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I am so angry and want to explode. You must eliminate disrespect and anger, first, despite what she does. It takes more than "owning" it. It takes more than "choosing." It takes action. What are you going to DO? Childcare is one of the most common conflicts in marriage. It's solvable. But not until you eliminate the disrespect and anger. What are you going to DO? You need actual steps, not psychobabbly, feel good phrases.
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Joined: Mar 2010
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Do I need to respond to disrespectful judgments via text or do I just completely ignore them? That may sound ignorant, but I feel stuck in a no win situation. Your first step is to eliminate disrespect and anger in yourself. Until you can do that, and can talk to her calmly despite your frustration, you need to shut up. And keep it shut.
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Joined: Mar 2010
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This is the exchange I had with Dr. Harley on this topic: Dr. Harley,
Do I have to listen to complaints when they are full of lovebusters? We are having a conflict over UA time, and Markos is accusing me of not wanting to spend time with him. He had an AO and made threats over it, telling me he deserves better than me and reminding me of how much I tortured him last year, and made accusations that I'm not willing to work the MB program. He made threats along the lines of "I'm not going to live like this," which to me sounded like "straighten up or I'm leaving you."
It is not true that I do not want to spend time with him. I have thrown myself into UA time, and have enjoyed the time we have together.
He is refusing to talk to me unless I listen to these complaints of his. His tone has been very demanding and harsh all morning, and he refuses to listen to how he has lovebusted me. I'm willing to try to work with him to make UA time better for him, but I don't like the way he is treating me. Do I have to listen to his complaints when he is treating me like this? Prisca:
How is Markos doing with his anger management program? A point we often make is that if angry outbursts are not eliminated from a marriage, no other problems can be solved.
Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
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Joined: Jan 2010
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Ok so how do I handle mornings like this one? If feel completely berated and I also feel triggered by my wife's badgering of our boy. Neither one of us can ever do anything to please her. I am so angry and want to explode. The way you handle mornings when you feel so angry that you want to explode is you don't say or do anything other than to physically relax the muscles in your body until the adrenaline is purged from your bloodstream and you have calmed down. If you are this angry you need to recognize that you are temporarily insane and are not capable of doing anything to make your problem better until your insanity is over. Now she is yelling at our 6 year old because her hair is tangled and it is hurting her. I feel the need to defend my children on a daily basis and it is the most common disagreements that we have. It would be nice if your wife would also choose to not say or do anything when she feels angry, but she's not making that choice at this time. The only way she might make that choice is if you lead the way. I have to ask, are you listening to the Marriage Builders Radio show on a daily basis? You really need a wholesale change in marital philosophy to get these ideas solidified in your mind enough that you will feel willing to override your emotions with logic and follow the plan that works to recover your marriage and stop the fighting. There should come a point where you recognize that your own anger is the problem!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Apr 2012
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Neither one of us can ever do anything to please her. You follow a post that says "I choose to be respectful" with a disrespectful post. This statement is a disrespectful judgement. You need to STOP being disrespectful to your wife, even here on these boards. It has to start with you, do you see what we are saying? Yes I am sure there are many things your wife is doing to take units out of your lovebank. But you can't change her actions, you can only change your own.
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Joined: Sep 2008
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Ok so how do I handle mornings like this one? If feel completely berated and I also feel triggered by my wife's badgering of our boy. Neither one of us can ever do anything to please her. I am so angry and want to explode. Now she is yelling at our 6 year old because her hair is tangled and it is hurting her. I feel the need to defend my children on a daily basis and it is the most common disagreements that we have. She is texting me through the process telling me how ridiculous it is that I didn't pull her hair back. Now she could have pulled her hair back, not sure why that was my job. What did she write in the text? Could you copy it here?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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