|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,439 Likes: 4
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,439 Likes: 4 |
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 143
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 143 |
I did. She asked me to call back on Monday.
Me 56
Husband 63
Married 37 years
7 children, 6 adults, last DS 17
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,536 Likes: 9
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,536 Likes: 9 |
You say this earlier. Could you elaborate on it, please? He doesn't think I am reasonable and rational on some subjects. I don't want you to DJ your husband, as I did, it seems, so could you just give examples of when he has actually said that? If that's just your impression, then it's best not repeated.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 143
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 143 |
I could give lots of examples where he has said I am not reasonable and/or rational, but I think that these instances boil down to the fact that both of us need to learn that neither of our feelings are to be judged, they just are. And then move to POJA.
Hubby and I talked tonight after his long post. We both realize that we have a lot to learn and practice with the MB principles. Hubby is struggling with how it all works on the forum. I explained as best I could, based on my limited knowledge, that the responders to our posts are not so much concerned with our long explanations as they are with trying to show where we are missing out on opportunities to apply MB principles, and where we are falling short. He and I are both quite willing to learn.
Me 56
Husband 63
Married 37 years
7 children, 6 adults, last DS 17
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 143
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 143 |
I would like to ask that the church/faith issue be dropped. While this has been a contentious issue over our married life, we have learned, for the most part, to agree to disagree on this. While neither of us is fully content in this area, we are not willing to upset the apple cart on this issue.
We do want to learn how to deepen our romantic love through the MB principles. I read somewhere in all the material that once we reach that pinnacle of true compatibility, we will be enthusiastic about everything to do with our spouse. We do want to get to that place.
Me 56
Husband 63
Married 37 years
7 children, 6 adults, last DS 17
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 143
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 143 |
Thank you, I will listen to this.
Me 56
Husband 63
Married 37 years
7 children, 6 adults, last DS 17
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 143
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 143 |
Will try this, thank you for this.
Me 56
Husband 63
Married 37 years
7 children, 6 adults, last DS 17
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I would like to ask that the church/faith issue be dropped. While this has been a contentious issue over our married life, we have learned, for the most part, to agree to disagree on this. While neither of us is fully content in this area, we are not willing to upset the apple cart on this issue.
We do want to learn how to deepen our romantic love through the MB principles. I read somewhere in all the material that once we reach that pinnacle of true compatibility, we will be enthusiastic about everything to do with our spouse. We do want to get to that place. You reach compatibility by learning to negotiate decisions about which you are both enthusiastic. You will not ever become enthusiastic about everything to do with your spouse. My H and I have conflicts every day and every day we negotiate solutions. We are not enthusiastic until we have negotiated mutually enthusiastic decisions. I agree you should table the religious issue until you become more skilled at negotiation. But that should be temporary.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 143
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 143 |
Thank you for the radio clip. Segment #2 really speaks to me. This is what I need for my marriage to improve.
Me 56
Husband 63
Married 37 years
7 children, 6 adults, last DS 17
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,439 Likes: 4
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,439 Likes: 4 |
Thank you for the radio clip. Segment #2 really speaks to me. This is what I need for my marriage to improve. You're welcome. And I think you'll find when you and your husband start using POJA things will improve.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 143
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 143 |
Yes, BrainHurts, I totally agree with you that POJA is the answer for us.
Me 56
Husband 63
Married 37 years
7 children, 6 adults, last DS 17
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 143
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 143 |
We did listen to the radio clip together. And spent the afternoon working on the activities sheet and a bit on the UA time sheet. And chatting.
Me 56
Husband 63
Married 37 years
7 children, 6 adults, last DS 17
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 143
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 143 |
My mind is in a muddle. Tonight, we completed the love busters questionaires. My hubby's indicared that #1 lovebuster from me is dishonesty. He wrote that I don't share my deep thoughts re where I stand on faith issues and that I don't tell him what the REAL issue is ( when we argue). He is right that I hold things back and the reason I do is that I fear DJ's.
How do I be more honest with him when I am afraid?
Me 56
Husband 63
Married 37 years
7 children, 6 adults, last DS 17
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
How do I be more honest with him when I am afraid? It sounds like what your husband is complaining about is lack of Openness and Honesty rather than Dishonesty. There is a difference, although it seems subtle. Openness and Honesty is revealing what you know about yourself. Dishonesty is out right lying or trying to deceive. He must eliminate his DJs if he wants you to be Open and Honest with him. He discourages Openness and Honesty every time he DJs you. You cannot open up to him until he protects you from himself.
Last edited by Prisca; 01/12/17 11:01 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
What did you say to him about his lovebusters on the worksheet?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 143
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 143 |
What did you say to him about his lovebusters on the worksheet? I said that he makes plans/decisions without considering my feelings/interests. If his plans differ from mine he will either go ahead anyway or DJ me by saying or implying I am irrational, unreasonable, selfish, cheap, etc. I also said he uses body language and deep sighs as well as words to DJ me. As to O&H versus dishonesty, you are correct, that is what he meant as opposed to outright lying.
Me 56
Husband 63
Married 37 years
7 children, 6 adults, last DS 17
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
Is he willing to come up with a plan to eliminate Disrespectful Judgements?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
As to O&H versus dishonesty, you are correct, that is what he meant as opposed to outright lying. Lack of Openness and Honesty is not a lovebuster. Openness and Honesty is an emotional need that he may like for you to meet, but he first needs to make it safe for you to do so by eliminating all demands, disrespect, and angry outbursts.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 143
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 143 |
Is he willing to come up with a plan to eliminate Disrespectful Judgements? Yes, I think so. But I have questions... Love buster for him - "my attitude about money is not very flexible". How do I work on eliminating this love buster ( under selfish demands on his worksheet) when I feel that he continually asks me to agree to things I don't want to do or contribute to re money? Love buster for him..he is scared to bring up topics of importance to him because he thinks/knows I disagree on, I am very hard to talk to on issues I don't agree with or like. This is true for both of us..but mainly (I think) because we haven't learned how to negotiate. We have always used compromise or captulation which hasn't worked to resolve conflicts for good because neither of us are happy with outcome.
Me 56
Husband 63
Married 37 years
7 children, 6 adults, last DS 17
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 143
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 143 |
Lack of Openness and Honesty is not a lovebuster. Openness and Honesty is an emotional need that he may like for you to meet, but he first needs to make it safe for you to do so by eliminating all demands, disrespect, and angry outbursts. [/quote]
Yes. Absolutely.
Me 56
Husband 63
Married 37 years
7 children, 6 adults, last DS 17
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
728
guests, and
50
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
