Prisca is giving you one of the most important rules for healing your marriage.

Yes.

My anger out outbursts different in comparison to someone like Tyrone. I certainly do not become physical, though emotional attacks in many ways are much worse. This will take some practice and patience to become proficient at.

Prisca, I am afraid I will need to recant a bit of this statement.
Last night Wife and I went out to a quiet dinner for a few hours and each did the Emotional Needs questionnaire. I don't know what it means when she laughs at some of what I put down, but I will take it as a good thing, or her embarassment. What she put down was nothing surprising to me, more of an affirmation of what she has been trying to tell me for some time.
When we were driving home we began to talk more in depth about different aspects of our Emotional Needs. What came up for her was affection. She enjoyed how I showed it, and wanted more of it; however, she felt that I would display affection as a way to manipulate her into having sex.
The more we looked at this idea the more it seemed I have many ways of manipulating her, and many ways of playing on her emotions. I was not conscious of having this much power over her, and it would seem I did.
I am feeling that the deeper I get into this the more I am not liking what I see. Which is the point I suppose, because if we don't see it we can't change it. If we don't like it we have more motivation to change it.
I find my self not feeling real happy with who I am right now.

There is nothing wrong with who you are. The mutual meeting of emotional needs is what marriage is all about. You need to be affectionate more often as that is clearly a major need of hers. She needs to attend to your emotional needs, too; not in direct exchange for what you do but as an expression of care on her part. Both of you share equally in accomplishing the goal, here.

You seem to think that your Giver is good and your Taker is bad. They are both you, and you will have to learn to balance them both if you are going to achieve a sustainable romantic relationship.

You do need to make sure you spend some time being affectionate to her when it won't lead to sex.
One of the best ways of doing that is actually scheduling sex on your weekly UA calendar. She will not feel that the affection you're giving her on Monday is only you manipulating her for sex when she knows that sex is planned for Tuesday.

Left unchecked, your angry outbursts will very likely progress to becoming physical. It will happen suddenly, with no warning, and will surprise you. You will not see it coming.

The time markos left a bruise on my arm surprised us both, him included. He really is a gentle man and had never laid a hand on me before.

Angry outbursts are a form of insanity. And they get worse and worse until you put a stop to them.

And I can tell you from experience that the words said in anger are just as hurtful and abusive as the bruise left on an arm. Your words truly can shatter your wife.

You will need to practice thinking of frustrating situations while remaining calm. Retrain your brain, as markos described.

I believe the biggest issue I am having here is I don't know what my emotional needs are. In the past years many of the conversations my wife and I have had have focused on how I can change to make things better. We have not often spoken about what she could do to help me meet my needs. I think this has contributed heavily to my resistance to acknowledging the needs of my Taker.


We have spoken about this, and I think the calendar is an excellent idea. Unfortunately she has some medical considerations that does not always make scheduling possible. We have come up with a different system to accomplish this.


I recognize the danger of angry outbursts. I can remember times when I have shattered my wife, and I know she has done the same to me. We have been speaking about it and recognize we both need to practice remaining calm.

Right now I am recognizing many areas of my self I can improve to meet my wife's emotional needs better. One thing I am having an issue with is identifying and qualifying what my needs are. I know my wife would be willing to meet my needs, my issue is that I am not able to tell her exactly what those needs are. The emotional needs questionnaire was an excellent tool to start speaking about this, and laying a foundation to start speaking on more difficult, or deeper needs.
So what is a good way to identify what my needs are? My wife seems to be feeling guilty because I have been listening and started responding to her needs, but she has not been able to do the same for me because I have been unable to tell her what I need.
I recognize my Taker is a part of me, and that I have likely been postponing it's needs to provide as best I could for my wife. I also recognize this is not a position that can be maintained in a healthy way.
How do I know what to tell her?

When you filled out the emotional needs questionaire, what did you score the highest?

Sex and affection were the top.