This program will not force your husband to say "yes, Dear" and capitulate. Dr. Harley would be happy to tell your husband that.

But you are still going to have to insist if you want your husband to follow it - you are going to insist that you need more from him.

That was a great post for me! I needed that detailed description! Thank you!

I know that the program won't make a 'yes Dear' husband out of him, but he doesn't know that. I think he's alternating between really trying and letting his Taker do his talking when he gets agitated. He'll do really well, and then when he got a little agitated yesterday, he tossed at DJ at me, which he says he intended as humor. Maybe I shouldn't have responded to it, but I decided to remind him that this is one of the hurtful things we JUST talked about and it was a poor choice of making humor if diffusing tension was his objective.

So he did calm down and communicate better later, asking how he could have made a better choice of humor to diffuse the tension without being offensive. So there's peace at the moment.

I'm going out of town for a few days to visit my family. I've been devouring the LB book and should be done before I leave. So I'll ask him to read it while I'm gone. I think if he reads the book, he will understand that I'm not trying to make a 'yes Dear' man out of him. Hopefully he'll honor my request and read the book. He read it years ago, already, so it's a reasonable request.

I know the rereading LB is doing me good.

What is your plan if he doesn't read the book?

Since you commented that "He's already overwhelmed with everything he's reading," he doesn't sound very willing to do any more reading.

You are going to have to insist on changes, and you are going to have to have a plan for what to do if he does not make the changes you need. I know you said he feels pressured by you, but he should feel pressured.

I don't have a plan that far out.

I do have a place to go in the event of an emergency. I have a friend not to far away who offered that I could come to her home anytime I need to. And I have a key. I'm sure she would let me stay for a short time if I needed to.

I don't know the laws of my new state regarding separation and divorce. I could educate myself on those things, and I understand it would be wise to do so.

The only time I've considered these things is when the fighting has gotten really, really bad. I am more financially dependent now than ever in our married history, and employment options in this area are slim to none. I really don't want to leave what I've worked so hard for, but if I had to start over again, I could do it.

I really don't think about those things unless I feel pushed to the wall.

It would be last resort scenario, with emotional withdrawal and stoicism being the next to last resort.

fretless, when I asked what your plan was - it's really a rhetorical question. The goal is to point out that you are heading for trouble because you don't have a plan.

Dr. Harley mentions that before you begin Plan A, you should get your preparations underway for a Plan B. That would include talking to a lawyer about the law in your state, finding out what the legal options are to get your husband to support you during a separation, etc.

If you aren't going to follow Dr. Harley's recommendations for Plan A, I wouldn't expect it to work.

Why don't you email Dr. Harley and talk to him and see if he can help you get over the hump and start planning your Plan B so that maybe this will work instead of lingering for years and slowly killing you?

You know that's not going to work, right?

Do you basically just not believe me when I say you are going to have to insist? Are you hoping that you'll find out that you won't have to insist?

Did you see this post?

Don't do that before separation. Before you separate you want his last memories of you to be good.

It seems everyone but me agrees I should separate. I understand the logic of it, I'm just not ready to do that.

I'm going to give him a chance before taking that route. He is trying. He isn't always succeeding, but he is trying. Same for myself.

I'll ask him to read the book while I'm away and see if he does.

Is it a selfish demand to insist that my husband join me in reading Lovebusters and He Wins, She Wins? I know Dr. Harley talks about 'inviting' a spouse to do something you would like them to do, and not trying to force it. My husband says he will do it, if I insist, because he cares about me. But he says I'm forcing him, which does sound like a selfish demand.

And how is giving him an ultimatum, or separating, also not a selfish demand?

He has eliminated his AO about 99%. He's doing better than I am at this.

Invite your spouse to read Love Busters with you. Or get the audio version, because a lot of men don't like to read. You shouldn't demand your husband read the books, but you can invite him to read through a page or two together every day or a couple of times a day over a cup of tea. Keep it pleasant.

If your marriage isn't going to improve soon, the choice is for you is to stay and endure love busters versus separating after a great Plan A. Plan A is imperative, because you want the time before a separation to be something good for your husband to remember.

It's great your husband has virtually stopped his AOs. Dr. Harley often says that no problems can be solved when one or both spouses is angry. That needs to be eliminated completely. How is he doing with the disrespectful judgments?

