D-Day was 4/17/17. That morning I started receiving my husband's texts on my iPad by mistake. From everything I've learned since, it was lucky I did, at least for the sake of my marriage. I'm 48, married 27 years, together 31, 2 girls (18 and 12). My husband has been seeing an erotic masseuse for about a year, sometimes a couple of times a week. I thought I was in a happy marriage with just a bit of a rough patch this past year. We had argued frequently about our oldest daughter who is preparing to go to college this fall. I felt like he was distant, and more and more frequently I was sad. Now I know that I wasn't imagining it. He was distant because he was having an inappropriate relationship outside of our marriage. He had become emotionally attached to an attractive young (25 yr old) girl. [And what 48 year old woman wants to compete with that?]
It's a classic mid-life crisis affair. He is a caretaker. She was meeting his emotional needs for affirmation and conversation. She had a difficult life (immigrant supporting herself through college) and he was "saving her".
He had an episode this fall with his blood pressure that put him in the hospital. I was scared and so was he. I slept at the hospital with him. Unbelievably, he went to see her the day he got out! I just can't get over that. He also went to see her immediately before and after our vacation over the Christmas holidays. I can tell from the dates/locations of the bank withdrawals. I obsessively review the dates and wonder - what was I doing that day?
Up until this past year our sex life had always been pretty good, at least I thought so. I thought our marriage was good too. He says he tried the massage girls (he went to a few before he found Her) because he was experiencing sexual dysfunction (difficulty achieving orgasm) and wanted to understand the cause. He never said anything to me or his doctor. He has high blood pressure and had gained back the weight that he had lost the year before. He was also experiencing work related stress (fear of failure of his business) and had turned 50 last year.
I am a partner in my firm, and I'm the primary breadwinner. He has always been my greatest supporter. He moved 15 years ago to support my career. Now he admits that he is bothered by how others view him and he says I "subordinate his opinion". I know I'm not perfect and I have my own issues, but he made this choice. I'm angry that he was never honest with me about how he felt.
We started counseling right after the discovery, and I went on anti-depressants. He says he does not to break up our marriage. That he does not love her and does not want to replace me. That he will do whatever I need him to do.
I did some snooping (I'm an auditor so I'm a professional skeptic). From the bank records I determined he had been seeing her more often and longer than he first admitted (the trickle of truth is painful). And that he had bought her gifts (ballet tickets). He answered my questions, even ones I probably shouldn't have asked (did he touch her/pleasure her - which of course he did). He admitted he had a "crush" but they did not have intercourse and he did not see her outside of the appointments. He says he feels stupid, embarrassed, and terrible about it. He says he told her it was over and there has been no contact since. I check his phone and haven't seen any further evidence.
Anyone on this site understands that this is the most hurtful thing you can experience. There are no words. I am obsessed with it. Consumed. He seems to be going about his daily life as if everything is great. He's clearly relieved (that I didn't kick him out/tell anyone). And our sex life has been great recently. We are talking and working things out, but I am still hurt and obsessed with it. And I know he has some hard work to do, we both do, if we are going to make it work in the long run.
My questions are:
1) I did not expose the affair. It would devastate our children and likely isolate us from our friends. Our best friends are married couples that we spend time together with and it would make it very awkward. He doesn't want anyone to know. The counselor did not suggest exposure and acknowledged the challenge of me not being able to talk to anyone about it. Not exposing seems counter to the advice on this site. Is there any benefit to exposure at this point? And how should I deal with having no one to talk to (other than the counselor)?
2) I am fearful he may be addicted to the relationship and may be tempted to go back. He says he is not, but I don't believe him. I know he doesn't want to hurt me anymore and may say anything at this point. I work long hours and sometimes travel and can't monitor his every move. He says he can't leave his location services turned on (so I can check where he is) because it runs his phone battery down but he is open with his devices and responds quickly to my text. I still feel like he needs to be monitored. I do keep check on the bank account to see if he is withdrawing extra cash. What else should I do?
3) Has anyone been through a similar situation? I could use advice from anyone whose marriage has survived it. I believe it's either a conflict avoidance and/or a split-self ("mid life crisis") affair. I understand the danger to my marriage with these types, and I am terrified.

I never imagined myself in this situation. My husband is a great family man with strong values. But I guess he is just human. We have had a great marriage. I am a strong, independent, professional woman and good mother (and thought good wife). My entire world seems turned upside down. I still feel betrayed, hurt and alone but I am starting to feel better than I did a month ago.

Welcome to MB and I'm so sorry for your pain that has brought you here. The reason you have no one to talk to is because you haven't exposed to anyone. Exposure isn't only to help hold the WS accountable, but also gives the BS a support system. Dr. Harley has the only program that will help you recover your marriage (if followed) better than the marriage before.

Have you read Dr. Harley's basic concepts?

Does the OW have any family you know of?

Please read through this. Start Here First-Surviving an Affair

Have you been to your doctor to get tested for STIs?

And do you have spyware on all devices so you can confirm NC? Do you have a hidden GPS/VAR in his vehicle?

You answer question 1 - is there any value in exposing, with question 2 - that he might be tempted to go back to her.

