UPDATE and plea for input!

I went through with the divorce of my WH who had " ended the affair but would not come home because he was working on himself." We mediated and the divorce was quick.

I felt good that I finally ended that ugly story, and even started dating a man from my church.

But then my exH begged me to give him another chance. He went on and on about how much he regretted the affair and divorce, and would do anything to restore our marriage. (This is what I thought was Harley's "hat in hand"). He confirmed that the affair was truly over and that now he isn't even attracted to her anymore, he just sees the relationship with OW as a terrible decision. He said he is willing to give me all passwords on devices, let me track him with GPS, block the OW on his phone and email, prevent overnight trips alone once we move back together, and lots of other EPs. However, he is not moving home!!!

He re-read Love Busters but I think he just skimmed it. He isn't reading Surviving an Affair. He instead is reading all kinds of other books to help him understand his dysfunction (according to him, he recognizes all kinds of psychological problems in himself and thinks he needs to get better).

I do recognize classical signs of depression in him. But he is not willing to take antidepressants. He has a therapist (Christian counselor) and we have a couples counselor now but I don't think anyone is helping him with the depression, really. One problem is that he is so busy at work that he barely has time for regular appointments.

After the "hat in hand" feeling of this summer, I now feel that he is back to his old ways. I feel that he is just not that interested in getting to a healthy marriage. Unless this is how depressed people deal with life?

He says he doesn't want to move back home because he isn't sure if he can be a good husband! (Again saying that!) Is this statement just crazy, or should I respect that he doesn't want to put our daughter (with depression herself, survivor of the OW/OC trauma, if you recall) and myself through another crappy marriage?

My friends and family all say, "take it slow...let him prove to you that he can be a good husband....don't rush to bring him back home" but I feel that the biggest EPs cannot be put in place while we are living in different homes!

He keeps asking me why I am rushing things. Am I?

One more thing... I ended the dating with the man from church because I didn't feel it was right to be dating both of them at the same time. So now I feel some resentment that I may have given up a healthy potential loving relationship for this

A wayward who wants to "work on" himself/herself is code for a person who is not serious. As you stated yourself, he said this during his affair.

All the years I have been here, I have NEVER seen a wayward who says this and is serious.

This is a typical wayward cake-eater playing games with you - tossing you some crumbs.

You need to go to Plan B. Are you willing to do this?

As long as you stay in contact with him, you are going to kept getting dragged back into this kind of drama over and over and over again, which is not good for your health and it's not good for your children.

Yes, I am willing to go to Plan B.

Do you suggest a letter describing that I am going into Plan B because he is not serious about restoring the marriage? And if so, what are the expectations I am going to list? Am I supposed to list coming back to live together again? (As stated, everyone keeps saying "you can't trust him, don't rush to reconcile, let him show you he has changed, etc., " although I don't really know how to assess that when we don't live together and are just dating 2-3 times a week)...

Nothing has changed since your first post except you are divorced which was a great decision. He is still acting very wayward and seems to have no intention of changing that, despite the fact you actually divorced him. The advice is the same as before, he is not serious. Go into a dark Plan B and move on.

Thanks, unwritten.

Essentially, is this Plan B to save my sanity while he moves out of the wayward mindset? Or should I just end it and REALLY MOVE ON (date if I want to, etc.)?

I do have doubts about whether he can really change his mindset if he allowed the divorce to go through, attempted to rekindle with me, and is now failing to be serious again. But his depression throws a wrench in my analysis of the situation. I have never seen him like this (just in the last 1-2 months, a real clinical depression). He can't get out of bed some days; he has stopped seeing his guy friends, he is looking more haggard, etc.. I guess it's tugging at my heartstrings...

I am sad that he can't live up to what he promised this summer...a healthy restoring of our marriage. I just want to be sure there is no hope.

Agree with this advice, just end all contact with him and move on. He is not serious.

At this point what you know to be FACT is:

1. He has been in a wayward mindset for many years
2. He showed no intention of changing that mindset or protecting you
3. You are DIVORCED
4. He STILL shows no intention of changing or protecting you

What you 'hope' is:

1. He will someday come to his senses, end his wayward ways, and fight for you...even though there is almost no chance of this happening after his many years of being wayward and his clear lack of care or desire to change.

Listen, life is too short to set your bar so low only a weasel can meet it. It is too short to live based on 'hope' that someone else will change.

Plan B can protect you, but at this point your main goal should be to
really move on. You are worth way more than this.

Many people deal with depression, or other mental or physical health issues, and do not act like this. His behavior pertaining to your marriage, having a long term affair, OC, refusing to commit to recovery and acting wayward to this day, have nothing to do with depression. You need to stop making excuses for him.

Grace: what has he really DONE versus SAID:
Let you see his phone and fight you on every single other thing?
Remember: follow actions- not words.

He may be depressed but may be playing the victim as well.... its not your problem anymore and remember- a man who is serious would take care of this in order to not hinder his winning you back.

His entitlement is crazy. It is like he already feels like he can once again treat you like crap (even AFTER you have divorced him) and you will just keep taking it while wondering if YOU are the problem???? WHAT???

Walk away- never, ever look back. Block him/ change numbers/ whatever you have to do to go into plan B! It shouldn't matter at this point if he ever did change his mind- he lost you. (And honestly, a man this entrenched in entitlement even after divorce isn't going to change- you have your answer)

Don't bother sending him another plan B letter. Send him a go away and don't ever contact me again letter!

(He just uses what you send him in your plan b letters to learn what exactly to say in order to win you while never actually doing the work... can you see this? Stop giving him ammunition and move on!)

If he was really serious, he would have already done what is needed to be done for you to see the changes and he has YET to do anything. What is there for you to even consider? I would stop wasting your time on his empty promises and change all your contact information and go truly NC.

Dr Harley told me my WxH will likely struggle with depression for the rest of his life - due to how badly he had screwed up his life with his bad decisions and wayward mindset.

This is not your problem, Grace.

Are you going to let him walk all over you, throw you some crumbs, and you're always going to be there to clean up his messes? Instead of focusing on your own life and your own health and well being?

What is it going to take for you to stop enabling him?

Seven years.

Think about that. Seven years and you are now divorced.

Cut him loose and move on. Life is TOO SHORT to spend this much time and energy on an entitled wayward.

Stop making excuses for him and move on.

I wouldn't list any expectations other than he stop contacting you. He will never meet any conditions. If he was serious about that, he would have done it long ago. Dr Harley has said many times if the marriage is not recovered in 2 years, it is hopeless. You have been dealing with this for longer than that.

His "depression" is a natural result of his horrible life choices. Don't enable him any more.

I read here all the time, and feel that I have to speak up, too. Run, don't walk away from this man. Has he ever gotten help for his porn addiction? You never mentioned. That doesn't matter now, but if he hasn't, that's no doubt still going on.

He may have approached you 'hat in hand', because even though he doesn't want you, he knew you were dating, and doesn't want anyone else to have you either.

Everyone is right, you are wanting this to work so badly that you are degrading yourself. Block him! Kick him out of YOUR life, not your daughter's.