If you feel you have all the information about the affair and you are unwilling to have her take a poly to confirm that (your choice), then you need to stop talking about the affair.

These kind of 'zingers' will deplete her lovebank for you. Unless that is your goal you need to STOP this.

Noted.

AFA the polygraph goes, I spoke to our police chief about it (I run our town's largest emergency services district), and found out how expensive they are ($750). Ouch. I still want to follow through with it, but it will take a little bit to scrape the extra money for one.

Quick update: A few days ago, my wife was visibly upset and said how she broke down and checked my phone because she wanted to see what the OBS and I were saying (texting). In the texts, the OBS mentioned a phone number from our state that the AP routinely calls and asked if it was my wife's number. It wasn't, and I texted back that I was reasonably sure my wife has maintained NC since D-day. I did, however, openly wonder via texting if it could be a "burner" phone.

My wife mentioned that comment in saying she was hurt that I said such a thing and that I could search the entire house and not find one (burner phone) because there isn't one. She also brought up being hurt about possibly having to take a polygraph. She was crying during all this and went out for a walk.

When she got back, she seemed to be in better spirits and told me she understood why I say and do the things I do, and that she brought it all on herself. She said she's with me for life and reiterated that she'll "never hurt you like that again."
....

I think I still want her to take a polygraph.

It was really unwise for you to have let her find those texts. If there ever was a burner phone, do you think you will ever find it now?

Why are you leaving traces of your conversations with OMW for your wife to find? Don't you understand the need for stealth on your part?

I don't believe there IS or has been a burner phone. I googled the number and it belonged to a business 50 miles away.

Besides, it was no mystery to my wife that I was talking to the OBS. I shared with my wife everything the OBS told me, including how the AP had cheated on his wife for the entirety of their marriage, and how he had women all over the country during his travels with the USCG. I even told my wife that she wasn't the only girl he had stashed on the side here in New England and that his plan to meet my wife in Boston last fall included him seeing this other girl, too.

Again, I didn't mind her seeing the few texts between me and the OBS. If anything, it showed her precisely what I think of her and her actions in an unvarnished way.

1987,

We all understand that you are hurt. The way to be happy and have a fantastic marriage though, is not by punishing your wife. Just get the facts, do a poly or not and then decide to move on and not bring up the affair ever, EVER again. People who don't follow the MB plan of just compensation and who keep holding the affair over their spouses head, end up with notoriously bad marriages.

If you need to vent come here!

Folks, I didn't complain about my wife to the OBS, either on the phone or via texts, so don't think that I attacked her. I simply handled business or answered questions with the OBS.

For instance, here are my texts with the OBS in their entirety:

"I've been busy talking to her (my wife) for the last hour. Her number is ***-***-****."

"She says they haven't contacted each other at all since September 11."

"I guess I believe her, but I wonder if that could be a burner phone."

"Have you called that number? I wonder if I should."

"I googled it (the number)." (I sent a screenshot of the results)

"(OBS), if you are willing, (my wife) would like to talk to you. Please let me know. Thank you."

"Believe me, (OBS), I understand what you are saying. This entire thing has shaken me to my core. I spent two months just trying to exist.

If you ever find out more about what happened between them, please tell me. I think (my wife) has told me everything, but after an entire year of lies and deceit, I don't know what's true anymore. She appears to be remorseful, but sometimes I question whether I really know/knew her. Sometimes I question everything.

Thank you for your time and openness yesterday. I prayed for your family in the immediate aftermath of disclosure and I will do so again."
....
That's it. That's what my wife saw from me. It was just honesty.

It sounds like you're going to do what you want regardless of our advice but for whatever it's worth I agree with the others.

Your W doesn't need to know anything about your contact w the OM's W except that you will be in touch with her and vice versa if there is any suspected contact. Period. Anything other than is negative.

It's a form of talking about the affair, it triggers your W to think about the OM, it clues her in to what you could be thinking or doing in terms of surveillance (burner phone). The entire episode is a lovebuster for you both. Lose lose lose.

There is NO benefit to sharing this kind of stuff with your W. That's why some posters are reading it as a form of punishing her. It doesn't really matter what the content of the messages are.

Holding off on the poly is just going to keep the affair fresh in your mind, so while I understand the financial constraints (I was in the situation myself at one point) but I would brainstorm and then brainstorm some more to figure out how to get it done sooner rather than later.