You need to stop making excuses for him, and accept the fact that this is just a garden-variety affair that should be exposed and treated like any other. And yes, many of us have survived to rebuild happy, romantic marriages. But you need to start facing down the hard truths and acting on them, consistent with the real and present threat that they really are.

Welcome to MB and I also am very sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. Many of us here have been through infidelity and were able to rebuild our marriages. This did not come without having to face our fears and make decisions that were not always easy to make in the moment.

The answer to your questions here is that YES, there are many benefits to exposing 'now.' You say now as if you believe this is an affair in the past, when in fact it isn't. As long as there is no exposure, no surveillance in place to verify that there is no contact, no accountability, there is a VERY HIGH LIKELIHOOD that this affair is still thriving. Why wouldn't it be? What is stopping him from continuing this? I know this is a hard pill to swallow. You want to believe that he will just stop because it is the right thing to do. I have been on this forum for 7 years and know that spouses in affairs do not make decisions this way. If they were thinking clearly they would not be in an affair in the first place. Exposure is the first step to making him accountable for his affair, and deterring him from continuing it.

Your children will be devastated that their father had an affair. Of course they will, it is a normal reaction to a devastating event that affects their entire family. I would be concerned if they were NOT devastated by this. You do not want to add to this trauma by lying to them. If you lie to them, it is the second devastating thing. Now they have a father who is making choices that may destroy their family, AND parents who are lying to them about it. This is affecting them too, it is impacting them too. It is not right to keep them in the dark. Kids will know that their is tension in the marriage and family but will be told everything is fine, when they KNOW this is not true. You do not want to put them in this position.

If you have 'best friends' that you cannot confide in about something this devastating, a situation where you need help and support, then what kind of friends are they? You are willing to sacrifice your family and marriage and your own personal health so you do not have to have awkwardness with your friends...

Of COURSE he doesn't want anyone to know. He is making devastating immoral choices. If you were stealing money from your firm, would you want anyone to know? Not exposing because he doesn't want anyone to know, is just being an accomplice to the crime. You are basically shouldering the burden of his immoral life, to protect him from the natural consequences. (By the way, exposure should be done without his knowledge or permission, for this very reason.)

In general, marriage counseling is destructive to marriages. I personally went through 3 counselors before I found MB, and looking back I can see how destructive they were! I would be divorced if I had continued down that road. Your counselor is giving you terrible advice, by telling you not to expose. It is clear that he/she does not know anything about how affairs work, their addictive nature, or the therapeutic affects of exposure.

You should counter not having anyone to talk to, by saying that you will not accept sweeping this under the rug, and shouldering the burden of this very traumatic experience by keeping it a secret and lying to everyone around you. Why would you want to do this to yourself? Exposure is therapeutic for you and for your marriage. It will hold your husband accountable for his actions, deter him from continuing the affair, and give you much needed support. There is no good reason NOT to expose other than fear.

I can assure you with certainty that he IS addicted to this woman and to the affair.

Affairs are very addictive in nature, much like drugs and alcohol. When people are in affairs, they are in an 'affair fog' where they are motivated by the adrenaline from the affair, and do not think rationally. He is addicted and will be tempted to go back. But my guess is that he never stopped going in the first place. This is a big secret swept under the rug, and you have no surveillance on him, and you are basically operating on blind trust. This is not going to work. If he hasn't already, he will go back.

Here is your first plan of action my friend:

1) Expose the affair - read the exposure 101 thread for advice on how to do this, do it all at once without asking his permission or warning him in any way.
2) Monitor him to find out if there is truly no contact - you can put spyware on his phone and/or other devices and a VAR in his car to start. I would also be monitoring money as he is paying for her services and should leave a money trail.

In addition to mrEureka and unwritten's excellent advice this was one of the threads in the start here thread I posted to you and hope you have read Exposure 101

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Dr Harley does not believe in mid life crisis. Affairs follow certain patterns, such as being addictive, causing an affair fog, etc. no matter what age, gender, nationality, race, country of origin (we have people from all over the world with stories just like yours). Dr Harley says that everyone is wired to have an affair in the right circumstance, certainly going to an erotic masseuse would be a very obvious circumstance for this... This has nothing to do with a mid life crisis and you should not let your counselor or WH tell you that it does.

After you have exposed, and given your WH a list of EP's that are required to keep you safe (I can post these later, I want to stress exposure first), I would also highly suggest you make him taking a polygraph a requirement for you to stay in the marriage. I am very skeptical after reading your story that you have all the facts. Many affairs happen when someone has poor boundaries around members of the opposite sex, and allows someone else to meet their needs. They basically develop feelings and before you know it they are in an affair. Although this somewhat describes your situation, the difference is that your spouse actually actively sought out an 'erotic massuase.' To me this has more the feel of someone who has done this before. He did not just fall into a sexual situation, but actually went out seeking it. This makes me think you need to verify that you have been given all the information. A polygraph will do this.

Thanks Brainhurts!

This is the list of EP's I was referring to. You will want to add 'take and pass a polygraph' to this list. We can help you with how to do this when it comes to that.

An affair is an addiction, and the one thing you don't want to do with an addict is be an enabler. Tell everybody what is going on and let the chips fall where they may - there's a good chance it will sober up the addict.