SugarCane produces very healthy sugar, so just keep up your good work and don't be suspicious of other's compliments. It is very important to treat all people on this forum who are asking for help on the equal footing with respect and friendliness as you have done here. I singled you out just because I happened to read this thread and liked your politeness very much, among other good and helpful qualities you have. Do you have any objection of me praising you, SugarCane? Did I came across as condescending? If yes, how so?

I am sure the original thread owner would like us to all be supportive to each other especially on his thread. Sorry for any sidetrack as it was not my intension at all.

You come across as condescending because, either you are implying that I have not always treated "all people on this forum who are asking for help on the equal footing with respect and friendliness", or you are implying that other people don't do this, and that mine is the post that stands out. Either way, I don't care for the implication, and I don't consider it a compliment.

Who made you the judge of what is a polite post, and what isn't? I don't think you are in any position to criticise the posts of others - and criticising them is what you are doing, not complementing them. I am well aware of that.

It simply is not done for a poster to join another person's thread in order to comment on a third person's posting style, especially since it is clearly your intention to criticise the general posts made on this forum. That is an agenda, and it does not belong on this thread.

I have notified the moderators that I find your posts to me on this thread objectionable. You should now let this matter drop. I don't need a reply from you.

Yes, AlwaysSmile, you do come across as condescending. You jumped on her when she tried to help you, and now you're praising her. Maybe that's not considered rude and suspicious in your culture, but it is in ours.

AlwaysSmile: The purpose of this forum is to help others find solutions using Marriage Builders concepts. We ask that you keep this in mind when posting to others.

Please do not jump onto threads with the sole purpose of critiquing/discussing people's posting styles. Any questions, send me an email.

Thank you.

Sugar Cane,
Not sure if you saw my post in response to your questions and comments a few days. Anyway, I changed my no contact letter to reflect more of what the Plan B letter looks like. I referred to the letter drafted by John to Sue in SAA. Mine is completely different in content, but the same in tone.

Sorry, Just: yes I did see your response. Thank you for getting back to me. I was a bit bothered by what you wrote, but I did not want to criticise anything when you are clearly already at a very low ebb. None of this is your fault, and I certainly would not have been able to cope with what you've been through.

However, since you asked, here is what bothered me:

I felt that you didn't answer my question about whether your girls actually want to split their time this way, and whether they want to stay at their mother's house, ever. You did tell me that they know about the trolling, but not whether they had been given the choice about not being in this environment, or even better, whether you had simply said that your wife could see the kids, but not have them to stay.

I also was very bothered about your pointing out that she Skypes in her bedroom, where they can't hear. I'm sorry, but her locking the door is not protecting them. She's having online sex with men - well, okay, one particular man today - and it is not alright for her kids to be in the house while she does this. You should not sanction this behaviour.

I was also a bit bothered about this. Why did you volunteer to let her have the girls half the time, given how she intends to lead her life? Why didn't you offer for her to see them, but no joint physical or legal custody?

If this had had to go before a judge, and you had told him or her what your wife had admitted to wanting to do with other men, don't you think you'd have had a good chance of sole custody? Why, then, didn't you fight for that?

It really worries me that you have given both the girls and your wife the impression that, while you abhor her behaviour, the most civilised course of action is for you to separate that from what you think of her as a parent.

She's lost nothing from her choices. She has the same relationship to her children as you do; you signed this into rights. I don't think that should be so. If you pitched for full custody you might lose, but you would have at least made the moral position clear.

**EDIT**

Moderator's Note: Stop!

AlwaysSmile: Do NOT post on this thread again or any other thread for the purposes of starting a fight with another poster. This will not be tolerated.

Sugar cane,
The girls want to be with their Mom also. They know what she is doing is wrong, but they want to be with her half the time.

I am ten days into a real Plan B, and I am doing much better because of it. Thanks everyone. Wishing you all a Merry Christmas.

Very glad to hear it, Justthe3ofus. Have a good Holiday with your daughters.

Yes!!!

That is wonderful news. I'm so glad you took this step and reap the benefits. Merry Christmas!!

Plan B is going well. I've had no contact. However, my wife took my daughters to the City for a couple of days over their break. My daughter texted me a picture of a landmark they passed on their way home from the trip. This landmark is not located in a place that they would drive past on the way home, so I asked her how was it they passed it. She mentioned that my WW took a two hour excursion to visit the apartment she and I lived in when we first married 25 years ago. Our newlywed years were great, and the apartment elicits many fond memories as it was fun and exciting place to live. Our friends and family always enjoyed visiting us there. Anyway, my WW and DD's got out and walked around the complex, and my wife shared stories with them.

I figure that my wife missed me while she was on this vacation with the girls. While they were gone, I missed her too as knowing they were together in the City reminded me of the fun times we spent together as a family all those years. This particular trip they took is one that we would always take together as a family between Christmas and New Years.

Just to be clear, I don't fish for information about what WW is doing when I talk to the girls. In fact, when they bring her up, I ask them not to unless it pertains to them and is something I need to know.

I have no idea what is really going on with my wife these days, and I make it my business not to know. But I definitely felt sad when my daughter shared with me they had visited that apartment.

On another note, I am pulling away from my in-laws. I have always loved them like my own family, and they have been kind and supportive through all this. But they are also supportive of WW, and I cannot be around those who support what has happened, so I am cutting ties. I will be cordial with them, and I still love them, but I am moving on.

I'm Glad to hear you're starting to heal. Your indirect contact is a valuable lesson for others to know how contact of any kind will start to hurt those that are in Plan B. This is the very reason we recommend a dark Plan B to everyone.

It's been 7 months since D-Day #2 and I'm nearly two full months into an impregnable Plan B. Overall, I'm doing better, but I am still singing the blues. There's a hole in my heart and wounded pride that may never heal.

I'm glad to hear you are feeling better. I'm sure it will get better still, with more time.

I've never had to go through this, so I may not know what I'm talking about, but I imagine that the more you change your lifestyle from the one you had with your wife, the more distant all this will become. For example, living in the same house that you lived in when she was with you can't be easy.

How are the girls adjusting? Are they coping well?

I'm not sure about selling the house though you may be right. I really like the home, and I have gotten rid of all signs of my FWW. I also bought a new bedroom set. At the same time, I have had moments where I feel that once my youngest is in college (3.5 five years from now) I would like to find a job far away and relocate just to get a fresh start.

My youngest daughter is doing well, but my oldest is struggling. Not just because of the divorce but because of relationship issues with her peers. She had a close friend who was being physically and verbally abused at home, and my daughter confided in me about it. Over the course of a few weeks the stories got worse so I called CPS and they paid a visit to the family, which caused a serious rupture in her friendship. Now she is not only out that friend, but the other friends in that group who feel she betrayed her friend's trust. I keep telling her that doing the right thing sometimes is costly, but ultimately it pays off. Still, she is now dealing with the breakup of her parents and the loss of her peer group in her senior year of high school. She has battled depression and anxiety since Junior High, and I've been very proud of her for how she has managed it with resileance and wisdom. But she is really struggling right now. My youngest daughter and I do all that we can to support her. She has a boyfriend who she also leans on for support and he is a good kid.

Finally, the divorce judgment came in this week. All that is left is to wait til early March and the divorce will be official. This has made for a very hard week. I am feeling a [censored] of resentment and anger towards my WW. I want to let go of the baggage but can't.

Food for thought: Maybe a move to a new home, along with a new school and a new peer group that your oldest daughter can join would be good for her. She might could use a fresh start, too.

What is your lifestyle like? What do you do in your free time?