Stop all lovebusters TODAY and start UA today. Take your time on learning the POJA since that is a bit harder and you need to start little and move up.


You need to find out what you like to do. My H and I love to go out to eat, long drives, shopping, open houses.

Merging threads. Please stay on one thread so posters can follow your story. thank you!

I know that going to a movie isn't considered UA. Is watching a football game on TV at a bar/restaurant together considered UA? Shopping is okay for UA? When we were newly married we always did our grocery shopping together. Is that okay? We've always enjoyed going to Barnes and Noble, picking out a few books/magazines to browse and sit down for coffee together. Is this considered UA if we're not looking at the same books/magazines?

What about home improvement projects together, if the kids are away from the house? Like painting rooms or working in the yard together?

I want to and so does he. I wish it was that easy. We can agree to it, but old habits die hard. We got into an argument just this morning because of disrespectful judgements, which then grew into an angry outburst. I wish it wouldn't have happened. It's so instinctual I know it won't go away overnight (we've been married for 17.5 years). I'm listening to Love Busters. Any other tips to help stop these right away?

So you must do more than say you will stop it, you have to actually do it. So my advice is to stop doing it. TODAY. It's not like you don't have self control over your behavior. Yes, you do. Everything is easier said than done, but you do have self control over your behavior.

Walk away and calm down. Just say nothing.

NO. Becuase your focus is not on each other.


It is really easy to focus on each other while shopping. You can meet most of the intimate emotional needs.


The time together must be a DATE, where you look your best, all your focus is on each other and you are meeting the 4 intimate emotional needs.

http://marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi3350_guide.html


Practice relaxation.

Listen to the radio show - Dr. Harley talks about it all the time.

P.S. when we go to a restaurant that has sports games on TV's my husband sits where he can't see it. If he is distracted by a sports game, then his attention is not on me.

Thank you! I'm working on mindfulness/meditation as well and I expect it to help with the anger.

I tried to cut off his angry outburst after I said something that made him mad this morning but he just kept going. The original offense happened downstairs and I went to our bedroom to remove myself from the situation. He came up eventually and started being disrespectful/angry so I asked him to leave repeatedly and talk to me when he wanted to speak respectfully to me. Eventually I became angry because he wouldn't wait to discuss it until we were both calmed down. This is such a typical way things happen in our house.

I wasn't intending to make him mad with my comment. I came downstairs and our little girl told me that Daddy was making her drink the milk left in her cereal bowl. She doesn't like it and I never make her drink it because I don't like it either and I told her she didn't have to drink it. He was being forceful with her over the issue and I didn't see how demanding that she drink the milk was beneficial. So, we disagreed on parenting. He blew up because I 'contradicted his authority'. I don't even know where that falls in the love busters but we often don't agree on parenting styles.

That's not going to work, and it's not the way to stop fighting. If either of you is trying to control the other you'll never be able to stop fighting.

So you don't try to make him stop having an angry outburst. Instead you remove yourself from his angry outburst. He can have his angry outburst alone in an empty room if he would like, but he may not enjoy it as much.


Do you see how it would have helped for you to remove yourself from his angry outburst instead? It would have kept you from having an angry outburst, yourself.

An angry outburst is temporary insanity, and it will never make your problems better. Even if the problem is that your spouse is having an angry outburst.


Here is how Dr. Harley recommends you handle parenting disagreements:

The Policy of Joint Agreement

Thank you so much.

We're trying to figure out UA time right now and this is what we're coming up with. I'm freaking out a bit about how much time we'll be spending away from home. I'm a total homebody. This looks so daunting to me.

Sunday... 3-7 (trade with friends or Grandma babysits)
Monday... 6-9 (pay babysitter)
Tuesday... Nothing
Wednesday...6:30-8:00 (kids at Awana)
Thursday... 6-9 (Grandma babysits)
Friday... 6-11 (pay babysitter)
Saturday... 1-5 (pay babysitter or Aunt Rachael)

Hubby has plenty of work this month and as we move into Spring he'll likely stay busy so we "should" have enough money to pay a sitter.

We've never been "busy people" and this schedule looks really busy to me. Anyone else here feel that way at first?

Yes, I felt that way at first. I am a homebody as well.

It looks "busy" and daunting because you are not in love. When you are in love, it will be the highlight of your week.

Is your story written down anywhere Prisca? Would love to see what you have overcome in your marriage.

I want to point out that your schedule will always seem full, whether you choose to fill it with UA time or other things. It is not so much a choice between being busy or not, rather it is a choice of priorities. Couples in love always prioritize time with each other over all other things. Once you are in love, you will find it easy to make UA time your first priority. What you will find difficult is planning to be apart to do that other stuff.

You can click on my name and view my previous posts, all the way back to when I first came here. Long story short, we have been through neglect, abuse, an affair, and a separation.

We both have issues with angry outbursts but I would say my temper is much hotter than my husband's. I also engage in DJs and SDs much more than he does. I am starting to work on mindfulness to help with the anger. Aside from seeing a therapist, what other things can you recommend to help me? Books you've read, websites with good plans/advice?

Also, our boys have picked up our bad habits and I want to help them to learn to handle their anger and frustration appropriately. Any advice on that, besides modeling better behavior?

The best thing on anger I ever heard on the radio show was to imagine that you were getting paid $1 million to stop your AOs right now, you would, wouldn't you? I sure would. And what I was losing due to my AOs - peace and harmony with my family, their willingness to come to me with their problems instead of hiding them, is worth far more than $1 million. I can honestly say I never had another slip after listening to that show. I haven't even been tempted. I wonder where I could find a link to it.