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Joined: Jan 2010
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Thanks unwritten. I appreciate the feedback. I'll be honest - I wrote most of those things for me. I tend to focus only on the things he's done wrong in our marriage. I'm trying instead to focus on the things I've done. See where I went wrong. Learn from my mistakes and move forward a changed person. A wiser, better me may be the only positive thing besides my amazing kids that I'll get from this marriage.
Our situation is doubly complex. We work together. I would like to help H find an employee to take the tasks on that I do, so I can be freed up to find a job. He doesn't want anyone else. He thinks I should just suck up all my feelings and be logical and put our business first, ahead of how I feel in our marriage. We are successful and doing well. He tells me I need to sacrifice and stop putting myself first. He knows no employee will put in the kind of heart and effort that I do since I have a vested interest. I'm also very driven and great at my job. It will probably end up that I have to give two weeks notice because he's so passive aggressive he won't do anything about it proactively in advance WITH me, effectively trapping me there. He says I need to put our livelihood first for our kids, and the place can't stay running without me. But I will need a way to support myself if I leave. He completely shuts down when I say we should place an ad and find someone that I can train in my position. He just says "i need time to think about this" every time. "How long?" I say. "I don't know". That's that. we will need to sell our rental properties, so I will have some money to get myself a place in the kids school district. He adamantly demands that he doesn't want that - those properties were supposed to be his "legacy" to the kids. He can't afford to buy me out of the business or the properties. So he'd rather I just shut up and stuck it out. I'm sure he'll force my hand in all of this so I will be the bad guy. That's fine. But doing Plan B is really complex for me. If I just leave and our business tanks my shares will be worthless and my husband will also have no job - so much for child support etc. I feel completely trapped. All my choices are hard choices.
At this point I can try plan A. But if it doesn't work (which is likely) plan B is tough to set in motion. The lawyer I spoke with has said I shouldn't leave the kids there. It would be different if H would leave. But our home is on his family property that we inherited. It's just not reasonable that he leaves and I stay. So I need this to be calculated and rational. It would be ideal if he was on side. A big problem I am seeing is that you are trying to do things in cooperation with him, and you just can't depend on him to cooperate. Until he is ready to be a partner with you you are going to need to take steps toward separation (like getting a career where you don't have to work with him) unilaterally. Let him worry about who is going to work for him whenever he is ready to do that, meanwhile you take care of getting yourself ready to stand on your own.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
I would write him a letter and tell him you are unhappy. Tell him you are not willing to spend your life in a neglectful marriage. Tell him you recognize that you have done many things to make him unhappy, and you are willing to change those things. Invite him to commit to the MB program with you, where you can both invest in the marriage and create a relationship where you have romantic love and put the marriage first. I have verbally told him all of these things. More than once, most recently last week. Will writing it down have an alternative effect? Currently his reaction is 15 hours per week simply isn't feasible, and I shouldn't need him to change. I should unconditionally love him the way he is. And also he doesn't want to have to read some "novel" by some doctor (his sarcastic quotations, not mine). Has anyone here tried the letter after verbal communication and received a different reaction? Onesided, are you listening to Dr. Harley's daily radio show? What does Dr. Harley advise when a husband won't respond to his wife's requests to start meeting her emotional needs? The reason I ask is that Dr. Harley's advice works and gives the best chance for getting your husband on board with the program. If you'll listen and learn and follow the instructions you will get the best chance possible. Dr. Harley has dealt with your situation many, many times before!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
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Post your letter here for feedback. Are you starting to make your separation plans?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 11
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Post your letter here for feedback. Are you starting to make your separation plans? I haven't written a letter - yet. I'm just not sure I need to. I've verbally asked him all the pertinent things many times, most recently last week. He either outright rejects or puts off anything I bring up to "think about for a while". I'm not sure writing it all down to be hashed out AGAIN will be worth while. Can you help me see how this could help? I've been job searching all morning. I need to update my resume. I've been solely self-employed since 2011, but truly self-employed since 2007. Who do I use for references? My husband? How did I get here...in a place where he holds all the strings... I've done some quick online searches for rentals in my kids school district. There's not a lot of option, and what's there is not ideal. I need to look into how the school district stuff works - if they use H's address as primary address will this negatively impact me in a separation? Will the school accept us as "outliers" considering my husband lives in the district? More research here. Lawyer search is proving tough too. I've left a message for my girlfriend who divorced last year. Hopefully she'll get back to me with contact info or at least feedback. At this point is it possible to just use a mediator? Is this recommended? I feel like my situation with the business and the properties is pretty complex. My vehicle is owned by our company. I will need to try to buy something else. No idea how to decide what to look at till I have a job and know what my finances will look like. Our daughter is an elite-level athlete. She practices 4 days per week at 4 pm. Obviously its unlikely I'll find a job that I can get away from that early, but it would be ideal. If I can't, I will need to orchestrate some way for her to get to and from. I'm so overwhelmed by all of this. Just every facet of my life changing all at once.
