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Sorry about that. This is why I don't do conflict. i cannot. I will turn into my father. My children laugh because any time anything gets somewhat controversial, I will steer it to a nicer, happier topic. I cannot do conflict. Period. I'm sorry. I'll just stay off of here since I cannot agree with Melody. It is the safest for both of us. Sorry if I hurt you.

How is that working out for you, mommaelain? How much avoided "conflict" are you stuffing internally and not resolving it? It's so much better to learn how to do conflict successfully.

Wouldn't your kids and grandbabies love to have a healthy mommaelain around for a natural lifetime? This article is true, and it happened to me. I developed an arrhythmia in this situation:

When Marriage Can Hurt a Heart
Marital Strain Can Raise Risk of Death, Heart Disease

Feb. 17, 2005 -- Marital strain is a home wrecker that can endanger the heart. So says a 10-year study of 3,000 men and women aged 18 to 77.

All participants were married or living in a "marital situation." The researchers collected data on marital discord. Health was tracked for a decade to see who developed heart disease or died of any cause during the study.

For both men and women, marital strain affected their health.

Marital Strain and the Married Couple

The worst health risk was seen in women who hushed up when conflicts arose with their spouse. They said they usually or always silenced themselves in such situations.

Those women might have thought they were keeping the peace, but they paid dearly for it. Women who kept mum in marital conflicts had four times the risk of dying during the study, compared with women who spoke their minds.

(source: webMD)

Sunnytimes, you are probably right but I have no clue how to change this at all. Melody makes it sound so easy, you just do it. Literally the flight section takes over, my heart pounds and I freeze. Literally.

This isn't just with my husband. It is with my kids, my co-workers, etc. It is why I only have surface relationships. That is why it makes me angry when everyone here says it is all my husband's fault. It is mine. I am broken.

But you don't have to turn into your father.

You can train your body to relax when it feels frustration so you can remain intelligently engaged instead of becoming an idiot (speaking out in anger).

Many of us have learned to do this and it has IMMEASURABLY changed our lives and relationships.

My husband and I just resolved an enormously sensitive issue last night, and after the discussion I was even more in love with him than before (if that is possible). This happens every time we run into conflicts.

You need to refuse to engage your Giver so your taker doesn't emerge. And refuse to accept your husband's Giver's concessions.

I won't accept any offers from my husband's giver no matter how much I would love what he is offering because I don't want to be the reason he has to fight his taker - and I certainly don't want to fight his taker. That would be awful.

You should study the article here on the Giver and the Taker, which gets to the root of successfully eradicating conflict.

When you avoid conflict you are fighting internally with your taker - until your taker wins (which it will eventually) and then you fight externally. Either fight is marriage destroying behavior.

Life has much more to offer than the condition you are resigning to.

Mommaelain, I am married to a conflict avoider and I promise you that your husband can absolutely help you. He has to be very, very gentle with you. The moment you feel even a tiny bit panicked, tell him.

Mommaelain, most of us reached a point of pain where we just realized we had no choice but to just do it.

I reached that moment in about 6th grade when I was famous for my temper and was about to clobber a 5th grader with a large branch. Thankfully, the moment before it happened, I realized there would be consequences I didn't want to face, and that my temper was just really stupid.

Dr. Harley had this moment as a young adult.

Many on this board had that moment later in life when they were just so sad in their marriage that making the choice to do this was less painful than continuing on.

That's why we say "just chose to do it".

No, I don't make it sound easy at all. But saying something is "impossible" and "won't ever happen" is a refusal to even try. I have been on this forum every day for 16 years and have seen hundreds of couples successfully use this program. The program works, but only if YOU work it. It can't force you do use it against your will.

I recognize you get real triggered when I point out the real obstacle is you and not the program but it is the truth. Like I said, you have been here for YEARS - under various aliases - with the same problem. That tells me you are not looking for solutions.

The last time I lost my temper with someone in real life was probably 20 years ago. My husband and I never fight. Ever. We discuss sometimes but neither raises our voices to each other or call each other names or whatever. Never done that in our marriage. The 15 to 20 years ago is when my kids were small. I screamed at them a lot unfortunately. I was eventually able to stop.

mommaelain: "I would like for things to be romantic and fun, but life doesn't work that way."<-----but you are on a forum posting to people whose lives DO work that way. How can this work if you reject the very objective of the program?