I have read through your thread, and, to a certain extent, I can see a lot of our own mistakes. We also moved to a place where we didn't know anyone. Moving, even one that is wanted, is often a source of great stress.

You also said your husband is depressed. Was he diagnosed by a professional? Is he on meds?

After eliminating love busters like anger and disrespect, the time for Undivided Attention is crucial to a great marriage. Moving, unpacking, painting, decorating, fixing up a house and the garden and working outside can become drudgery after a while. So many decisions to negotiate through about what color here, which picture there, what furniture where; sometimes it seems neverending.

Once we began to focus on getting out of our house for our fifteen hours a week, doing things we both enjoy, our life together became a lot more fun and our marriage improved. Working together in the house is not UA time. UA time is supposed to be the most enjoyable time of the week, the time to reward yourselves with time together having fun. While you are in your UA time, make SURE you both practice the friends of good conversation and avoid the enemies. This isn't the time to discuss problems or to be negative. Talk about topics you both enjoy and make sure the conversation and tone stays pleasant.

Here's the recreational activities inventory: Here

Separating isn't a demand - it's the "do nothing" part of the policy of joint agreement. It's how you create a situation where the POJA is followed - either your husband does what he needs to do to make you feel enthusiastic about the marriage, or you aren't willing to do anything with him any more.

Separating protects you from emotional harm. It's your health and safety, which always trumps everything else in Dr. Harley's rules.

In order for it to be a selfish demand, you would need to be punishing him if he doesn't read the books with you. Are you punishing him with disrespect or anger when he declines your invitation?

You should invite him to read with you, but he is free to decline without threat of disrespect or anger from you.

You are also free to decline continuing to live in a marriage in which your husband lovebusts you.

Again, you have the right to decline to continue to live in a hostile environment that is detrimental to your health. Just as he has the right to decline doing anything to improve your marriage.

What about that 1%? How often are those? What does it look like? Dr. Harley has said that ANY AO, even as infrequent as once a year, is detrimental to a marriage.

Thank you all for those perspectives on asking him to read the books!

A 'Reader's Digest' version of updates here. It got a little worse before it got better. I did use the "S" word, which he took as a threat. I explained that the LB are killing our marriage, and if they continue, I am considering separation; to work on repairing the relationship and to ensure that there is something left to save. He didn't like this, but it appears to have made a difference. The AO stopped!

Initially, he asserted that we need to prioritize making separate work spaces and spending a lot more time apart. I responded that isn't the kind of marriage I'm looking for. I can agree we need a little bit of space, but his proposal sounded more like a form of separation in the same house, or a business partnership. I stated I want to work on our marriage.

I stated the books are something I want to work through together to restore our marriage. He did not like it, but said he would read them if it was important to me because he cares about me.

He wanted a list of all the things he does that I don't like. What I gave him is my EN questionnaire, for starters. Even though it is mostly good, he was overwhelmed, grumbled about the format, and said that's not the list he asked for. He wants a list of the bad things. I sat down with him and read my LB questionnaire aloud. He wasn't happy about it, but to his credit, he stopped talking over me and interrupting me. And no AO at all. We had a good talk after that, and he explained some of his complaints about me, which I took to heart.

There were a few tense days after that, with both of us on our best behavior. Both of us have done a great job at no DJ or AO.

Still no reading of the books, however. I'm behaving in a Plan A fashion generally, because I now see how I've wounded him in the past.

Regarding depression, it's not diagnosed, and he's not on meds. It's just very obvious, and we both agree on that. He says he is depressed because of me.

I did email him one of the recent radio shows where Dr. Harley talks about the friends and enemies of good conversation. I don't know if he listened, however.

For now, I'm letting the dust settle, being on my best behavior, and letting him get a bit of a rest. (We are both wiped out after the pressure and stress of long term, chronic fighting.) I'm keeping myself on task by listening to the radio show daily, and rereading LB and HW,SW on my own. I'm appreciating changes he's making, especially his great effort at having balanced, two way conversations, devoid of DJ.

One of his complaints was that I 'yell at him for nothing'. I apologized, and told him that's not what's in my heart, and that's not how I want to treat him. So I'm watching myself to make sure I don't do this. So far, no problem. It's much easier to be kind and pleasant now that he's refraining from his LB. I imagine he's finding it easier too.

We both agree we have a lot of work to do, but we are both happy and excited about the future now. :-)