I'm going to try to shorten this as much as possible. If you have any questions just ask. So, about 3 years ago my wife became obsessed with facebook. She was either on the pc or on her phone on facebook all the time. The last thing she looked at at night and the first this upon waking. I tried to talk to her about it. She would get very mad, tell me she needed to unwind from the kids, we have 3, and facebook helped. In Feb. 2012, after suspecting for a while, I found house and vehicle keys in her purse. I knew right away who it was. I talked to his wife, but it didn't phase anything. In the summer 2012 I hired a PI and lawyer and filed for divorce. I did everything I knew to do. She involved the kids in this from the start and told them what to say to me to "keep Dad from getting mad about their friend." Kids are now 13, 10 and 4. In Nov. 2012 she moved out into a house he bought for them. She started telling me 2 weeks later that she wanted to come home and repair our marriage. From then until just 2 days ago she has told me every excuse in the book and then some for not leaving that house and coming home. She says she wants to go to counseling with me, repair our lives, meet each others needs, and wishes this never happened. He divorced his wife and we were divorced in Oct. 2013 after a year waiting period. Her words sound great on what she's willing to do to rebuild us. Everything sounds almost textbook. Except one thing...when I ask her when she is going to leave OM and do this she always says the same thing..."I can't tell you that honestly because I really don't know. It could be in 2 hours or it could be next week. I just can't answer that." When I ask why she would stay if she wants all this with me she says "I guess it's just fear or dread, I really don't know." I would love to rebuild my family, but I just don't know what to do here. I feel I have run out of options. She says there is no love at all for OM and she doesn't want to stay there. Any advice?

First off, have you exposed the affair to everyone?

And secondly, you really need to go into Plan B and get custody of your kids. Your wife is in her glory by having 2 men meet her needs. She has made her choice: the OM *AND* you. If you would remove yourself from the scene, the affair would fall apart eventually. But by staying in touch, you are inadvertantly propping up the affair. And destroying your mental and physical health in the bargain!

Yes everyone has known about the affair for over a year. We have joint custody of the kids. You are right about driving it driving me crazy. She tells me that she loves me all the time. Says she just has to get the courage to leave om. I have read surviving an affair, his needs he needs, and his needs her needs for parents. Nothing I have tried so far has worked. Plan b is hard to do with the kids, but its what I need to do. What do i say when she starts about coming home and says she loves me?

You won't know when she starts talking about coming home. You will cut her off completely until she ends all contact for life with the OM. I would go read up on Plan B and come back and we can help you with next steps.

When you say it is exposed, do you mean everyone knows the TRUTH? Do your children know the truth? Does the OM's entire family know what he has done?

Are you divorced?

Yes, divorce was final in Oct. 2013.

Yes his family knows. This guy is distant kin to me. I never was around him but he is kin. My kids also know the truth, they have lived in the middle as she involved them from the get go. Plan b is gonna be hard swapping the kids. I don't know how I can cut off all contact with 3 kids.

Ok, I would do this a little differently. I would tell her you aren't going to wait around for this and to not contact you anymore unless she has ended all contact for good and is ready to discuss reconciliation. And THEN you will make a decision about whether or not you are interested.

See, she has been keeping you around as an option so she won't feel so guilty. That helps prop up her affair.

I would find an intermediary and have all pertinent information passed through that person. That person would act as a SPAM filter. When you do child exchanges, either have thee children meet you in the drive way or find some other way to do it. [exchange at school or a friends house]

Send her a letter that goes something like this:

Dear WW, I have given this much thought and have decided it is time for me to move on. You must know how much suffering I have endured because of your affair. Because of that, I have decided to end contact with you for now. Until your affair ends I will avoid seeing you or talking to you.

Our friends, ________, have agreed to help make arrangements for you to see our children on a schedule that is mutually convenient. If you want to communicate about the children, it will have to be through them.

When you end your relationship with JoeLoser, let me know and we can discuss possible reconciliation. I cared for you when we married and I continue to care for you right up to this day. But I cannot be with you or help you as long as you are in this relationship.

All my best, allicantake

Oh no, you don't cut off contact with the kids. You cut off contact with HER. That is not that hard.

Do your kids and family know she left to pursue an AFFAIR? Or do they know the lies the waywards told?

No I didn't mean cut off the kids. I meant it's going to be hard to avoid talking to her when we have 3 kids and have to co-parent. I have told her exactly what you wrote I should say more than once. Every time I do that, in a couple days, she starts feeling me out by saying she's going to come home and telling me she loves me. Lately, when she does this, I focus my attention on getting the kids in my vehicle and leaving without communicating with her. I told her there was no "us" as long as he's any part of her life whatsoever, and there will never again be an "us", until she gets rid of him for life. And we swap the kids at a neutral site, I'm not going anywhere near that house. We just meet and swap the kids.

What gets me is that she says the words she needs to, almost identical to what I've read in Dr. Harley's books. It's just that she always says she has to get up the courage to leave OM, that fear and dread keep her from leaving. She says there have been some things said that she took as threatening. Notice I said "she says" as I cannot vouch that there is any truth to this.

I would first find an intermediary and when you do the swaps, have the kids just come out to the car. You can also send the kids out to the car without speaking to or SEEING HER. Another option is to do your exchanges at a friends house, where she drops them off and jsut the friend/relative sees her.

You do not have to "coparent." That is a very bad idea for you and for her. There is absolutely nothing that can't be communicated via a 3rd party.

And this time if she says "I love you" and all that you won't be able to hear that. In fact, I would add the condition that she move out of the OM house and end her affair before you will even speak to her. You can't hear that if you are not in contact. Your IM should NEVER relay that message to you. Your IM should tell her to move out and end her affair FIRST and then we will see.

It is a mistake to go by her words. As you can see!

What is your current custody agreement?
Does her lover have a criminal background?

Please read.
Parallel Parenting
Intermediary Training School

Jedi, we share joint custody of our children. And except for traffic violations, there's no criminal background.

Brainhurts, thanks for the links. Good reads.

Melodylane, Yeah, I heard that. 2 years worth of words and not a single action to go with them.

Go no contact with her

I have been no contact at all for 5 days now. We'll see what happens now.

Ok. So I'm back after 3 more years of the same thing. Thought I'd just add it here so everyone would know the whole story. Nothing ever changed between my ex wife and I from my first post here in 2014 until the present. She still lives with OM and she's still saying she loves me and wants to come home. Just last week I met someone and went out for the first time since this happened. Yes 5 years later. My ex told me Friday that she would be home on the weekend. I told her let's hold off on that. She knew right off I'd met someone. Now she's escalated the talk of coming home saying she'll share everything, passwords, phones, use gps on her car, etc. She's saying she can't believe I might throw away our past 21 years together to take a chance with someone I don't know. The lady I met is really understanding and open with me. She's been great so far. But it's not fair to her if I can't give her everything I have because of my ex. I'm really struggling with what to do here. Do I take a chance with my ex? Or do I take the chance with this new person? My ex has only used email, and very limited at that, to contact me this whole time. She feels threatened by this new person in my life and says she doesn't want to lose what we had. I know I did a lot wrong during her affair and should have cut all contact long ago, but I am where I am, so does anyone have any advice for a guy that needs it badly right now? I may not have listened before because my heart wouldn't let me, but I will now. Help!