And so too, can you stop avoiding conflict in a way that destroys you.


When you feel this moment approaching, change your entire focus to relaxing your physical responses. You need to establish a new pattern of reaction, a new instinct and habit to take the place of what you do now.

You can practice on your own until it starts coming naturally.

This is very similar to the methodology of overcoming anger. You did that once successfully.

You can do this too.

That isn't what I did. I learned to run away instead. If I wanted to yell at the children, then I left the area. I changed the conversation. I left home...many times they didn't know why. I just stuffed it. I didn't conquer it. I haven't felt anger in awhile other than online. I normally don't get angry anymore.

Did you read the article I posted above about how harmful 'stuffing it' is to your health and life span?

Yes, I read the article. I agree it is harmful. However, someone would have to help me do it. I need to fix me before I fix my husband. I just cannot do this by myself. Someone would have to stand by me and force me to do the right thing.

Mommaelain, I would be very depressed if I felt that I was powerless to change a habit without this type of intervention.

I'm sure you are able to do many things on your own without this type of supervision.

Why not this one?

It seems you've convinced yourself that you're helpless to direct your own behaviors.

Until you recognize that you and you ONLY are responsible for your own behaviors, you are in a bit of a fix.

There are techniques you can use to retrain your instincts. A technique that helped me when I wanted to control a reaction that had become instinctive was to tap my heart and repeat "Lord, heal my broken heart", over and over, until my natural response instinct had passed.

You might be able to try tapping your heart with "Be still and know that I am God", or "Rest in the Lord and be still.".... or some other verse that works for you to calm your heart.

When I did this, within several weeks my response patterns had changed. It took a few months before I never needed to do it anymore.

There are a plethora of other techniques available to re-train responses - they're all over the internet. You have met many challenges in life far greater than this one. You just need to get started with the first step.

Actually, I'm not able to change anything. I do EVERYTHING for others. I want to be seen as a good teacher, so I put in lessons, I interact with kiddos so I will get kuddos. I want God to be happy with me, so I go and minister to homeless so as not to be sent out like the goats in the Bible. Everything I do is so that everyone around me will be happy.

Hence, no one is at home right now so I have been in my pajamas eating junk food all day... Why? because I can and no one is here for me to perform for or to live up to. When hubby comes home, I will be dressed with a smile and healthy food. I slip up most often around my children.

I will try some of your suggestions and see if they work.

That is why I cannot wait for school to start back in a couple of months. Then I will be busy and happy again and not posting/spending hours on the internet.

That sounds exhausting.

It seems you are a Christian based on several of your posts. You do know that none of your works will make God happy with you, right? That your righteousness is only through the blood of Jesus Christ? Good works are voluntarily offered by people who have been saved through the blood of Jesus as gratitude for their salvation - BUT they do not merit salvation in any way.

The goats are the people who never knew God. They are the ones that did all of the good works but did not know the saving blood of Jesus.

Matthew 7:21 Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. 22 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? 23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.

Your good works theology seems to have permeated every dimension of your life. And your overtaxed giver is not serving you well.

Salvation gives us LIBERTY to know that the Lord loves us fully and completely (through Jesus) so we are not living in fear of our good works being sufficient.

I was raised in an environment that had quite a few works-based rules. A study of Galatians helped me understand that God does not require any works from me. They are simply an outpouring of gratitude on my part. Even worse, if we are focused on whether our works are good enough it directs our attention to ourselves instead of towards loving God.

Your husband would probably love to give you the liberty to just be yourself with him as well. He is likely not asking for your giver to be constantly on duty - and may not be aware that it is.

I did not reference all of the many verses which support this due to space restrictions, and also to not distract the thread, but if you want to study this further, let me know and I'll ask a moderator if they are willing pass something along to you.

Thanks Sunny! I agree that we cannot be saved by works, only be the grace of God. There is nothing we can do to earn it. On the other hand, "Faith without works is dead." James 2:14-26 and

"From everyone to whom much has been given, much will be required; and from the one to whom much has been entrusted, even more will be demanded" (Luke 12:48

I am still going to have to stand before my God and explain how I used my talents.

That said, some of what you say makes sense. I will pray and think on it. Thank you for talking with me. I really appreciate it.