There was no stellar Plan A though and that is not MB advice.

I'm not sure why you come in behind Prisca and marcos and give different advice than they did on this very thread, and then use them as an example of success to follow your non-MB advice. Very inappropriate.

When will you tell him this?

so he agreed his behaviour was wrong, and to get help with the anger and we have once again, slipped into regular life. I am in a familiar place, comfortable but uneasy because I know nothing has really changed, but I hate the tension and hostility and especially at Christmas. I noticed there were a few comments regarding this as an abusive marriage. This behavior I mentioned earlier, would this be considered abusive, even if most of the time he is nice and non-threatening? I feel so confused because from my experience with him in the past was volatile, he has told me to get out of his house, called me names, restricted me from leaving a room, thrown things, behaved very aggressive and unrelenting. He was drinking a lot during those days and has since stopped drinking so things have improved. But these memories will not go away and this recent event has brought it all back, I have realized that behaviour is still right there under the surface. I am reaching out to you because you are objective, you have nothing to gain or lose by your honesty.

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

Google the cycle of abuse. Or read it on wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

If your sister/best friend was in your situation, what would you advise?

Abusers are not abusive 24/7. They are really nice people for quite some time. But every once in a while, the abuser pops up. Do you really want to wait for that moment to know the answer to your question?

No matter how nice you are to Dr. Jekyll, eventually Hyde will show again.

If he were abusive all the time, you would leave. Because he also shows his sweet side, you think it is safe to stay in this situation. It is not.

Thank you goody2shoes, you have put things in perspective like no one ever has for me before. I think that is where I get so stuck. He can be very nice a lot of the time, and most things I have read makes it sound as though abusive situations are just terrible all or most of the time. For me, it isn't like that, it's fine most of the time with occasional "hiccups" along the way.
I have googled the cycle of abuse and found a lot of useful information. Thank you again

My sister has been in an abusive situation and at the time, I wasn't able to protect her, or make her see in what situation she really was. She is now married to a good man and applies MB principles.

Could you pleas read "what to do with an angry husband" again and tell us what your plan is?

MB is so good, because it gives you a step by step plan to really improve your situation and, very important, it does so while protecting you from harm.

It is not about staying married at all costs. Safety, both emotional and physical, is top priority. Read the article and re-read your thread. Marcos and Prisca already gave you really good advice.

How old are your children? Do you have family living near you?

I will wait until the holidays are over, and kids are back to school. Things are back to 'normal' right now so I don't want to rock the boat until the timing is right.

my situation isn't life-threatening or even physically threatening at this point. The 'what to do with an angry husband' looks okay but I don't know what the acronyms mean.

My plan is to approach the issue after the holidays or sooner if there happens to be another 'episode'. In the meantime I will keep reading so I don't forget during this 'normal' time. I have an understanding of what 'gaslighting' and 'hoovering' means and I believe that is what I am experiencing on a regular basis with him. We are in a time where I begin to doubt what has happened since the discussion about it has ground to a halt, it is a time where he 'loves me', helping out more, showing affection, care and attention. It is hard to 'disrupt' this time of 'normalcy' and peace because the alternative is so unpleasant, tense etc.

my plan...well I believe he is a narcissist, from what I understand, is not something that will change and will wear me down over the years more and more, which I do see happening. he is great in many ways, he isn't the type to cheat, put me down physically and he tries to be supportive with my business. I will approach the subject after the holidays and have a plan in place to force a separation if he refuses help. I'm not sure I want to stay with him even if he does accept help...I feel my love supply is depleted from everything that has happened in the past. He says to not revisit the past, live in the present and your thoughts become reality.

my children are 13 and 9 and I have my mother and a couple close friends nearby who are aware of the dramas in my family life.

at the end of the day I don't 100% know what to do because most of the time things are good...or at least to me they are but maybe I've been in this chaos so long that I don't know what 'good' is anymore. This is beyond confusing.

Here Please Explain Gaslighting

Btrsweet,

Are you sure your husband is not suffering from bipolar disorder? People in a (hypo)manic state can be selfabsorbed. I find it very concerning that your husband gathers debt over debt in copious amounts. Please start getting legal advice on how you can protect yourself and your children financially.

I am not sure if he is bipolar�I�ve looked up the symptoms and he doesn�t seem to have the �low� moments they describe. I do think he has some mental illness�he is somewhat manic at times. He can go on a rant or lecture about something he feels passionate about for a very long time. We went to visit family (over an hour drive) and he talked the entire drive about his business, how he�s in the process of selling one of the houses to a friend who will give him back some of the money to invest into his business (news to me), and how he plans to try and get $250,000 from investors to grow his business into a big franchise, how he�s gotten so many great reviews�etc, etc. I barely said two words on the entire drive, he barely spoke to the kids. We just sat in silence listening to him go on and on about his dreams. We are a captive audience. From what I have read this is narcissistic behaviour. I did the narcissist quiz a while ago with him (he had no idea what it was about) and he scored off the charts for being a narcissist. I�ve spent so much time and energy trying to figure him out and what is wrong, and I just don�t care anymore. Its just too draining and doesn�t really solve anything.
This time last week we got into a dispute and he was practically threatening to end the relationship yet again. We have since moved on from this and now he�s super happy, telling me how awesome I am, which is confusing. Last night I said I was going out for a coffee with my friend for a little bit and he wouldn�t acknowledge me, say goodbye nothing. I was so stressed out, I told my friend I felt like I was cheating with her. When I came home he seemed fine, asked me how it went. This morning I went to take a shower after he left for work and he had written on the mirror that he loves me and I�m awesome, and when I got into the shower I saw he had written it several times in there too. My first reaction is to be unsettled by this, which might seem ungrateful or negative. Most people would probably say that it was a sweet gesture for him to do that but I fills me with dread because I know how that can so easily swing the other way and he can give the bad as swiftly and easily and he can deliver the good. How can someone be so hateful, angry and try to tear someone down one minute and be all �in love� and passionate about lifting someone up the next? I trust nothing anymore.
He posted something on facebook Christmas Eve, a photo of our kids in front of the tree, with a huge speech about how lucky he is and then it spiraled into the history of Christmas, Jesus etc etc. I found it hard to understand and a little fanatical. We are not religious people, we never went to church until this year we started going, he reads religious books, self help etc etc and he feel as though he is the authority when it comes to anything he�s touched on in his life.

the part where he is being sweet and kind, making an effort to get groceries, help getting supper etc...this is when it gets confusing because in my heart I find I can't fully enjoy it because I'm always waiting for the 'other shoe to drop'...He loves to bring up in heated moments how he does this and he does that and I appreciate nothing, I don't support him enough. Maybe I don't? how can I be 'in' 100% when he can switch to nasty on a dime? Its really hard to relax.

I sense if I were to leave, he would get crazy. I think he would stop at nothing to make things very hard for me, no mercy.

If you would leave, we would help you with your strategy. If you want to leave, you must plan and prepare in advance.

And what happyheart said, get legal advice,