I see.
I need to find a way to say more, using less.
It is one of the few reasons I have not yet sent it.
I guess there are a lot of things that are simply going to have to remain unsaid. I am going to need to regroup and start again.

A difficulty I am having is that the PBL guidance advises:

- Writing it as a love letter.
- To mention some good memories the two of you have.
- To curtail it to your own situation.
- Add your willingness to address other complaints that the unfaithful spouse may have communicated prior to the affair.

These are all things I would like to do. I suppose I need to find a way to do it in a brief way.

Every day is a struggle.

I still have not been able to find an IM. I have now asked nearly a dozen people and none want to do it. Even after explaining they will likely hear little to nothing from WW.

To give myself a little more time to mentally and correctly prepare for Plan B, to also find an IM, and to try once more to muster up one of the last attempts to pull WW from her actions, I have been cautiously thinking of sending something such as below, and wondering if it is appropriate.

(I know positively she will read anything I might send, and for unknown reasons marks them as "important", although I likely will get no reply. I can likely get her to answer a phone call as well, but it has been suggested to me by those I know that calling unintentionally conveys weakness)

-------

<< I have been taking the time to learn and understand about emotional needs and where they grew to not be met. I apologize for my part in allowing an environment which made your affairs possible. I am sure that is not the person you wanted to become or the way you want everyone to think about you.
Because I care about you and your feelings, I want to help you from these aspects and for me to do what is needed to teach everyone we both have the ability to change.
I want to achieve a difference in the way I and we have been communicating, doing the work to return to best friends, able to again talk with each other as ourselves, and taking the steps to lead us in the right direction.
I want to keep the way clear for us to help each other both learn where any mistakes were made and permanently correct them.
I have listened and am willing to address and correct the mistakes you have been able to share with me, but I also need to know you have the ability to do the same. I do still love and care about you, but this is the most pain one can endure and I can't and will no longer try doing this alone. >>
-------------------

- I am also still hoping I might get an opinion on whether I should do anything to run off OM3.

- Additionally, although I have spoken to OM1's BS several times about this, she had done nothing to have her WH remove the many Instagram photos he has of him and my WW together.
I am debating on finally doing something about it, and placing comments on each one.

Writing can be a great tool for your own healing. You can use a lot of these letters as journal entries, as a way to get everything off your chest. You want to have direct and meaningful communication with her but unfortunately, none of this will penetrate the fog and will only irritate her.

The letter directly above sounds preachy and condescending. She already left! She has shown no desire to reconcile. This letter will only annoy her. You are trying to dictate how things can be going forward when in her mind, there is no forward together.

I would let go of the desire to run off OM3. It is time for you to completely shift the focus back to your life and your healing. You will be reflecting on the marriage for a long time but you won't be able to do that process with her. It's just not going to happen and your need to keep turning towards her in the hope that you can get through to her is going to keep the pain fresh.

Write a simple, plan B letter and close the door. Since you have very little communication now, you might not need an IM. Maybe in the divorce, things can be so tidy that there just isn't a need for communication. Perhaps you are not explaining the role of the IM clearly. No one will help you with this?

Write her a letter and say goodbye. Use the template on the site. Don't deviate!

She still might come back someday but at this point there is nothing you can do to make it happen. You keep looking for a way to have some influence here and you don't. It hurts but once you see this clearly, you can invest all your energy into YOU, YOUR DAUGHTERS and the life you want to live going forward.

Let her go.

I guess that is what I finally have to do.
Finally giving up is going to be the hardest most painful thing I will ever do. I never thought it would actually come to this.

What makes it harder is that I have been given almost nothing for a reason as to why. Just a few nothing reasons, told to me after discovery, half of which would actually be considered as appreciated. I am sure they are just more lies. I have racked my brain for over a year now and can't even think of an EN that was not met.
In my perception, for over 20+ years she was a fun, gentle, loving wife and mom, and then almost overnight became a vicious, selfish, monster. It is hard to comprehend that person just vanished.

(in retrospect, the signs of an affair were there, but they had the means to hide it in plain sight in front of nearly 10,000 people. I also trusted her enough to believe the lies that covered for the odd circumstances)

I believe I have explained the IM role to all I have asked pretty well. Nearly all have too much contempt for her to even want to receive a message. The few further away from me don't want that kind of involvement.

I will send the PBL exactly as the template, leaving out the part about an IM. I guess if she ever does communicate anything, it will come through my oldest daughter.

It kills me that I had always been a happy, funny, strong person, yet I have been in tears at least once a day for nearly 2 years. It is going to be a struggle moving forward and working to get back to that, and I know I will continue to have low points. I will try to be strong and happy for and around my children. I have been pretty good hiding pain from them. Perhaps continuing to reach out to them will reverse the alienation and estrangement my wife has poisoned them with.

Thank you everyone whom has helped me over this past year. It is unfortunate that nothing worked. These are great concepts, a great program, and many generous members.

I guess if the moderators feel inclined, this thread can be moved to the divorce area.

The day after the above post, I sent the PBL exactly as the template shows. Nearly word for word and no more.
I have also asked a sibling once more about being an IM and they agreed.

Still struggling with not sending OM3 a message. It kills me to know he is there. I want to be able to tell him his role in ripping apart a family, that she is a serial cheater, that everyone knows about him and he will not be accepted.

I am going to be turning ask for any advice on questions that help protect myself and my children.

Because mediation went nowhere, there has been a "Guardian ad litem" (GAL) assigned. Has anyone had experience with this?