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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
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You are reading the wrong books. Surviving An Affair is the appropriate book for your situation. Stop Lovebusters and get a copy of Surviving An Affair on Kindle today. You are trying to fix the wrong things because you are reading the wrong advice. Waywards prefer His Needs Her Needs because without the additional info from Surviving An Affair, they are able to excuse athemselves and blame their spouse. This is obviously what your husband has done.
He is 100% responsible for the affair. You are 0% responsible.
To recover the marriage, he needs to commit to the marriage and meeting your needs.
You need to commit to no more angry outbursts. But he owes you just compensation.
Watch Dr. Harley's video on surviving infidelity. It is an extremely helpful overview.
Would your husband be willing to start his own thread?
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 863
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Would your husband be willing to start his own thread? Apples, I don't think she should bring him here - she's being urged to pursue spyware.
Are you living in a covenant with death? With bitterness in your marriage? Read Isaiah 28. The bed will not be long enough or the covers wide enough for you to ever find comfort in that life. In Isaiah 28, God tells you to take a stick and beat these conditions out of your life.
Isaiah 28:29 "This [command] also cometh forth from the Lord of hosts, which is wonderful in counsel, and excellent in working."
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Would your husband be willing to start his own thread? That would be a disaster. He is obviously wayward and will be furious if he reads the advice here.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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The biggest issues here are this:
1. your husband is neglecting you horribly
2. you are enabling this horrible neglect
3. you reduce your own value to your husband by allowing him to mistreat you. it makes you look very unattractive to be hanging around making yourself available to be mistreated Thanks for your blunt honesty here. I am beginning to see this now. My questions are how do I even begin to repair this, when I have enabled him this long? When I accepted and forgave what he has done? When I trusted that he has ended it? When I have allowed him to not meet my needs for so long (because I believed didn't I wasn't deserving of having them met)? The first thing you do is go to him with the Forgive article and the EP checklist in hand. Tell him you are sorry for your part in the bad marriage but that is no excuse for an affair. Tell him you are willing to do what it takes to create a romantic marriage but that can't happen as long as he refuses to meet your needs. Your needs have been neglected for years and this is what it will take to keep you in this marriage: [<------use this very verbiage] 1. Go through the MB program and learn to do an excellent job of meeting each others needs 2. Avoid lovebusters 3. Commit to 20-25 hours per week of UA time meeting each others top intimate needs � 4 � 4 hour dates 4. Resolve the issue of his poor boundaries around women. He must practice extraordinary precautions to avoid this from ever happening again. Eliminate all opposite sex friendships
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
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I am struggling here, post "his affair", because I feel like (and he has told me) that I can't figure out new ways to meet his needs. He is also withdrawn from our marriage of me not meeting his needs, almost 2 years post affair and he still feels empty from me not filling his needs. (He also is not meeting mine, and he knows it. He wants me to prove that I can meet his first.)
Is this a real meetable emotional need? (To be a mind reader is what I feel like he is asking me to do.)
- You are a grown woman and you know it is impossible to read minds. I don�t think we need to address this. You shouldn�t be chasing him, he should be chasing you. I would speak to him and tell him what I told you. In the meantime you need to prepare for separation regardless of your financial situation. You need to figure that out.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Dec 2016
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**EDIT**
moderator's note: please familiarize yourself with Marriage Builders materials before posting to others. The purpose of our forum is to help posters with MB concepts, not to share personal philosophies. Please contact me directly if you wish to further discuss. Thank you, Denali
Last edited by Denali; 12/09/16 06:56 PM. Reason: TOS non MB advice
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