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Joined: Apr 2012
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I am sorry to see you overwhelmed onesided.
The purpose of the letter is to put everything in writing one last time. Even if you have told him these things in the past, if they were mixed up with a bunch of other things and/or said at different times, said during arguments or with lovebusters, this is just not the most effective way to communicate. Writing a letter is a way for you to communicate 1) what you need to stay in the marriage, 2) what you are willing to do to have a great marriage (ie what's in it for him), without lovebusting or fighting or bantering back and forth. The important things can't be buried in conversation or lost in translation so to speak. He cannot later say he did not understand or did not hear XYZ.
But writing the letter is frankly for nothing, if you do not follow through with a seperation. If you write a letter and Plan A for two weeks and he does nothing to change (probable), and you just go back to normal, what is the motivation for him to change? He will know that even if you are very unhappy you are just going to stay. He will know that you set the bar really low for yourself. And frankly, you will live as you are living forever, and I know thats not what you want.
It is overwhelming, every person who has ever separated has had to struggle through it. But getting out of the dysfunction will help you feel so much better and see things more clearly. I think you should definitely speak to a lawyer. I know separation is not divorce, but he will still have obligations to help you support your kids, and you will still have entitlements regarding the business until the ownership of that changes. A lawyer can guide you through that.
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we will need to sell our rental properties, so I will have some money to get myself a place in the kids school district. He adamantly demands that he doesn't want that - those properties were supposed to be his "legacy" to the kids. He can't afford to buy me out of the business or the properties. So he'd rather I just shut up and stuck it out. His 'legacy' to his kids is to be a great husband to their mother, to create a happy stable family life for them to grow up in. No kid who grew up in dysfunction or divorce would trade that for some rental properties 
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Joined: Apr 2017
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So. It's been a long couple of weeks.
I wrote H a letter. I explained that I was unhappy and that I needed us to do the Marriage Builders program or i needed to leave. He said he didn't want to deal with all the "psychobabble crap" and that if I required him to read a bunch of books to be with me then he wasn't interested. I told him that was no problem.
So. I've moved into the spare bedroom. I'm actively searching for work, and have had two promising interviews. I've viewed two rental properties, but I really think I might want to buy something instead. I met with a "mediator" and now am working on getting her all the important docs to figure out where I stand financially in terms of my "share", then I'll bring it up with him to work out details. Obviously I can't get a mortgage without a job. So. That's my first priority at this point.
H is basically acting like nothing happened. I've shut down with him. Basic communication about kids and necessities. That's it. Once I find a job I'll give two weeks notice for my position in our business. I'll get working and at the same time line up all the finances and mediator stuff, and hopefully be moved out by August or September at the latest. Early August would be ideal for the kids getting back to school in September. He has mentioned a couple of times that he'll fight like hell if I try to get full custody and keep the kids from him. I have no idea why he thinks I'd do that? Our kids love him. Why would I punish them like that? Just another example of his lack of knowledge about who I am.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
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Have you asked him if he would move out?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
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Posts: 3,197 |
Onesided, I'm glad to hear you are in the process of separation. I think moving in that direction is the only option for you, other than living in a miserable marriage. It is clear that your H has no intention of working with you to create a better marriage.
Please keep us updated on how things are going.
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