EP = extraordinary precautions, with the goal of making another affair impossible

This would include no contact with OW, quitting that job, moving to another area were OW isn't easily accessible and where you arent triggered, 100% transparency with surveillance (he must commit without knowing your methods) and changing all contact information.

You should also decide if your return is contingent on his ending his drug use.

He also needs to commit to providing Just Compensation- making the marriage better than ever so that you can stay without resentment. This involves 20-25 hours of UA time to rebuild and meet each other needs. Many couples take a vacation early on to jumpstart the process.

If you are interested in recovery, download and read Surviving an Affair tonight.

Thanks so much apples123. That's very, very helpful. I have read Surviving an Affair. I have it on my kindle right now. I finished it around New year's but WH wasn't on-board so that was one of my red flags that I needed to get better evidence.

I am not in a position to give legal advice, but to me it seems unwise to destroy your evidence at this moment. Can you put it in a safe or save the recording as audio file and password protect it?

It might be a good idea to take him up on hos promise and drug test him, to prove that he has been using cocaine. Waywards have a tendency to obstruct divorce and cost you lots of time (and money). Evidence of him using cocaine might be helpful if you decide to get a divorce.

Facebook and google might be of help. I often find more info than people think they share online, just by googling the right words/names and combinations of those.

You are a normal human who thought she knew the man she married. A wayward is not the same man you used to know. This is an emotional roller-coaster, you will have many ups and downs, love him and hate him.

You are doing so good in this difficult time, I wish others acted as quick as you did. Most people are afraid to expose and postpone. Keep posting and let the forum help you along this difficult road.

Remember, this is not a sprint, this is a marathon. The forum will support you and keep you on your feet.

goody2shoes, Thanks for your input. Currently the VAR is in a locked file cabinet in my office at work. I took it there after I listened to it so my WH could not find it.

I do think I should probably randomly drug test him. I believe cocaine only shows up for @48 hours but I will keep an eye out for signs he is using.

I did try to find the OW's parents on Facebook but didn't have any luck. I believe they are in their 70's so perhaps it is not something they are into. I will try Google and see if I can find anything. Thanks for the tip.

Thanks for reminding me I'm normal and for the support. You're right this is an emotional rollercoaster for sure!

Sometimes the information is nearer than we thought it is. Ask OW's Husband for parents's info. Tell him you want to expose it. Husband must know aunts, relatives and friends of family too who can provide if he is not comfortable giving it himself. You can say to the husband just think as if an old friend wants to send a gift through Amazon and needs email address, phone number and mailing address to make sure they get the package. That way he can give you the info but does not get in trouble from his WW.

You can also ask friends and relatives of WW with the same approach maybe through calling them after finding their numbers. Or better ask your PI to find the parents and their info.

Also ask your WH to get you this info. He must have a way to find this.

Or find which county they live in and ask the fire department, post office or police in that county.

Or go to that state if you can to find them - a stretch but these are the most important people(+OW's Husband) to expose to.

Nowadays it is easy to find info.
Only my $0.02.

Good to hear the update. You exposure has worked so well. I believe more in MB. I wish I had come across this a long time ago before my separation. I do not know what to do in my situation - in court and my exposure maybe after divorces. Terrible to imagine but I really want to expose before that. Kind of sucks. It feels like a lost cause.

I have to say your husband is impressive. I like his 180 degree.

He is still not revealing everything to you. That is the nature of "Waywards". I think you should not bang yourself on that because it is hard for them to admit. He is also in shock now. Too much for him. I only hope with time they may tell.

Montgomery, I am running out the door but I see some huge RED FLAGS here. If your husband has resigned, then how come he still has a work password?? He should never go back there!! He turns in his resignation and never goes back. How can he end contact if they still work together?

And secondly, you should not ever detroy the VAR tape because there will come a time - VERY SOON - when your NON serious husband denies the affair.

You are not out of the woods! He will be seeing her very soon and you need to be prepared and watching him.

When someone quits at my company, they inactivate the work email immediately. How does he have this account?

Is he still going to work to see the OW?

And you need to find the OW's parents and expose to them.

WeirdSituation and Montgomery,

One of the stipulations of recovery is that the wayward give the entire list of sordid details of their affair. You must learn everything that happened so there are no later surprises. You don't want the death of a thousand cuts that comes from hearing a trickling of the truth. So this is something you will want to insist on immediately. Get all the details of the affair and then if you're on a true path to recovery never bring it up again. However you'll need to keep snooping to ensure he isn't having any contact.

Her husband is not impressive. He is not doing a 180 degree change. He is in 'damage control' mode right now following the exposure, but is showing major red flags that he is not really serious about ending this affair. When the dust settles he will just gaslight Montgomery into reasons or delays to take the serious steps needed to end contact and recover the marriage.

When it comes to men in affairs, Dr Harley says that they must come back 'hat in hand,' meaning they are 100% on board with everything they need to do to end the affair and recover the marriage. If Montgomery's husband is not 'hat in hand' she needs to move to Plan B.

Not revealing things IS the nature of waywards, when they are still involved in affairs and gaslighting their spouses that is, NOT when they are serious about ending an affair and committing to recovery.

There is nothing impressive here. The affair is still active and he is still at his job. The ONLY thing that changed is the affairees have gone further underground.

Have you read this and listened to the clips?
What is Just Compensation?

Weirdsituation, MelodyLane, unwritten, MrAlias, BrainHurts,

Thanks for all the input and keeping me on track. I tend toward agreeing that the affair is not over. I told him I would not consider it over until he is no longer at that job. FWIW He gave a 30 day notice because he is in management. She texted him yesterday and he says he didn't reply and as far as I can tell from the phone log he didn't. I immediately found out and informed her husband. If I'm going to try to stay in plan A I need to get spyware on his phone asap.

He surprised me with a mini-vacation and we are leaving town for three days later today. We should have some uninterrupted time to go over everything I require to stay in the marriage. At this point I'm not willing to compromise on anything or make it easy for him to continue the affair.

FWIW WH has activated the GPS tracker on his iPhone. I'm still going to keep using the car GPS but be thinks I had to returned it to the PI. I found a new location for it out of site in the roof of the glove compartment..

The affair is not over. I am very alarmed that you are not asking him to leave. He sees her at work, she is still contacting him, THE AFFAIR IS NOT OVER!!

Plan A is over, over, over, over. It is Plan B time.


NO. You should not go anywhere with him unless he does this today:

1. agrees to never see or speak to the OW again. TODAY. That means he never goes back to that job and he changes his phone # and his email address TODAY. If he won't do those things TODAY, you should pack his bags and ask him to leave.

Montgomery, he won't take this seriously if you don't take this seriously. The time for plan A is over.

Montgomery?? What is the point of this if he is going to see her at work every day?? This makes no sense.

My friend, you are as fogged out as him. This makes no sense. He should never return to this job.

M, this vacation is a distraction from an urgent situation that needs to be fixed today. You need him to end his affair TODAY. That means he never returns to that job. That means he shuts down ALL means of contact between he and the OW TODAY. Changing phone #s and emails addresses.

After he changes all of his contact information, he should send her a no contact letter.


here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Wow, yeah well I guess I am somewhat in a fog. I've never been through anything like this before. Just trying to do the best I can but this is all new to me. It's confusing because it seems like he is trying but I totally get that it's probably damage control and more gaslighting.
But I do sincerely want to thank everyone for the overwhelming outpouring of support I've received.

If your husband is "trying" it will be demonstrated by actions, not empty words. Talk means nothing. The first and most critical action would be to END CONTACT. He has not even taken the first step.

He must end contact TODAY. You cannot and should not do anything until that happens.