaving her an option.
Often this is my though process before I speak with her, and was when she called me that night.

1. Leave out the first sentence. Don't link this to the "OM thing".

2. Talk to her about this. This sounds as if you are thinking of sending an email with an attachment. That's not very seductive. Have a conversation about the exciting marriage programme that you have come across, and, as the conversation develops, encourage her to browse the articles Dr Harley has written.

3. Do not show her this forum.

There is no reason for you to bring up the OM or affair from 6 years ago. Why don't you change it to something like this:

My lovely W, I would love to have a romantic passionate relationship with you! I have found a program that I think might help us to achieve that. Would you be willing to do this with me? I am attaching some of the materials for the program if you are interested. Love, H

I would be more than happy to discuss this with you in an appropriate forum.

It would be okay for you to send an email or text, as long as it sounded very romantic, as unwritten suggests. Don't make it sound like a business proposition!

I wasn't intending to discuss it - I was just setting you straight. However, if you want to discuss it, go ahead and start a thread "in an appropriate forum".

I agree.
I think I like your approach.
And sent, thank you.

Her reply minus the fuzz:
I would love to sit down with you and go through the questionnaire. I would like for us to have goals to work on and towards a happier and healthier marriage.

How are the lovebusters between the two of you? Do you fight? Does she ever make you angry?
Selfish demands have in the past been an issue. These would usually take the form of playing on the emotions of the other, playing on eachother's shame and guilt. Neither one of us has enough power over the other to outright threaten the other, but I think the concept is the same.
Disrespectful judgments don't seem to be an issue. I cannot think of any instance where we have tried to force a change in the others values or beliefs. As an example we do not share a religious belief, and in fact our two beliefs are the antithesis of eachother. We are not afraid to voice our beliefs, and to even debate them, and we do not attack them, or change them.
Angry outbursts can be a tricky one for us, as they are not always yelling and screaming. This is one that we are working on. With things being so rough lately we have had outbursts maybe two to three times a week. Almost always over something petty.
I think I have more annoying habits than she does. I am terrible at cleaning after myself made all the worse because it has only started happening recently (within the past 3 years). The habit that annoys me most is her staring at her phone when I would like to talk to her, but this is unfair because if i tell her I would like to talk to her she puts it down... so... well... There were some instances where I would be interrupted int he middle of speaking so she could go off on an unrelated tangent without returning. We did speak about this and has it not happened for the past week. (It was a week ago we reopened this issue)
Independent behavior: The couple of months I was taking to gather my nerve to start this process were largely spent on gaming to the exclusion of my wife. This is about the only instance as we do nearly everything together. Occasionally she will want to go to the store alone, and this is not usually planned and does not hurt my feelings. I can understand the desire to be alone for a short time, especially in our chaotic house.
Honesty has been a core value of ours for a long time. I cannot think of a time when she has lied to me, or tried to deceive me. Other than the affair and bringing home a cat against my wishes her honesty is beyond question. Even in these instances she was honest and open about what happened, how she felt then, and how she felt after. On my part, I don't think I could lie to my wife if I wanted to, first there is nothing worth keeping from her, and second she knows me well enough to see right through me.

Do we fight? We used to. It has been over a year since our last real argument. Everything since then has been disagreements that were resolved peacefully. I don't think this was a result of any harmony, but instead a result of both of us starting to check out of the marriage.

Does she make me angry? Actual anger, no. Frustration, yeah. Subtle I know but there it is. Usually my frustration is a result of her not understanding what I am saying. We have very different ways of thinking and often an exceptional effort has to be made to communicate clearly.

Some of your posts seem to suggest that you have a temper -- do you?
Inherently no, I do not believe I do. This re-visitation of the affair is a part of something larger my wife and I are working on. I have been wanting to lose weight for some time and have started to examine what my emotional motivation is for over eating. The big answer was depression, but that is not the answer because it comes to what is causing the depression. The affair is one of those things. I mentioned this to my wife and she started working with me to get through this. I believe my temper is another symptom of my emotional imbalance caused by her affair, and other factors. As we work through these I believe my anger will dissipate as many of you have indicated.

We can do that.

Would it surprise you to know I don't expect it to take this long.
This is not the first time we have had something large dent our marriage. While this is much larger I think the steps we took then would also work now. They have so far.

OK. Tonight the questionnaire. And getting out of the house. And talking. I like to hear her talk. And sing.
I have really missed my wife and am really happy I can see us walking toward eachother again.

I pulled a late shift tomorrow so I won't be online until early afternoon eastern time. My fist thing will be to check this string.

This is all very good.
I would encourage you to be on the lookout for disrespectful judgements, anyway. Read up on them, anyway. The reason? Disrespectful judgements are the HARDEST lovebuster for most people to spot in themselves. Most people who show up do not realize they are disrespectful with each other, but they are. So, learn to recognize them by Marriage Builders standards. It's something to keep tabs on.

This is the most damaging lovebuster to a marriage. Can you resolve to never have another angry outburst again?

very, very good answer. My original question was a test, you see. I wanted to know if you knew the difference between frustration and anger. Dr. Harley's position is that nobody can make you angry. They can cause you to feel frustration, and what you do with that frustration is your choice. You can respond calmly, or you can have an angry outburst. Your choice.

You're going to have to stop talking about the affair. If you know everything that happened, and the circumstances that lead to the affair have been changed, then you will need to never speak of it again. Each time you do, it will trigger you, and you will not recover. It will need to be left in the past, from this point forward.

Yes, I can. I feel there is more emotional work before I can follow through long term.
Which leads me to ask if I can allow myself to be angry. If so how can I be angry without withdrawing from her love bank?

I understand your point, and it is something I will do. My intention was to let you know the work I am doing with my marriage is part of a larger picture of regaining my mental health. My wife has told me she is willing to help me, and I would like her to. In order for that to happen we must first heal our marriage.

Tarrasque, the basic rule is that when you feel frustrated, you need to say and do nothing, other than relaxing until the adrenaline has left your bloodstream. In fact you can even practice relaxation ahead of time until it's your automatic, habitual response to frustration. When you do, your brain will have literally rewired itself to focus on problem solving instead of producing an angry outburst.

Take a look at our Anger Management 101 thread and listen to the radio show recordings from Dr. Harley that it lists:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2603602